Why Parents and Adult Children Must Maintain Boundaries

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There’s been a fair amount of buzz about two trends in the relationships between adult children and their parents. One, greeted with alarm, are the reports of rising levels of familial estrangement, especially between adult sons and fathers but also between daughters and mothers, while the other, the increased involvement of parents in their adult children’s lives (and those of grandchildren), appears to reflect a trend. These two seem contradictory at a glance but, as I thought about it, perhaps they aren’t. That was underscored by a story from The New York Times drawn from the Style section, which is worth sharing.

The gist of the story is that a 68-year-old mother whose only child, a son, is engaged but living elsewhere offers her son her house in the hopes that the couple will come to live there and raise a family in the suburb where she lives; they currently live in a city. The son is thrilled, and when they see his mother, they share plans to tear down the old house and build a new one on what is a large lot. The mother is game, adding that perhaps they can build her a guest house or mother-in-law apartment. The son is categorical; they have zero intention of actually living with her. Needless to say, the mother is devastated and now feels she’s getting pushed out of her house with nothing in return.

It strikes me that rather than chalk this up to filial ungratefulness or the old “No good deed goes unpunished” trope, it’s also clear that that the mother should have made it clear that her “gift,” in her mind at least, had a quid pro quo, or strings attached. She didn’t. And while it may seem ”ungrateful” on the surface, I can’t blame a young couple starting life for not wanting their mother/mother-in-law literally on the premises.

I think situations like this one—in which expectations or even the terms of what appears to be a gift—happen with much greater frequency because of increased parental involvement in adult children’s lives and, yes, might be the cause of both increased tension and sometimes estrangement. (For my article on sources of tension between adult children and parents, go here.)

Maintaining Boundaries and Transparency

It’s not hard to see how maintaining boundaries can quickly become problematic when parents are called in for duty. Such maintenance can be literal, as it was in the case of one of my readers, Alicia, 43, an only child, a realtor, and the mother of three, and her own mother, Dora, 74, a widow. Dora frequently babysits Alicia’s kids when she works and sometimes picks them up from school and ferries them to their games and after-school classes. On the weekends, it’s not unusual for Alicia to drive by her mother’s unannounced, with the kids in tow, because she’s got a lot to do and it’s easier without the kids.

Okay, then, you say. But, recently, there was a huge fracas when Dora dropped by Alicia’s house on a Sunday without calling first; as it happens, Alicia had guests over. Alicia hit the roof, saying she had the right to her privacy. But what about dropping in on her Mom? “Oh,” she said, “That’s different. Mom never has anything going on anyway. It’s not like I’m going to interrupt anything.”

But the reality is that it isn’t the point; maintaining boundaries has to be a two-way street because, yes, adults—even if they are parents of adult children and appear to have little going on —have a right to privacy. You can't impose rules on someone else that you are not willing to live by.

Noting the Important Boundaries

These apply to both parents and adult children; some are more likely to be violated by one party than the other, but that’s not the point.

Mind the house rules, even if you are caretaking: Childrearing practices are one area ripe for disagreement—yes, there is often a generational divide—and one boundary that really must be adhered to is your adult child’s house rules. No ifs or buts on this, even if you are sure you are right. If you honestly believe that your daughter or son is parenting in a way that may damage her/his children, speak up in a measured way, but be prepared for blowback. This is not your bailiwick.

If gifting or loaning, make the terms clear: Money is a symbolic counter and, of course, the source of both cohesion and tension in families. The New York Times story I adduced at the beginning sums up some things but there are more. If you are gifting, make it clear if you expect a return and what the return is at the moment you announce the gift; repeat when you actually do the gifting so that there is no chance of being misunderstood. If you are loaning, make the terms crystalline, put it in writing, and have everyone sign off. It sounds harsh, but it’s just smart.

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If you are the parent, favoritism remains a flashpoint for a reason: Anecdotally, at least, one of the main reasons for tension and estrangement among adult children continues to be favoritism or, in its fancier psychological incarnation, Parental Differential Treatment or PDT. Yes, it’s been so extensively studied that it has an acronym. If you are actively involved in more than one adult child’s life, make sure that your efforts are even-handed; this is especially true when it comes to the treatment of grandchildren. When adult children estrange, the most common story of “the final straw” includes how some grandchildren are favored over others, especially when it comes to gifts and treats, which effectively is a replay of what the adult child experienced and the parent most usually hasn't acknowledged.

Stay consciously aware of how you act and, yes, gift and loan. Since money is a symbolic counter, your justification that one adult child “needs it more” or that another “needs it less” isn’t likely to hold much water; trust me on that.

Keep your opinion to yourself unless you are asked: Being in each other’s pockets makes each party privy to all sorts of details you wouldn't otherwise know about, such as arguments, disagreements, and agreements being negotiated. Whatever it might be, the wisest course is to stay out of it unless and until you are asked. That applies to everyone.

Your child isn’t a pal, and, no, your parent isn’t either: This is, in part, a continuation of the point above, with a wrinkle: No matter how close you are to your adult children or they to you, it isn’t a friendship and there are ways in which it never becomes a relationship of peers. There are issues that need to remain private among and between adult children and parents. Parents, in particular, need to avoid making their children privy to confidences pertaining to their other parent or even step-parents, as well as confidences shared by other adult children. If you are the adult child and undergoing some turbulence in your own intimate relationship, it's best to find a confidante other than a parent who is involved with your kids or household. If you have decided to proceed to divorce, that is another matter.

Appreciating the Role of Boundaries in All Relationships

Boundaries permit each of us to maintain our own space and autonomy while sustaining a close emotional connection; they permit our partners in that relationship, whether they are parents or adult children, lovers or spouses, friends or relatives, to maintain their own space and autonomy as well. Perhaps most important, boundaries are the foundation for mutual respect.

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