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Key points
- Control is an often hidden form of anxiety.
- The anxiety behaviors associated with control often are viewed as necessary and helpful.
- Releasing anxiety associated with control can help you to feel more calm, relaxed, and more fully human.
Control, or rather, seeking to have control, is a form of anxiety. It is rooted in the default, and often unconscious belief or feeling that “I am not going to be okay” or “Things will not be okay.” When this is your default belief — perhaps because of life experiences in which things felt scarily out of your control and led to loss, chaos, instability, or despair — you may have adopted one of two coping mechanisms in an attempt to feel that you, or things, will be okay.
First, you may attempt to control as much of your environment as possible with the unconscious thought that if you know what to expect, or if things happen the way you think they should or you want them to, then you will be okay. This takes the form of having rigid expectations of how things should be done, believing there is a right way to do things while everything else is the wrong way, over-preparing and over-researching in pursuit of the “right” choice or outcome, or struggling to relax if anything in your immediate environment is unattended to (such as dirty dishes in the sink or laundry that needs to be folded).
Alternatively, you may anticipate everything that can go wrong and create a plan for what you will do should each outcome occur. The unconscious thought behind this is that if you have a plan ready, then you will be okay.
The Problem
So what is the problem with these strategies? They do not work. There will always be things outside of your control. You will never be able to fully control your external environment, no matter how hard you try. Moreover, none of us are fortune tellers. We cannot know the future, no matter how much we “think and plan ahead.” Things do go wrong, and bad things happen. When they do, you will need to determine what to do based on the information available to you in that moment. These are details you cannot know in advance. In general, the things we plan for are not the things that go wrong, and the things that go wrong are not the things we planned for.
More importantly, though, the problem with control is that it fully externalizes the conditions under which you can be okay. It bases your well-being on factors outside of you — the one place where you have no control.
In other words, for all of your efforts to be in control, it is not control you are gaining, it is only stress and anxiety.
The Solution
So what are the alternatives to these well-meaning but ultimately unhelpful strategies? It is to shift your sense of well-being from factors outside of your control to your internal strengths and capabilities. It is to recognize that no matter what happens to you, or around you, you are the reason you will be okay. You and all of your internal strengths, competencies, qualities, knowledge, skills, and resources are the reason you will cope with whatever happens.
To do this, you must first shift your focus away from all that is not in your control to all that is.
Things that are not in your control are what someone else thinks, what someone else feels, how and why someone acts in a particular way, acts of nature, governmental decisions and actions, health crises, etc.
Things that are in your control are what you think, how you choose to act/react to what is, how you communicate, what you communicate, etc. By placing your focus on what you have the power to influence, you engage your strength and resiliency. Releasing that which is outside of your control is a further act of empowerment and trust — the antithesis of anxiety.
Another important skill is to recognize and cultivate a greater sense of trust in your intrinsic skills and abilities to handle whatever happens around you. It is my experience that individuals who struggle with anxiety stemming from control are highly competent, successful, and capable (as well as stressed and exhausted). By your very nature, you are good at life. The problem is that you may misattribute your success to your anxiety and anxiety behaviors, believing that they, not you and all of your internal strengths, skills, and attributes, are the reason you are successful.
To do this, you will need to practice letting go of some of your anxiety behaviors in order to demonstrate to yourself that you, not your anxiety, are the reason you are successful. This may include intentionally setting out to do less, prepare less, or relax while there are still dirty dishes in the sink.
This is not to suggest that you stop preparing for the things you know are in front of you needing your attention or that you abandon all standards for what gets done and how. This is about letting go and doing less where you can, in exchange for more calm, relaxation, feelings of happiness, and fulfillment – to feel more fully human.
If you are researching before making a purchase or making plans such as travel arrangements, perhaps you can experiment with reducing the amount of time you spend researching before making a decision – and then see what happens.
If you want to relax by watching television, reading a book, going for a walk, or engaging in a hobby, but feel you must first complete the items on your never-ending to-do list, intentionally seek to challenge yourself by choosing the relaxation. You may need to plan for this to allow yourself the time for relaxation and fun. You will have to tolerate the discomfort of knowing that there are chores or duties still needing your attention when engaging in the activity of relaxation. Mantras that affirm your trust that you and your family will be okay or that everything will eventually get done, without bad outcomes or consequences may aid you in doing so.
If you feel compelled to “fix” the way someone else loads the dishwasher or completes other chores, you may intentionally seek to disrupt this behavior, and again notice what the outcome is. Did the dishes still get clean, even if less efficiently?
However you choose to challenge yourself, start small, and pay attention to the outcome. Were you able to do something for yourself? Did anything or anyone suffer as a consequence? Did it feel good in any way to let go, do less, or choose a moment of self-care or fun? Create small challenges for yourself, practice them, and build upon them.
While letting go of control behaviors can be hard work, particularly when you believe they are necessary, it is achievable and worthwhile. In all my years of practice, I have never encountered someone who, after successfully reducing their stress and anxiety by releasing their anxiety behaviors related to control, was less successful. And all felt happier, more relaxed, and more fully able to enjoy their lives.
