How to Prevent Arguments at Holiday Family Gatherings

Few circumstances are as emotionally provocative as the winter holidays, especially those that center around gift-giving, extensive meal preparation, and travel. Individuals who feel stressed around the holidays have good reason in that the holiday's pressures are both financial and social. Yet while the foregoing factors often provoke anxiety, it is the reunion of extended family members or those who don't see each other frequently that often causes a unique type of frustration.

Because family reunions are typically short in duration, such get-togethers are not effective platforms to either confront long-standing resentments or try to induce meaningful changes in another's behavior. Individuals who participate in family reunions during the holiday season will serve themselves and the overall family system well to consciously prioritize preventing arguments while together.

Consider the following tips below if you plan to reunite with extended family during the holiday season so you can have successful interactions.

Prepare responses for specific scenarios that could anger or upset you.

Ask yourself what has upset you during previous encounters with extended family members. Is there a particular individual who has a history of upsetting you? Or are there a few different members who have bothered you previously? Ask yourself whether there is a particular topic or line of questioning that especially frustrates you. Finally, think about the exact scenarios when such offenses took place in the past. Were the past transgressions made while sitting at a large dinner table with many family members? Or was the transgression a case of being called aside by a particular family member? Understanding the components of a frustrating scenario is critical to preventing future frustrating or even explosive ones.

Be mindful of the difference between reacting and pausing.

The following quote is commonly attributed to Austrian psychiatrist Viktor Frankl (though it's established that a specific citation has not been located): "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”

This brilliant, insightful quote reminds us that we, as human beings, have the capacity for self-reflection and pause.

I can share, anecdotally, from years of clinical experience, that most individuals find that few positive effects come from arguments. While reacting emotionally to something that has angered or upset you is understandable, it's not necessarily wise. What is wise is to ask yourself how you could respond in a way that meets a couple of criteria: accepting what you cannot change and determining how to preserve your own good mood.

Ensure that you have a healthy out if a conversation starts to take an argumentative turn.

Because you can't control another's behavior, it's crucial that you have a plan to appropriately remove yourself from a provocative situation so you don't end up co-creating an argument. Physically excusing yourself from the situation to use the bathroom, for example, provides the opportunity to be by yourself, take a few deep breaths, and remember that your intention is to enjoy your day rather than fill it with an unnecessary conflict. Other examples include excusing yourself to make a phone call or check on someone or something which could be at the house, in the car, or somewhere else, depending on where you are.

Set up a reward in advance for making it through the holidays without a single conflict.

There's a reason why parents use reward-based systems with their children: they're effective! The same logic applies to adults in that you will be more mindful of your impulses and behavior around extended family members if you know you've got a reward coming for getting along with everyone. If you can make it through the holiday events with family members without a single argument, determine what would be a reasonable reward. For some, it may be a massage or an affordable gift delivered to your door (something you would otherwise tell yourself isn't necessary); for others, it may be an accessory for one of your hobbies or a ticket to a fun upcoming event.

Final reminder

While small rewards and gifts can have definite value, the truth is that the greatest reward are the moments in life when you pleasantly surprise yourself by your own behavior. Specifically, you can feel deep pride and relief in a situation where you would have snapped or stooped to the other's level in the past but surprised yourself by being kind, patient, and congenial instead. In this way, you find the ultimate benefit: While others may disappoint you, at least you don't disappoint yourself by your own behavior.