When Both Elderly Parents Die

The psychological impact of losing elderly parents on an adult child who is in the latter stages of their own life presents a unique situation. Losing parents when one is in their 50s or 60s is not uncommon. Census data for the U.S. population in 2021 described the age at which people lost their parents: approximately 11.7 percent had lost their mother between ages 60 to 64 and most lost their father between ages 50-54 (11.5 percent).

When an elderly parent or parents die in their 90s (or beyond), well-intended condolences often focus on the longevity enjoyed by the person. For example, that they, “had a good run of it,” or, if the aged parent was in poor health or cognitively impaired, to remark on the lack of quality of their life. Such sympathies are meant to comfort the bereaved and contextualize the death of the elderly parent as a part of the normal course of life. Yet, paradoxically, normalizing the loss may create emotional confusion as there are psychological effects that accompany losing one’s parents.

Even if one is in their 50s, 60s, or 70s, losing one’s parents can be painful and provoke a profound sense of loneliness. The loss of both parents means one is no longer someone’s child, and, in fact, one is an orphan. Psychologically, one may experience a profound sense of aloneness. Even if the relationship with one’s parents was complicated or conflicted, the loss may still reverberate. As long as the parents are alive, the identity of being a daughter or a son is also alive.

Loss of a holder of memories

Parents are also our link to prior generations and to cultural traditions; without them, we may feel unanchored. Home, not just in a physical sense, but in a psychological sense, is gone. Often, the parental home is the storehouse of memories, as they are the archivists of our childhood. They are the holder of our report cards, crayon drawings, and the cards we sent through the years. It also is a reminder of our innocent babyhood, and the witness of our milestones, from graduations, weddings, and births. The death of both parents not infrequently means dealing with the mundane but painful tasks of giving away or throwing out their clothes, their furniture, and the “tchotchkes” that no one wants. This act alone may bring forth a flood of emotions as well as the realization that one’s mother and father are truly gone.

Re-evaluation of relationships and life goals

Frequently, the adult children—the son, or more often the elder daughter, have assumed a caregiving role for their parents. This role may have had emotional highs and lows: e.g., the ability to give back to the parent or parents, but sometimes at the cost of a drain on physical and psychological resources. The death of both parents lifts this responsibility and can create positive and negative effects. The time spent caring for the parents, arranging home care, nursing home visits, and doctor appointments may create a vacuum when they are gone. Friendships may have been lost or put on the back burner and difficult to rekindle. For the sibling who took on the bulk of the parental caregiving, there may be resentment toward the other, less-involved siblings. Distribution of the parents’ assets, even if clearly delineated, may create another layer of sibling conflict and upset.

In contrast to such negative effects, orphanhood later in life can be an opportunity for growth. It can stimulate the need to be present in the moment, reshape priorities, and recognize that time is short for both you and the people in your life.

Shift in family dynamic

Older adults who lose both parents may experience profound shifts in underlying existential issues: that of one’s own mortality, the finiteness of life, and how quickly time has passed and can be lost. These issues may also alter relationships, as one’s role in the immediate and extended family structure may change. Helen Marshall (2004) in her summary of the midlife loss of parents noted these elements that emerged in the limited research on late-life parental loss: a sudden and pointed awareness of one’s own mortality that is thrust into one’s consciousness and the change of roles into accepting that one is now the elder generation.

In particular, the loss of both parents in quick succession changes family dynamics and may thrust the older sibling into the role—not always wanted—of “matriarch” or “patriarch. There may be gender differences in how parental loss is experienced; father-loss and mother-loss may be experienced differently by sons and daughters. Through her in-depth interviews in the United Kingdom of midlife adults between the ages of 53 and 71 who lost a parent, Marshall surmised that there may be a two-staged transition: grief for the loss of the first parent, which is then influenced by concern and caretaking of the surviving parent. Life-changing as it may be, Marshall suggested that the death of both parents may allow the grief to be more fully experienced.

The loss of one’s parents in older age is a particularly profound experience. It elicits a complex set of emotional reactions and losses. For those who had the fortunate experience of parents who were supportive, nurturing, and unconditional in their love, the loss may be more intensely felt. Ultimately, however, losing one’s elderly parents late in life should not be dismissed as one that will be experienced with less heartache. When we lose both of our parents, no matter how debilitated they were at that time, we have lost their profoundly symbolic role in our lives as our protector.