Verified by 
Key points
- Out-of-control anger is often at the core of many failed relationships.
- The three common ineffective ways of managing anger are scapegoating, imploding, and exploding.
- Disrupt angry responses by stepping away from a conflict, considering your options, and making a new choice.
Human beings are awful at managing anger. History proves it.
Pick up a newspaper or watch the evening news. You’ll see signs of out-of-control anger everywhere. Whether war between countries or arguments between friends, out-of-control anger can turn lovers into fighters, marriage into divorce, and siblings into enemies.
Everyone gets angry—it’s unavoidable. It's in our DNA. But anger is not the enemy. It can be a creative force that drives change and growth in your relationship or a destructive force that destroys it.
How you manage your anger makes all the difference.
Understanding Anger
Before there is anger, there is frustration, a pulsing force that seeks relief. Maybe you’ve been denied something. Perhaps you feel hurt or misunderstood by a friend. Maybe you feel hurt or fear. Such uncomfortable feelings can produce unbearable emotional tension that presses for release.
Here’s where things get problematic. To relieve this tension, the three common misguided paths that people often choose are:
- Scapegoating: You look for someone to blame. You feel justified in targeting all your frustration on someone else. You tell yourself, “It’s all their fault.” Righteous anger frequently leads to destructive action. As a result, scapegoating is at the root of much human suffering.
- Imploding: You internalize or suppress your anger. You'll probably even deny it if someone asks if you’re angry. You may avoid addressing the source of your frustration, leaving you feeling powerless. Anger turned inward leads to self-injurious and self-destructive tendencies. This unrelieved emotional stress can convert into depression, extreme anxiety, or phobias. Swallowing anger can literally make you sick. (See "Where Do You Store Tension in Your Body.")
- Exploding: You tend to fly off the handle. You find fault, point your finger, or verbally berate others. This dumping of frustration may relieve you, but it has a short shelf life. Exploders often suffer from low self-esteem and frequently struggle with toxic aftereffects, such as guilt or shame. Their relationships and self-worth tend to remain unstable and fragile. When it comes to adult temper tantrums, there are no winners. (See "3 Ways Grudge Dumping Destroys Relationships.")
Converting Anger to Assertion
Anger mismanagement is at the core of many failed relationships. You're doomed to this until you learn to work with your anger effectively. When you know to express frustration in ways that enhance communication and deepen intimacy, you’ll be on the path to a far healthier social and romantic life. Until you do, prepare to live with regret.
Toward Self-Mastery
As you’ve probably guessed, internalizing or externalizing anger resolves nothing. The solution lies in working through and expressing frustration without damaging yourself or others. Anger expressed in productive and nondestructive ways results in a surge of emotional maturity and greater peace of mind. Here’s how to start:
- Hit the pause button. Take a moment when you’re frustrated and investigate the intense feelings you’re experiencing when you’re triggered. Where do you feel anger in your body? In your stomach or head? Once you realize you’re triggered, find a way to step away. Get some fresh air. Then investigate. Ask yourself, “Where’s this feeling coming from?” “Is this familiar? Am I replaying a part of my history? Am I tired? Hungry?” These questions disrupt out-of-control anger by directing your attention inward and grounding you with clarity and insight.
- Consider your options. When you’re angry, a menu of options should pop up in your mind. Consider possible responses before saying or doing anything. Take your time and weigh your options. And, for goodness' sake, consider the consequences if your anger gets out of control. This reflective moment disrupts impulsivity and strengthens your emotional boundaries. It also empowers you with mindfulness and better judgment.
- Make a new choice. Avoid the same old responses when you’re angry. Choose a new direction. If you’re an internalizer, speak up and express your feelings thoughtfully. If you’re an exploder, pipe down, take a walk, and bring your frustration down so you can think clearly. New choices in managing anger open up fresh pathways in relationships and trigger an exhilarating sense of personal growth.
- Join a therapy group. Group therapy is your best choice for anger management, improving communication, and working effectively through conflicts without damaging relationships. While individual therapy focuses on your history, group therapy concentrates exclusively on relationships. As you learn to harness the passion of anger and discard its destructive aspects, you’ll experience a surge of esteem. (See "How Group Empowers You in Relationships.")
From Conflict to Co-existence
There’s no denying it; relationships can be frustrating, even enraging. Blaming yourself or others is a waste of time. When you develop the skills to redirect your anger and express your frustration positively, you’ll be rewarded with more intimate and gratifying relationships. The care and patience you nurture for others, you also nurture for yourself. And that is a win for everyone.
