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- Having options in life is a blessing but choosing well can feel like a heavy responsibility, especially when the decision is life-changing.
- There are ways to think clearly about your options, such as thinking about what's best for you as opposed to what's "right," thoroughly exploring your options, and having faith in your own wisdom.
- Making life decisions is a useful skill to cultivate as you will surely have to make more decisions throughout life.
Over the years, life can present major forks in the road. Sometimes the best choice is obvious. But what if you encounter equally valid options? Perhaps you have to decide which school to attend? Or which major to declare? Which career? Which job? Which city? Which living situation? Which medical treatment? Which invitation to accept? Which relationship to pursue? Which partner to build a life with?
When you have options in life, this can be a blessing but also a curse. It’s great to have a choice — and you can be grateful for that — but it’s also a heavy responsibility to choose well, especially when each path would send you on a completely different trajectory!
Here’s a reader who faces such a dilemma:
I am so confused. I’m in transition and don’t know which choice to make — to go to the university or to the college. My heart says college, but something else says university. The thing is, the college is in the city I’ve dreamt of moving to. I don’t know which one will be the right choice for me. Please help!
Dear Confused,
It's normal to feel uncertain about which path to take, especially when you know it's a life-changing decision! So let’s explore how to think clearly about your options and make your best choice.
Here are a dozen tips:
1. Think about what’s “best for me” rather than what’s “right.” This may seem like a tiny distinction. But shifting your decision-making process to what’s best for me can help you resist social pressures, family expectations, and others’ definitions of success. It also frees you to focus on being true to your authentic self and your actual goals, values, strengths, or desires. Thinking about what’s best for me also lets you identify and follow your dreams with confidence.
2. Explore your options as thoroughly as possible. Visit and tour both options, and "get to know them" as best you can. Actually being there, in person, lets your brain take in loads of key information that can inform your decision. And if you know your areas of interest, meet with faculty and students in those departments. Even intangible data like “the vibe” of the location, the people, and the facilities can be immensely helpful for determining which one is the best fit for me. And if you can't visit, study their websites, find virtual tours, and speak to people by phone or screen.
3. Consider that either option could be a best fit for me. Whichever one you choose, it could be a great decision! In fact, which school you attend isn’t as important as how much you apply yourself to your studies. So perhaps you can't go wrong. Knowing this can help you feel more confident about making this decision. And when you feel more confident (and less worried), you’ll be able to think more clearly and creatively.
4. Listen to your heart and gut. Whenever someone talks about "my heart says" or "my gut is telling me," that's intuition at work, and in general, that "feeling" in your body can be an excellent indication of what's truly best for me.
5. Imagine your future with each option. In the book Stumbling on Happiness, Daniel Gilbert points out that we make choices based on imagining our futures with each option. So, what are you thinking when you imagine the university experience and long-term result? Likewise, what comes to mind when you imagine the college experience and long-term result? (You may find it helpful to write down your ideas.) Dr. Gilbert says we tend to emphasize the positives and overlook the negatives of our fantasies, so be realistic and honest about the pros and cons, and the advantages and disadvantages of each option.
6. Identify the "something else" that pushes you toward your less-favored option. When you hear, "university," is that your sense of duty? Is it what others expect of you? Is it what others advise? Is it fear, compelling you to choose that which seems less risky? Or is it what you think you "should" do? In general, that "something else" can get in the way of your true self and true desires by justifying the "safe" or "predictable" or "dutiful" choice.
7. Ask yourself, “Which choice will I most regret not doing?” Not going to university? Or not going to the college you have your heart set on, in the city you've dreamt of moving to? (These are your words, not mine!)
8. Always set your sights on your own well-being. Your well-being includes having fun, enjoying where you live, finding contentment, and thriving. If well-being is your focus, this will be what you seek, what you work toward, and ultimately, what you’ll find.
9. Have faith in your own wisdom. If a good friend came to you with the exact same desires and confusion, and asked for your opinion, what would you tell him? Is this perhaps what you could also tell yourself?
10. Tap into others’ wisdom, counsel, or life experience. If you think talking to a counselor or another trusted adult would give you needed support and insights, do it! Counselors or teachers at your old school might also offer valuable guidance. And remember, sometimes when people give advice you don't want to hear, this can help crystalize what's best for me. So ask around and see what lands well with you and what doesn't.
11. Consider that your choice could be reversible. For example, many students choose one school and then transfer to another. So take the leap and try the one you consider to be the bold choice. And if it doesn’t work out? Choose again!
12. Leap and the net will appear. This is a famous and comforting bit of wisdom from American naturalist John Burroughs. As a mantra, it encourages you to let go of your doubts, which are the precursor to fear and indecision. It reminds you that taking risks can be key to finding your fulfillment, happiness, and success. And it points out that even if an enticing option seems preposterous, unreasonable or scares the crap out of you, it can still be the one that’s best for me. So take that giant leap, and have faith that you’ll stick your landing!
Making such important life decisions can be a great skill to cultivate, as you'll undoubtedly encounter other forks in the road. Remember these tips, and over the years, you’ll become more and more adept at determining what’s best for me.
