The Powerful Microgesture That Strengthens Relationships

Saying thank you is a powerful microgesture that strengthens partnerships. It is an "active ingredient" of love, a tiny action that has a powerful impact. Research by Joel, Eastwick, Allison, and Wolf (2020) suggests that appreciation is one of the top 5 predictors of relationship quality in couples.

Algoe (2020) found that being thankful and expressing it to others is good for our health and happiness. It builds closer bonds. Algoe (2023) argues that "gratitude is the glue that holds responsive, interactive couples together over time." She asserts that expressing gratitude in a relationship is unbelievably simple, and that "doing or saying something is better than nothing" (Algoe, 2023).

Expressing gratitude not only improves your relationship, it makes you feel happier, too. Emmons and McCullough (2003) found that focusing on gratitude has a robust impact on positive affect. Emmons (2018) posits that gratitude is only possible with humility, which is grounded in the belief that people need people. We are not self-sufficient; we depend on others. Gratitude involves recognizing a web of interconnection in which we alternate between being givers and receivers (Emmons, 2018).

Thanking works best when it is done in a combination of surprises and routines.

Surprising someone with a thank-you can make it more meaningful and memorable. Research suggests that humans love surprises and that surprises intensify our emotions by about 400% (Luna & Renninger, 2015). In one study, researchers found that the area of the brain called the nucleus accumbens, which scientists previously identified as a pleasure center of the brain, recorded a particularly strong response to the unexpectedness of a sequence of stimuli (Emory University Health Sciences Center, 2001).

Routines can be another way to build thank yous into the normal structure of your day or week. Routines and small changes help turn behaviors into habits of automaticity, in which, research suggests, behaviors become "second nature" so you feel strange if you do not do them (Gardner, Lally, & Wardle, 2012).

Creative [routine and surprise] ways to say thank you in your partnership:

1. Token of appreciation. Thank your partner with an in-kind gift and a tiny note. Buy flowers, buy their favorite meal or dessert, do a chore that's normally theirs, make them breakfast in bed (include a tiny note saying, "As a token of my appreciation . . .")

2. Sticky notes for the usual and customary. Write sticky notes for things your partner does that are "usual and customary" and put them in surprise affiliated spots

• "Thanks for getting the winter tires on the car" (post on the steering wheel)
• "Thanks for taking out the trash all the time" (post on the trash can lid)
• "Thanks for cleaning out the fridge" (post on the fridge)
• "Thanks for bringing in the mail every day" (post on the mailbox)

3. Thank you greeting. Thank your partner right when they walk in the door after work/when you first see them.

• "Thanks for working so hard for our family. I know you don't always love your job, but I appreciate you getting up early, dealing with the commute, and being so responsible."

4. The Sunday thank you trio. Each Sunday, thank your partner for something they are doing around the house, in the couple relationship, and with the kids (if you have kids).

5. Thank you sandwich. When you are discussing something you want your partner to do, do better, or do differently, consider a "thank you sandwich": Thank your partner for something they do, ask them to "do the thing," and thank them for something else they do/did.

6. Notecard for above and beyond on their pillow. Write a notecard for something your partner does that is really special and put it on their pillow.

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• "Thank you for watching the kids all weekend so I could go away with my friends. Thanks for driving me to the airport and back and taking care of all the chores so I could have a break. I know it was a lot, and it meant so much to me."

7. Thank you texts or voice memos.

• "Thank you for listening to me talk about my job last night. I really appreciate you being a sounding board."
• "Thanks for watering the grass again this morning."
• "Just wanted to thank you for fixing the shower head this morning."

8. Thank you alarm. Set an alarm for each Wednesday at 8 p.m. to thank your partner for something.

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