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Key points
- Our childhood experiences affect our sense of self, the way we communicate, and how we form relationships.
- If we experience trauma during our development, it likely disrupts the pathways to these structures.
- As the word trauma is becoming less stigmatized, and more understood, it paves the way for healing.
Chris plopped down on the couch, hands never moving from their position crossed in front of his chest. "I don't see any point in talking about all of this, it's in the past."
"Maybe so. But do you feel like it affects you today?" I gently nudged, not wanting to acknowledge the elephant in the room: his estrangement from his wife and kids.
"I don't see how that has anything to do with it..." Chris continued, but I could see his posture soften.
What Is Childhood Trauma?
Most of us have heard the term “trauma,” and may even understand how it manifests—the devastating emotional consequences of living through a distressing event. In the past, hearing the word might have conjured up images of car accidents, war, or other disasters and crises. Lately, the word trauma has become somewhat of a buzzword: Teens post Tik-Tok videos about it and articles boast tips for recovery. Trauma has taken on so many colloquial meanings these days that its overuse can often dilute its meaning. And in discussions around childhood, the word is popping up more and more. Are we using the word too lightly? Or could it be that the softening of the stigmas that once plagued discussions of trauma is now allowing more free-flowing acknowledgment and discussion?
Childhood trauma comes as a result of any violation of trust and safety, which includes a full spectrum of events that can cause it. It is less about what happened and more about what you took from it—how it changed or affected you. None of us will enter adulthood free from all degrees of that trauma or distress, so perhaps instead of asking whether we had trauma, a better question might be to ask where we might fall on the "trauma spectrum."
As children, our family environment is our ground base—our safe zone. Ideally, this place should be safe most of the time. Caregivers handle any crisis or perceived threat appropriately and children learn the environment will return to calm equilibrium. For example, if the family experiences an external threat such as a break-in, caregivers support the children through their fears, allowing them a safe space to work through scary feelings and an understanding that the crisis will eventually end and that home is a safe space.
The ability to return to a safe, calm emotional space is essential to our emotional healing. Ideally, children who experience a traumatic event will have caregivers who recognize, validate, and support that traumatic experience and help them to heal. Often, the trauma children suffer comes not only from the event that happened to them, but mostly from the lack of support and tools they received to heal from it and move forward.
However, for some, that home environment is not a safe place. This could be for an entire childhood, or even for a period of time—such as during periods of chaos. If the environment was scary, or anything but safe or secure, our nervous system develops under this stress and the effects will be felt into adulthood. This is why many adults who grew up in traumatic or chaotic households are later diagnosed with high anxiety—their bodies learned to stay in a constant state of hypervigilance either to protect themselves from the next threat, or because they did not learn how to return to baseline. We are only recently starting to become aware of how much so many of us were affected by this, and how it influences who we are today.
Unless we do the work of unhealing, we can unknowingly and unintentionally repeat these unhealthy behaviors. Like Chris, many who experience trauma remain in a state of denial about how their history affects them until something happens to force them to look at what is going on in their life, including any patterns they are repeating. In Chris's instance, it was his wife taking the kids away, lest they be continuously exposed to his drinking binges. This forced him, albeit reluctantly, into my office to "work on my drinking," but allowed him to explore deeply rooted hurt and pain that was causing him to want to self-medicate in the first place. In previous generations, the reluctance to use the word "trauma" may have kept people like Chris from being able to heal.
Learning about our history is not about blame, but rather about developing understanding and awareness so we can move forward and heal. If your caregivers were limited in their support, either from external family, mental health, or community support, they likely had few opportunities to learn anything other than what they knew. This is not to excuse bad or abusive behavior, some of which may be unforgivable, only to illuminate the path toward understanding why they behaved how they did.
With this decrease in stigma around talking about our childhood trauma comes greater potential for healing from it.
If you feel like childhood trauma is affecting your life and want support to work through it, check Psychology Today for a therapist who specializes in family trauma.
Excerpted, in part, from my book Breaking the Cycle: The 6 Stages of Healing from Childhood Family Trauma.
