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Key points
- We tend to think of anxiety about worrying, but some control their anxiety by creating a more rigid everyday life.
- While they are comfortable in their routines, others often see them as controlling, creating relationship problems.
- Changing these patterns is about acknowledging the underlying anxiety, taking acceptable risks to break out of them, and having support.
When we think of those struggling with anxiety, we usually think of the worriers, the folks who wake up at 3 am obsessing about the next day. Or those with generalized anxiety and their minds are constantly running; they are always looking around corners or mentally plodding out the worst-case scenario of the current situation. Or those with obsessive-compulsive disorder where anxiety is tied to specific triggers—touching doorknobs, a possibly lit stove—that then become linked to behavioral compulsions—washing hands, triple-checking that the stove is off.
But then there are anxiety binders, folks who say they don’t feel anxious but are driven by anxiety nonetheless. Why don’t they feel anxious? Because at an early age, they learned how to build their lives around avoiding anxious situations. Here are some of the characteristics of these folks:
Black and White Thinking
There’s a right and wrong way, and if you do the right way, there are no problems. Rigidity helps bind anxiety; there’s no need to obsess about possible problems if you know how things should be done or handled and you do them that way. This can apply to everyday situations, such as how to make your bed or clean the kitchen, or bigger issues, like how to treat others or handle disputes.
Heavy Reliance on Routines
Anxiety binders tend to build their lives on routines. If you do the same thing every day and find patterns that work for you, you don’t have to fret about making the right decision. While we all rely on routines to organize our lives, these folks seem even more routinized, which others might see as rigid.
Controlling Others
While black-and-white thinking or being somewhat rigid might work for you in containing your everyday life, unfortunately, this way of thinking can bleed into your relationships with partners, family, and friends who see you as controlling—always telling them how and what to do. Why? Because if you let your partner know there is the right way to clean the kitchen or your colleagues to do the quarterly report if you can get others to do what you want them to do so, you don’t feel anxious, and you feel better.
Obviously, this is where problems can arise. What the other person feels is not the anxiety, the micromanaging, which for them usually feels unnecessary and infantilizing. Arguments can flare over whose reality is right and what is important. What gets lost in these conversations is any mention of the underlying problem, namely, anxiety.
Sidestep Difficult Topics
When I see couples in therapy, I usually raise sensitive topics as part of my assessment, such as asking about their sex life. If one of the partners is an anxiety binder, I notice that they will act as though I hadn’t asked the question—they will ignore it or change the topic. It’s easy to think they do the same in their intimate relationships. The result is that problems are never resolved, which frustrates those close to them.
If you identify with any of these behaviors and realize they are either limiting your life experience or creating problems in your relationships, there are steps you can take to break out. Some suggestions:
Acknowledge Your Anxiety
This means realizing that what drives your behavior is anxiety rather than your right/wrong thinking. Accepting that this is the underlying issue itself helps you break out of your black/white thinking, and by acknowledging this to those close to you, they can be more empathic and supportive.
Increase your comfort zone.
Your anxious brain is telling you to hold tight to your way of thinking and your routines; that is how you feel, not feel anxious and safe. But the problem with anxiety is that it makes your world smaller and smaller, evermore cautious. Instead, if you want to expand your world, learn to increase your comfort zone by taking baby steps toward the uncomfortable. You can do this by deciding to change your routine, letting go of how your partner cleans the kitchen, or your colleague completes the spreadsheet.
Tackle the Problems You Have Been Avoiding
Here you don’t ignore those sexual issues or problems on the job but come up with a plan to both talk about them and solve them.
Expect Anxiety and Self-Criticism
If you do step out of your comfort zone, expect mental blowback. You will feel anxious the first few times you try out these new behaviors; your anxious brain will rise up and scold you for being reckless. It is your anxiety, after all, that has been trying to protect you, even though you no longer need such protection.
Pat Yourself on the Back
While your anxious brain is worried that you’ve become reckless, in your rational brain, you want to pat yourself on the back for your willingness to break out. It’s never about breaking the set routine or letting go about the kitchen, but about doing something against your grain.
Get Support
Here you let those close to you know what you’re doing and what you need—noticing and appreciating that you’re making an effort or letting them know how they can help. Here you seek therapy, even on a short-term basis, to help you move forward.
Moving forward, doing it differently is the goal.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
Taibbi, R.(2013). Boot camp therapy: Action-oriented approaches to anxiety, anger & depression. New York: Norton.
