How to Engage in Small Talk During Grief

One of the surprising things for grievers is how many minefields there are in an average Tuesday. Questions that seem utterly harmless can throw you for a loop at best and make you want to run back to bed…and stay there…at worst.

Here’s what it looks like.

You’re mourning the loss of your sister. You’re at a work meeting with a new team and the introduction prompt is to share how many siblings you have. Your stomach clenches and your hands start to sweat as you wonder how to escape the room before your turn.

Or maybe you spent the weekend cleaning out your mother’s apartment, a task you’ve been putting off since she passed away three months ago. You go to get your hair cut, and the hairdresser asks how your weekend was. “Do anything fun?”

It’s not only that these questions flood you with sadness; it’s also that you might not know how to respond. Do you change the tone of the work meeting by sharing that your sister passed away the previous year? Do you open the gate to all kinds of questions from your hairdresser when all you wanted was a bit of escape and a good blowout?

The answer is it’s entirely up to you. It’s your loss, your truth to share or keep to yourself.

So how might you respond? Consider the situation.

Do you feel comfortable being vulnerable with the person asking the question?

Is it the time and/or place where you want to bring up your loss?

If the answer is, “yes,” share whatever you feel like sharing.

Don’t worry about tailoring your response to protect the other person’s emotions. Your loss may feel raw, trigger something in somebody else, or create an awkward silence, but that doesn’t mean you need to soften the way you speak about it.

You might even find an unexpected connection with someone else when you’re open about your grief.

If, on the other hand, you don’t want to talk about it, that’s OK, too.

You aren’t being disloyal to the person you lost by not bringing them up. If you want to say, “My weekend was fine, thanks,” even though it was unbearably difficult, that’s your prerogative. If it feels easier to say you don’t have any siblings, your sister would understand.

You’re not obligated to explain anything you don’t want to. Your biggest obligation is to yourself and your own healing process.

So how do you move on with the meeting or the haircut or whatever situation has made you feel like there’s a tennis ball lodged in your throat?

• Take some deep breaths. When we’re stressed or anxious, our body releases cortisol, which is your body’s fight-or-flight response. Slow, deep breaths signal your nervous system to calm down.
• Excuse yourself from the room for a few minutes. Take some time to settle yourself and return when you think the conversation will have moved on.
• Call a trusted friend. You know, the one who will tell you it’s outrageous that people would even bring up siblings or ask how your weekend was.
• Distract yourself. Think about something peaceful. You might still be sitting in the meeting, but, in your mind, you can be relaxing on a beach or drinking café au lait in Paris.
• Reward yourself. Plan the vacation or binge-watch your favorite show. Treat yourself gently.

One of the trickiest things about grief is that seemingly simple encounters are fraught with anxiety and can be yet another reminder of how life feels off-kilter.

In a world that might seem wildly out of control, remember that you are in control of how you engage with others around your loss. Share what you want, when you want, how you want.