Who Tries to Steal Other People's Partners, and Why

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Mate poaching refers to the deliberate attempt to attract, seduce, or entice individuals who are already in a committed romantic relationship. This behavior can manifest in various forms, including flirtation, emotional manipulation, or direct advances aimed at undermining the existing relationship. Mate poachers often exploit perceived vulnerabilities or dissatisfaction within the target's relationship to increase their chances of success.

How Many Relationships Start This Way?

Psychological research suggests that 10 to 20 percent of new relationships among heterosexual couples are formed directly from mate poaching. One study found that 10 to 15 percent of participants' current relationships were the result of successful mate poaching. Another study surveyed undergraduate students and found that 20 percent were currently involved in a relationship that began this way.

A typical question one might see in this kind of research looks like this: "Have you ever tried to attract someone who was already in a romantic relationship with someone else for a relationship with you?" Mate poachers are likely to answer yes to questions like these.

Who Are These People?

Research suggests that mate poachers—and those most susceptible to poaching—share some characteristics. There is a link between narcissism, infidelity, uncommitted sex, and mate poaching, and these findings are not limited to modern industrialized countries.

The International Sexuality Description Project-2 team, led by David Schmitt, measured narcissism scores of 30,000 people in more than 50 nations across 11 world regions, including Africa, Southeast Asia, Southern Europe, and the Middle East. This large research project found links between narcissism and sexual strategies across many cultures.

Mate poachers, compared to non-mate poachers, are more likely to be high in narcissism, engage in infidelity, exhibit an unrestricted sociosexual orientation, and show elevated levels of two sex-related personality traits: extraversion and openness to experience.

Narcissism. Narcissism, a psychological descriptor involving abnormal levels of self-admiration, a lower capacity for empathy, and an aversion to criticism, comes in two varieties: personality disorder (narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD, as measured by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM) and sub-clinical narcissism (individuals who exhibit narcissistic behaviors but do not meet the diagnostic criteria for a diagnosis of NPD). Individuals in either of these categories are more likely than non-narcissists to have personal experiences with mate poaching.

Only a licensed clinician can make a diagnosis of NPD, but sub-clinical levels of narcissism can be measured using a number of self-report instruments. One of the most widely used tests, the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI), evaluates sub-clinical narcissism along seven facets, including vanity, authority, and exhibitionism. Previous studies have found relationships between NPI scores and behavioral indicators of short-term mating activity—specifically marital infidelity, unrestricted sociosexuality, and mate poaching.

Infidelity. Levels of narcissism are significantly higher among unfaithful married participants. This study classified “faithful” individuals as those married for more than one year who reported zero extramarital sexual partners. The percentages of individuals who self-report being “unfaithful” vary greatly between world regions—26 percent in North America, 8 percent in Central/South America, 27 percent in Africa, and 5 percent in East Asia, for example.

Sociosexuality. Individuals with unrestricted sociosexuality share a willingness to have sex with little or no commitment. The Sociosexuality Orientation Inventory (SOI) is an index designed to capture behavioral expressions of short-term mating (e.g., one-night stands, a history of multiple sexual partners, and the desire to have sex on one and only one occasion with others).

Making Sense of Mate Poaching

Strategic pluralism theory. Strategic pluralism theory (SPT) provides a theoretical framework to understand the diverse motivations underlying mate poaching behavior. According to SPT, individuals may resort to mate poaching as a strategic alternative to traditional mating tactics, particularly in environments where opportunities for mate acquisition are limited or where the potential benefits outweigh the costs. Mate poaching can be viewed as a manifestation of a short-term mating strategy, wherein individuals prioritize immediate reproductive gains over long-term commitment.

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Evolutionary perspectives. From an evolutionary perspective, mate poaching can be interpreted as a strategy to maximize reproductive success by capitalizing on existing mating opportunities. In ancestral environments characterized by scarcity of resources and high levels of competition, individuals may have benefited from adopting opportunistic mating behaviors, including mate poaching, to secure mates and propagate their genes. Consequently, mate poaching may be viewed as an adaptive response to evolutionary pressures favoring reproductive success.

Psychological mechanisms. Psychological mechanisms play a crucial role in mediating mate poaching behavior. Research suggests that individuals engaging in mate poaching may exhibit traits such as narcissism, Machiavellianism, and low empathy, which facilitate manipulative tactics aimed at attracting desired partners. Furthermore, mate poachers may experience heightened arousal and excitement from pursuing individuals who are already in a committed relationship, driven by factors such as novelty-seeking behavior and ego validation.

Social dynamics. Social dynamics within peer groups and social networks can influence the prevalence and acceptance of mate poaching behavior. Cultural norms, social norms, and peer influences shape individuals' attitudes toward infidelity and relationship boundaries, thereby influencing the likelihood of engaging in mate poaching. Additionally, social networks may facilitate mate poaching by providing access to potential targets and reinforcing normative behaviors associated with opportunistic mating strategies.

The Dangers of Mate Poaching

Mate poaching poses significant implications for individuals, relationships, and society at large. For individuals involved in mate poaching, it can lead to emotional distress, guilt, and reputational damage, particularly if the behavior is discovered or condemned by peers.

Moreover, mate poaching undermines trust and commitment within existing relationships, potentially leading to relationship dissolution or deterioration. From a societal perspective, mate poaching contributes to the erosion of social norms surrounding fidelity and commitment, thereby destabilizing the culturally valued institution of monogamy.

Conclusion

By recognizing the adaptive nature of mating strategies and individuals' diverse reproductive goals, researchers can better understand the complexities of mate poaching within the context of evolutionary psychology and social dynamics. Moving forward, interdisciplinary research efforts are needed to explore the nuanced interplay between strategic pluralism theory and mate poaching, addressing both theoretical questions and practical implications for individuals and society.

©2024 Kevin Bennett, Ph.D., all rights reserved.

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