Confronting Death Anxiety

Listening for the unspoken is one of the skills a therapist learns when working with others. Many clues lie in what is not being said. Psychiatrist Irvin Yalom, known for his pioneering work in existential psychotherapy and group therapy, suggests death anxiety is a critical issue rich with clues to one’s unrest and is often ignored by both the therapist and the patient (Yalom, 2008).

Death anxiety can be described as free-floating anxiety that one feels about dying yet is often repressed and experienced in other ways. For instance, some people may try to assert control and unconsciously advance their power and control in the world while others obsessively fight the signs of aging and still others perpetually run from relationships, careers, homes, and even life through a myriad of ways. However it plays out, Yalom suggests it be given space to consider. Often people are asked about a five-year plan when few are asked to consider their lives if they knew they did not have much time left.

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The COVID pandemic begs attention to this issue as people learn of disease and death counts daily. Everyone has been impacted. Grief from the loss of loved ones and high-profile people. Freedoms impacted through social distancing, masks, and quarantine restrictions like curfews, working from home, and sheltering-in-place. We see death and we talk about solutions to solving medical and political problems and extending life—yet, as Yalom points out, how many acknowledge their feelings about their own death?

Are therapists discussing it with their clients or are they avoiding the topic due to their own fears? Are we experiencing mass collusion against mortality?

To get people to consider their fears and anxiety about dying, Yalom suggests a thought experiment by examining the question Nietzsche proposed: If you had to live this life over and over again throughout eternity, could you handle it? Is there anything you would change?

The opportunity behind this question is to take responsibility for one’s life and make changes if you are not happy with it.

Who wants to endure traumas repeatedly? Many trauma survivors have not sought out their experiences; it does not feel fair if they are being asked to take responsibility for it. But the successful work accomplished by those who have bravely face their traumas and histories is their waking up to what they want in life. The gift of facing trauma, grief, and death anxiety can serve as an empowering wake-up call to the Soul.

Some people seek more meaningful work after such a wake-up call. Others establish new boundaries with people where they encourage and feed healthy relationships in their lives. Still, others find deeper spiritual guidance with deeper confidence and appreciation for every breath and heartbeat they have. The wake-up call brings a paradoxical experience of living more fully, consciously, and seeking genuine relations and work in the world.

Another way of looking at Nietzsche’s question is to consider the story behind Kuan Yin, a Bodhisattva who was said to keep returning to life until the last person has stopped suffering. Her lesson teaches compassion for all.

There are no right or wrong answers, just valuable information that can be cultivated from exploring the unexplored.