Sitting With Uncertainty

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Dating and relationships require vulnerability—which can be very scary and anxiety-provoking.

This is because there is a lot of uncertainty, and you are putting yourself out there, not having control of the outcome or what the other person is thinking or feeling.

As a result, many individuals avoid dating and relationships altogether or end up self-sabotaging because they cannot tolerate the unknown and lack of control.

The thought process goes something like this: “If I can avoid the stressful situation altogether, I will be able to avoid the potential pain and hurt.” It’s a logical thought process; however, it doesn’t consider this hard truth: pain and hurt are part of life. And, as much as we may try to control many aspects of our lives, not one of us is invulnerable to disappointment, loss, and change.

So, you have one of two options. One, you can live a life in fear—avoiding all situations that may or may not cause you some pain—but also miss out on deep and meaningful connections and shared experiences.

Or two, you can learn to sit with the uncertainty—leaning into the vulnerability—and experience more moments of joy, love, and fulfillment. Now I know it’s not easy, leaning into the vulnerability, but it’s worth it. Not just in terms of relationships, but with all experiences and facets of life.

You may be thinking, “Okay, but how do I learn how to sit with the uncertainty?” And this is a great question because it can feel so hard and intolerable (I have struggled with this a lot myself). It requires a shift in mindset and mindfulness, which require a lot of practice and patience.

Here are some tips to help you shift your mindset:

1. When worrying about the unknown, try to consider all possible outcomes—not just the negative ones but the positive ones.
2. Practice gratitude and focus on the things you already have in your life—your relationships, health, faith, and shelter.
3. Create a life that reflects who you are and what you value. When you have a full life, one of meaning and purpose, you will be less consumed by your fears and insecurities.
4. Practice positive self-talk. Be encouraging with yourself; remind yourself of how strong and capable you are.

Tips for Mindfulness:

1. Be present and try to take it one day at a time—while it can be easy to go down the rabbit hole of “what ifs,” all we really have is today.
2. Ask yourself, how are you feeling right now, at this moment? Is there an actual threat? Typically, there isn’t, and try to take comfort in this.
3. Feel your feelings, notice your thoughts but avoid fusing to the fear. Remember that feelings are fleeting, and thoughts are simply stories we tell ourselves. Let them come and go versus attaching to them or over-identifying with them.
4. Practice self-compassion. Try to avoid shaming yourself for how you are feeling. Allow yourself to acknowledge the anxiety or fear and then offer words of comfort, “It is normal to be scared; many people feel this way” or “It’s okay to feel worried or anxious, it’s normal to feel this way when things are uncertain, and you don’t have control.” When you are loving towards yourself, you’ll be able to tolerate these uncomfortable feelings.

While it might feel easier to avoid, I hope you decide to sit with the uncertainty and experience what you deserve to experience. By shifting your mindset and practicing mindfulness, you will be better able to handle unknown things.