Breaking the Silence: Women Leaders and Fertility

Source: Celia Arias (left) & Caitlin Harper (right)/ Grown Ass Business & Commcoterie

The experience of undergoing fertility treatment as a woman in leadership can be isolating for a number of reasons. First, due to a general lack of understanding and awareness about the process and its effects, and second because seeking support means exposing a fairly private, vulnerable, and intimate experience. There are also many unseen struggles that are rarely discussed, despite the prevalence. This can affect how you show up as a leader.

I interviewed two women who served in leadership roles while undergoing fertility treatments. This post will share their journey and recommendations through their lived experiences.

Celia Arias is the CEO and Founder of Grown Ass Business, a consulting agency providing small businesses with custom strategy plans for streamlined and manageable growth. She previously founded a global fashion line and held leadership roles in marketing, brand partnerships, and COO roles for tech startups. She’s worked with companies such as Lululemon, Supreme, and Swarovski.

Caitlin Harper is the founder of Commcoterie, a change management consultancy that works with values-centered companies to design, implement, and sustain restorative organizational change. As the former VP of Communication and Culture at a global digital media company, and now as a consultant for clients across a range of industries, she tackles change initiatives in all areas of business, from people to culture to tech to marketing and more.

Unseen Struggles

Fertility treatments bring unexpected emotional, financial, and physical tolls. The process, often glamorized or misunderstood, is in fact time-consuming, energy-draining, mood-altering, and financially taxing. There are many doctor’s appointments, blood work, injections, sometimes multiple rounds of trials, exhaustion, anticipation, and anxiety. Celia recalls,

“The surprising thing is that I grew up around this. My mother is a fertility doctor. I thought I understood and also considered myself to be very physically tough. I'm also even-keeled, personality-wise. So, I just thought, ‘It'll be fine. I'll get pregnant, no problem.’ But there's just so much that people don't talk about. Depending on your doctor, you might have to go every morning before work for bloodwork. It takes dedication. If you don't like needles, you won't like this. I was surprised to discover how time-consuming and energy-consuming the whole process was, not to mention the intense mood impact. I felt unrecognizable in my body and personality and I had not been warned.”

If you are in a demanding leadership role, there is an additional significant toll exacted by adding the medical, physical, and mental demands of fertility treatments.

Caitlin recalls,

“I wish people better understood what something like IVF entails. In the mornings, I was up at 5am to make it to my appointments, which included transvaginal ultrasounds and blood draws. At work, I’d have 5 straight meetings in a row, and by 4pm I was exhausted from that, plus the cocktail of drugs I had to inject every night, which made me feel awful. IVF rounds that didn’t yield a pregnancy felt like a miscarriage. People would say, ‘Oh, you can just try again,’ before I had even processed the loss. Plus, IVF can cost as much as $30,000 and not everyone is financially able to just try again.”

Lack of Privacy

There is often a lack of privacy during fertility treatments. The journey's intimate nature clashes with the traditional workplace culture of keeping personal matters private, adding an additional layer of stress for women in leadership roles.

Do you share or not? This is something that many people undergoing personal medical treatments ask themselves. The hope is that if you share, it might foster support and understanding. But the reality is that isn’t always the case. There are unintended consequences.

Caitlin recalled, wondering:

“If I shared, then everyone I worked with would know that I was going through IVF, which meant they would know when it didn't work, which meant they would know when I was trying again, which meant they would suspect it if I eventually became pregnant, even if I wasn’t ready to share. Others can wait until they are ready to share their pregnancies, but if you share that you’re going through IVF, then you don’t have that luxury. People assume that if your early morning appointments are over, you’re pregnant.”

In fact, many women typically try to maintain some level of privacy about their pregnancy due to their concern about the impact on their career. Their concern is warranted given the ongoing maternity biases and discriminatory practices so many women face, including assumptions that you will leave your career to become a full-time parent, derogatory messages about the “luxury” of taking so much time off during parental leave, and having your competency questioned even after a very successful career. Women also hold (valid) fears that others will move in to take their place in the organization and that they will not have the same opportunities if they choose to return to work.

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As a result, they wonder whether it is wise to share about their fertility treatments to seek understanding and get support, or whether they should maintain their privacy, which is difficult and isolating.

Lack of Understanding and Empathy

Additionally, in the case of fertility, people might make insensitive or unhelpful remarks or ask invasive questions when you are not emotionally ready to respond. For example, both Celia and Caitlin recall people in their lives giving them unhelpful advice. Caitlin recalls,

“One friend said, ‘I just think that if you don't work so much and you relax more, it will happen.’ It’s one of the most inconsiderate kinds of things you can say to someone who has a medical condition.”

How to Create More Supportive Practices

Celia and Caitlin offer the following suggestions:

1. Honest Communication: Celia shared, “When you're in leadership, I think you need to be honest about the medical journey that you're on so that people aren't wondering why you are late for important meetings or distracted or why you snapped at somebody. But you also have to be ready to handle the emotional discomfort that comes with being open about something that you haven’t completely processed yourself. You’re working through your feelings while you may have to hold the other person's [potential] discomfort.” These behaviors can demonstrate strong leadership capabilities and role modeling in the organization, such as trust-building and emotion regulation.
2. Curiosity and Support: Instead of offering glib statements, Celia noted that the best course of action is to simply acknowledge your lack of understanding. Doing this can be more supportive than attempting to say the "right" thing. Caitlin added that fostering a culture of curiosity, where colleagues and superiors ask what support is needed rather than making assumptions, goes a long way. The emphasis is on understanding and addressing the unique needs of individuals undergoing fertility treatments. This is also important for colleagues who have had other types of pregnancies. Celia noted that we assume we have similar experiences and, therefore, must feel the same way about those experiences. “It's better to just say, “What do you need?” or “I don't know what to say.”
3. Flexibility, Respect for Boundaries, and Trust: A workplace culture that allows for flexibility in work hours, understands the need for privacy and trusts employees to manage their responsibilities can significantly alleviate the burden.

By educating employees, fostering open communication, and promoting flexibility, organizations can create environments that empower women to navigate their professional and personal journeys with confidence and resilience.

[Note: This post is part of my subseries on how organizations can transform leadership development for women, as described through the eyes of experts and women’s lived experiences via interviews. Direct quotes are notated in italics and/or offset.]