10 Things That Can Drive Adult Siblings Apart

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In 2014, when a possibility of reconciliation with my estranged brother surfaced, I was determined to do everything possible to reestablish a connection—and never let it go.

I sent myself on a quest to understand the complexities of sibling estrangement. I soon realized that the topic is grossly unacknowledged and under-investigated. Nonetheless, I was surprised to learn that social science research has identified certain risk factors that increase the chances of a sibling cutoff.

Here are 10 risk factors for sibling estrangement:

1. Family trauma. Children raised in chaotic, abusive, or neglectful families, run the greatest risk of estrangement, as many are living with parents who have an authoritarian parenting style. These parents are “demanding, highly critical, and shaming,” according to Kylie Agllias, author of Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective. They often use scapegoating, favoritism, and name‐calling when relating to their children.

Long‐term disconnection in childhood is a frequent precursor to estrangement. “This disconnection may be characterized by a lack of early attachment experiences,” writes Agllias. It involves “a feeling of not ‘belonging’ to family, and a distinct lack of attention or actual presence by the parent or parents.”

Children tend to respond to turmoil with one of two behaviors: They may form a close bond based on their shared traumas, or, more often, they protect themselves by isolating from the family. Children who experience or witness trauma in early life may shut down, numbing themselves to their emotions, which eventually limits all of their relationships.

2. Parental favoritism. Children are sensitive to parental favoritism, a factor leading to estrangement. Research by Karl Pillemer, a sociologist, gerontologist, and professor of human development at Cornell University, suggests that between two‐thirds and three‐quarters of mothers have a favorite child, and that children are keenly aware of a parent’s partiality.

When a parent favors a child, that sibling may become more egocentric, which could lead to estrangement. The “golden child” places his or her needs above the family as well as its other members, explains psychotherapist Ali‐John Chaudhary, who practices in Pembroke, Ontario. “That’s where a sense of entitlement grows,” he says, “and favored children become hostile towards those who have different needs than them. Parents need to teach that child that the family comes first and individual needs come second.”

3. Sibling jealousy. Two personality types appear to be vulnerable to estrangement: those who are chronically angry and those who nurse grievances. The issues that divide siblings in adulthood, according to psychologists Joel Milgram, a professor emeritus of education at the University of Cincinnati, and the late Professor Helgola Ross, often stem from rivalries over achievement, looks, and intellect.

4. Poor communication skills. The roots of estrangement may be found in poor communication skills, often originating with parents. When parents are unable to express feelings and negotiate differences civilly, they don’t model the necessary skills — listening, apologizing, cooling off — that show children how to resolve conflicts. As a result, small disagreements can escalate, sometimes exploding into nasty rifts. Adults with poor communication skills may handle stress or strife in a relationship by shutting down and cutting off.

5. Family values, judgments, and choices. The sense that a sibling has rejected the family’s core beliefs may spark estrangement. Those who challenge the family’s values through sexual orientation, interracial marriage, religious conversion, political philosophies, unconventional career or lifestyle choices may find themselves cast out.

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Some families simply will not tolerate behaviors that are perceived as deviating from the family identity. “The ‘family myth’ is the presumption that every family member is compatible, possesses the same goals, and loves one another,” explains psychologist Mark Sichel, director of the Addiction Recovery Unit at Hebrew Union College, New York. The author of Healing from Family Rifts, Sichel explains that families may use “we” statements coercively, to assert common values and discourage individual differences.

6. Political differences. In today’s charged political atmosphere, the smallest offense can shatter a sibling bond made brittle by partisanship. Shared beliefs are built on shared values, and some family foundations have collapsed around sociopolitical cracks. To mask or not to mask, to vax or not to vax, in-person or remote learning: These and other issues rooted in politics have created or deepened fissures in families and sibling relationships.

7. Alcoholism, addiction, and other mental health issues. Some serious problems—such as mental illness, substance abuse, incest, and violence—may never even be mentioned, much less discussed, in a family setting. Yet they may lead to cutoffs. Agllias’s research shows that mental illness and addiction (problems that are often related) aren’t typically the sole cause of estrangements, though drugs and alcohol may fuel abuse and domestic violence. These mental health issues are indicators, and possibly causes, of broader family problems.

8. Money. Not surprisingly, issues of money and possessions often rupture sibling relations. Why wasn’t that loan repaid? Who’s getting Grandma’s jewelry? Why was that child promoted in the family business? These and similar questions plague many families, often dividing siblings.

9. Inheritance and elderly care. Existing fights may turn vicious as a parent approaches the last stage of life. Divisive topics, such as health‐care decisions and caregiving needs, may reignite old conflicts. When parental illness, death, or unresolved estate issues confront estranged siblings, things may worsen as they suddenly must interact again.

10. Narcissistic families and siblings. An exaggerated sense of self‐importance and entitlement; arrogance and haughtiness; a tendency to monopolize conversations and belittle “inferiors,” and a general failure to recognize the needs of others. All these characterize a narcissist.

Narcissistic parents often create a competitive environment where children are pitted against their siblings. The children may have experienced narcissistic triangulation, when a family member tried to control the flow, interpretation, and nuances of communication. Children reared in narcissistic homes rarely feel closely connected as adults, and when one sibling is narcissistic, the relationship is at great risk for estrangement.

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