Reframing Romantic Breakups

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Some years ago, I was stunned when my college friend Jane threw herself a "Happy Divorce" party. The details of her split seemed so painful: She had married her college sweetheart and worked to support them both while he went to medical school. As soon as he finished his residency, he dumped her for a younger woman. But she was in good spirits at her party. “I have my life back and I’m only 30,” she told me. “This is a chance to start over on my own terms!” Privately, she told me that the end of their marriage had been painful, indeed, but that, as soon as he left, despite her tears, she felt lighter and eventually more hopeful.

Since then, I’ve observed the breakups of clients and friends as well as experiencing a few of my own, and I’ve come to understand the importance of gratitude in the mix of feelings that come in the wake of the demise of a romance. Instead of hanging onto negative feelings, carrying anger and disappointment forward for months or years, reframing the romantic loss with gratitude and forgiveness can help the healing process.

How can one feel gratitude when sadness, anger, confusion, and anguish predominate in the aftermath of a breakup? Those feelings, after all, are often part of grieving a lost love. But there are many reasons to feel gratitude as well when love fades, dreams die, and distance grows.

These include:

Gratitude for getting your life back. Like Jane, you might reframe being alone and starting over. Seeing your breakup in a new way, it might not be a tragedy but life enhancing, even life-saving. A friend I'll call Dan left his wife after decades of marriage "because I was convinced that I would die if I didn't leave," he said. "Our relationship was so stressful for both of us. I felt I was a heart attack waiting to happen. The parting in later life felt harsh but so necessary." One of their adult children observed that, since their split, both parents have been healthier and more at peace with their lives.

Gratitude for new insights into yourself and your choices. There are times we make choices influenced by factors that cloud our judgment, causing us to ignore red flags, at least for a time. But we can also gain insight from these personal missteps. A client I'll call Gina was so devastated by the breakup of a longtime relationship and so longed for the security of a life partner that she fell into a rebound relationship with Jack, a man she barely knew but who proposed marriage after only a few dates. She relocated to another state to live with him, leaving her old life and support system behind. He soon reneged on his marriage promise. And she became aware of behavior that was usually an early red flag for her: He was rude to everyone he encountered in public—in stores, restaurants and on the golf course. At home, he was selfish, critical and unwilling to compromise in conflict. She soon broke up with him, and found that this experience gave her new insights into her past and present. "I grew up with a terrible fear of abandonment," she said. "In a parental divorce when I was 7, I essentially lost both parents. My mother left our family for a new relationship and my father buried himself in work. I felt very alone. After breaking up with Jack, I realized that I've spent most of my life going from one relationship to another, fearing being alone until I was forced to face my aloneness both with Jack and after our breakup. I'm finding that I'm fine being alone now. That's a revelation; one I might not have had but for this particular breakup."

Gratitude for dodging a relationship bullet. In some relationships, there may be hints of trouble ahead that can indicate more serious problems later—and spark gratitude for having escaped early on. Cindy was heartbroken when Jaden, her boyfriend of seven months, flew into a rage and broke up with her after she tried to assert herself and express her wishes for their activities one weekend. "I felt awful," she said. "And I couldn't believe our relationship could end that way. But the next woman fared much worse: He beat her and ended up being arrested for domestic abuse. I felt sorry for her—and glad for me that he dumped me when he did. Looking back, I can see the red flags: He had a bad temper, gave me the silent treatment, or yelled at me a lot. Thank goodness he left when he did. I've learned a lot about what I don't want in a relationship from my experience with him."

Gratitude for what you shared and learned and experienced together. This sentiment was expressed by the late poet Peter McWilliams, one of three authors of the classic book How to Survive the Loss of a Love, when he catalogued in a poem all that he learned from a lost love, ending with, “But how can I ever thank you for Beethoven?” Think about what you’ve learned and the ways you’ve grown because of this former love. How has your time with your former partner helped you to change for the better? Discover new interests and talents? Grow in confidence and competence? Smile through your tears at some treasured memories you made together?

Gratitude for the gift of having loved and, perhaps, even the rare but wonderful bonus of ongoing connection and love. Out of the ashes of your romance, you may find friendship, forgiveness, and growth. While many relationships end with an abrupt and lasting cut-off (and sometimes that's absolutely necessary) and others roil in bitterness for months or years, other former lovers are able, over time, to forge a loving friendship, respecting boundaries and subsequent relationships while continuing to care.

Such relationships often have a history of deep friendship before, during, and after the romantic phase you shared. These former lovers/forever friends can be a unique blessing in your life.

Maurice, my former love turned lifelong friend, was a wonderful person with a great capacity to love but with an absolute terror of marriage. This contributed significantly to the demise of our romantic relationship after four years together. He was, nevertheless, the sweetest, most loving and constant of friends. He held and consoled me when a new love broke my heart. I begged him to marry the wonderful girlfriend who came into his life after our breakup and who stayed for 18 years. Sadly, he never married her, but he warmly supported my decision to marry a few years after our breakup. Maurice and I encouraged and comforted each other through life's ups and downs for more than 50 years until his death late last year..

Keeping love, caring, and friendship alive after a painful breakup requires forgiveness for ourselves and each other for not being able to fulfill one another's romantic needs and expectations along with gratitude for a uniquely loving and caring connection that can bring joy to your lives for years to come.