When Alienated Adult Children Reunite With Parents

Parental alienation is when a child strongly aligns with one parent (the alienating parent) and rejects the other parent (the target parent) for unwarranted reasons. In practice, the alienating parent relies on parental alienating behaviors with the goal of undermining the child’s relationship with the target parent. For example, they might interrupt time with the targeted parent or portray them in a negative light. Consequently, the alienated child adopts a denigrative view of the target parent, and both are denied the opportunity to develop a relationship. Parental alienation most often occurs in the context of separations and divorce.

Parental alienation can have far-reaching and enduring effects, including difficulties with reality testing, social withdrawal, and relationship problems. Depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, substance abuse, and trauma have also been found in children who were alienated from a parent.

But what happens when alienated adult children and target parents voluntarily reunite? This was a main question of a study led by psychologist Mandy Louise Matthewson of the University of Tasmania in Australia.

In order to explore this inquiry, Matthewson and her research team interviewed nine adult alienated children. The participants were female, between the ages of 41 and 61, and their statuses ranged from not completely reunified with their target parent to reunified for over two decades. The women shared their stories of reunification with their targeted parent, and the investigators analyzed their narratives for themes.

The results were striking. An analysis revealed six overarching themes.

Theme 1: Catalysts for Reunification. This theme addresses why alienated adult children decided to voluntarily reunite with their target parent, and consists of three sub-themes:

• Readiness of the adult alienated child in the aftermath of parental alienation. This encompassed accepting both parents, allowing love for both parents, and exploring a relationship with the target parent with the intent of achieving “wholeness” and “resolution.”

  One participant said, "I think the time I went to my father and I hugged him was when I gave myself permission to love him. I think that’s what reunification is… It’s that permission, that feeling of, ‘I’m allowed to love you.’"

• Personal experiences of divorce or parental alienation. The participants identified that divorce and alienation from their children led them to reflect on their own childhoods. It stirred questions about their behavior and curiosity about their experience of alienation from the point of view of a target parent.

  One participant expressed, "That’s when I started to realize, ‘Okay wait, if [my ex-partner] is going around and easily telling these lies about me, and…people are believing him, I wonder if my mum did that to me about my dad?’"

• Illness or death of a family member. Such events sparked feelings of compassion and love for the target parent, and coming together during difficult times.

Theme 2: Factors influencing reunification. Adult alienated children cited outside influences on reunification, which broke down into three sub-themes:

• Alienating parents. Some women said that their alienating parent intentionally interfered with reunification with the target parent, which included reinforcing negative beliefs about or frustrations with the target parent.
• Other family members and friends. In some cases, siblings, stepparents, extended family, and friends interfered with reunification. On the flip side, family members who were not under the influence of the alienating parent were supportive of reunification.

  A participant recounted, "The great support of the family network was the big contributing factor to just making [reunification] easier and more comfortable… They’d invite me over for dinners and we’d have good family get-togethers… so that was a big help.

• Physical distance. Two women said that physical distance was an obstacle to reunification.

Theme 3: Adult alienated child relationships. The participants discussed their personal relationships throughout the reunification process, which gave rise to three sub-themes.

• Connection between adult alienated child and targeted parent. Participants' feelings about their target parent were wide-ranging, encompassing unfamiliarity, distance, strain, and attachment.

  One woman remarked, "I don’t actually have to start from scratch establishing a relationship with my [targeted parent]…it’s not really from scratch because, you know, as buried as it is, we do have a bond…because she’s my mother.

• Reunification requires time and effort. Participants described that reunification demanded a lot of effort from both parent and child, which needed to be kept up over long periods of time. In some cases, reunification took decades—with cycles of engagement and withdrawal. The women said they needed the effort to be reciprocal and sustained in order for the relationship to work.

  A participant reflected, "I think that human beings being as complicated and complex as they are, nothing is clear cut and this concept that you describe as reunification, you know, it’s kind of like—doesn’t happen easily. It’s something that has to have considered thought and energy put into it. Like all relationships.

• Difficulty for adult alienated child to trust. Four of the women had trouble with trust in the reunification process, largely because of the fallout of parental alienation and parental alienating behaviors. These participants “internalized” the mistrust of the target parent and found it difficult to trust their own thoughts, perceptions, and feelings.

Theme 4: The role of communication in reunification. This theme encompassed communication between adult alienated children and the targeted parent, as well as communication between adult alienated children and the alienating parent. There were three sub-themes:

• Lack of communication skills to facilitate reunification. Four participants reported that they didn’t have the communication skills needed to reunite, and neither did their targeted parent.
• Types of communication that facilitate reunification. Three modes of communication strategies used by targeted parents were found to be especially helpful in reunification: objective, persistent, and compassionate.
• Types of communication that hinder reunification. Avoidant or reactive, past-focused, and confrontational communication was found to be unhelpful in the reunification process.

Theme 5: Adult alienated child understandings of alienation post-reunification. The women shared their new understanding of parental alienation after reuniting with their targeted parents. Five sub-themes were found:

• Withholding blame for alienation. Most participants didn’t blame either parent for their alienation post-reunification. They could see both parents’ perspectives and accepted each parent just as they are. Perhaps most importantly, they didn’t feel they had to choose one parent over the other anymore.

  A participant expressed, "As an adult, I realize that people are flawed, and my parents are flawed. And it’s not that my mum was all good and my dad was all bad. People are complicated."

• Lack of ideal parental relationships. Five women recognized that they didn’t have the kind of relationship they wanted with their parents.

  As one participant put things, "I have to say, in hindsight, I mean, I didn’t have as good a relationship with my dad as I would have liked, and I haven’t had as good a relationship with my mother as I would have liked. It’s been turbulent for me with both my parents."

• Sympathy for parents. Some alienated children expressed sympathy for one or both parents. They described that after reuniting, they were able to appreciate the negative effects of alienation on their targeted parent. One woman felt sad for their alienating parent, recognizing that their behavior grew out of their own childhood.
• Reflection on alienating parent behaviors. A third of the women processed being "turned against" their targeted parent and being denied the opportunity to develop a relationship with them.
• Guilt and shame. A third of the participants felt guilt and shame in some measure.

  "I would say that I felt guilty. I’m not sure that was mine to own, but I felt guilty that [my targeted parent] had to experience [parental alienating behaviors]."

Theme 6: the role of therapy in reunification. Some participants were in therapy specifically to address the reunification process, and thus gained a better understanding of their feelings—and learned to see their parents as equals.

As one participant put things, "I feel very grateful that I had the therapist I did… She was the one who helped me to see…my parents equally. I had always, you know, my [alienating parent] was up on this pedestal up here and my [targeted parent] had been down here, and she kind of brought them equal."