Families With Glass Children Must Not Throw Stones

Source: Manfred Antranias Zimmer / Pixabay

As a clinical psychologist, I have worked with many families over the years. Often there is a child in some form of crisis that brings the family into therapy. This crisis can be emotional, behavioral, or academic. Sometimes, it is physical. The typical, understandable response is that the parents or caregivers turn most of their attention to the child who is struggling. What happens next is complicated but also predictable.

In my experience, the child who is supported through therapy and medical support often stabilizes, either quickly or over time, depending on the challenge. This is a good and positive outcome. What happens behind the scenes is less good and mostly avoidable with the right outlook, support, and interventions.

Having a child with a disability (emotional or physical) can be challenging. There are many wonderful, dedicated parents out there. I see them every day in my practice. The truth is, they are human, just like the rest of us. The demands of caring for a child with a disability, be it ongoing behavioral problems, a physical disability, or a developmental disorder, can put a strain on a marriage. The statistics for divorce in these families vary by source, but, as an example, studies indicate that parents of children with autism spectrum disorder have less marital satisfaction and higher divorce rates.

Many parents seek individual and/or couples counseling for much-needed support. However, this may not always be possible due to time or financial constraints. In all this, it is the siblings of the “identified patient” that I tend to ask about and ultimately worry about. In my experience, those children—so-called glass children—tend to struggle later on, once the crisis in the family passes, and they can finally allow themselves to admit that they are not OK. Another way to say it is that these children work so very hard to not be a problem and not cause trouble—frankly, to not be noticed at all—that it is unsustainable. At some point, those children feel the strain and begin to crack.

What Is a Glass Child?

TEDx speaker Alicia Arena drew attention to this concept. She grew up with a sibling with autism spectrum disorder and, as a result, often felt "seen through," as if made of glass. Understandably, parents who have their hands full with children who require a lot of time and attention subsequently pay less attention to the children who appear “fine.” Of course, even children who appear fine have difficulties. It is just that the glass child gets very good at hiding these problems because they are essentially sacrificed on the altar of what is best for the family.

What “Stones” Need to be Avoided?

I view anything that threatens the integrity of the “well” child to be a threat to their emotional well-being. In my clinical experience, the following need to be avoided:

• Perfectionism and the promotion of it: These children often adopt an unconscious stance that they must be happy and perfect. Otherwise, they will be an additional burden on the parents and family. There may also be a sense of responsibility to bring the family together or even save it by being above reproach. This is clearly a burden too great for any child, and the parents need to send the clear message of unconditional love, independent of achievement or behavior.
• Suppression of feelings: Parents are often not aware that they are encouraging the child to be stoic or falsely happy, but this is often the result. Truth be told, parents are often at their limits, so the implicit message is clear: We can’t handle any more negative emotions. Thus, the child swallows their negative feelings, which leads to an internalization that is not healthy. Symptoms often manifest later in the form of somatic (e.g., stomach ache, headache) or emotional (e.g., depression, anxiety) concerns.
• Unintentionally ignoring the child: Again, parents may not intend this, but the “well” child often goes unnoticed. The child that requires additional attention takes up a lot of the parents’ time and emotions. If the siblings do not appear to be in need, the response can be to leave them be. It is important to dedicate quality time to all the children in the family. I know this can be difficult with time and energy constraints, but it will be important to utilize grandparents and any other family support to make all children feel attended to.

Over the years, I have worked with many families with children who have developmental, emotional, or physical disabilities. The strain can be enormous. However, many of these parents and caregivers are the most loving people in the world. And, no, these families are not necessarily destined for divorce, nor is it inevitable that the other children in the family will have difficulties. So-called glass children need not remain invisible if the proper supports are put in place.