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Here are some additional ways to (inadvertently) raise a spoiled child:
Not setting clear rules for—or limits upon—the child's behavior. Guidelines for acceptable behavior must be clearly established and enforced. In the words of Susan Buttross, MD as reported on WebMD, if such regulations aren't scrupulously applied, chances are parents will be raising children who are "rude, uncooperative, and disrespectful."
In not setting necessary (and, I might add, "civilizing") limits, parents inadvertently counter-prepare the child for the broader society they'll one day be obliged to enter. Accidentally having been "taught," or "trained," to behave pretty much as they like, they're likely to offend or alienate those they come into contact with as adults.
Not administering—or enforcing—rules and limits consistently. In these instances appropriate behavioral standards may be set, but parents don't necessarily adhere to them—whether these rules and limits are about throwing things, using cuss words, interrupting adults, or abiding by a curfew. Such laxness by parents (who may be overly concerned with avoiding family conflict) leads children not to take parental limits seriously.
Moreover, as a result of wavering, fluctuating limits, they can end up feeling confused and insecure—and so all the more likely to repeatedly put such limits to the test. Then, as adults who've literally been "educated" by such parental inconsistency to be manipulative or non-compliant, they can easily wear out their support system. Parents less than diligent in affirming their authority breed children who, later as adults, are less than willing to abide by quite reasonable societal standards. And such adults tend to be seen by others as uncooperative and undependable—hardly social virtues, or traits that others could be expected to respond to favorably.
Not firmly establishing consequences for misbehavior. If children learn that they can generally get away with errant behaviors (even those they clearly recognize as wrong), they're likely to continue—or even escalate—them. They may even come to rationalize these behaviors as somehow their "right." And this heedlessly conditioned self-righteousness about wrongness is, finally, synonymous with a dysfunctional sense of entitlement (and deep-seated narcissism as well).
Children not resolutely held accountable for their negative behaviors can develop the illusion that they don't really make mistakes; only others do. In short, if adult caretakers don't take the responsibility to discipline their children when their parental authority dictates they do so, they substantially augment the chances that their children will become irresponsible adults—not simply claiming innocence when they're undeniably culpable, but actually feeling innocent as well. Beyond this, they may even experience themselves as victims.
Modeling Entitlement. As pediatrician Harvey Karp shared with WebMD, how parents behave with their family serves as a model for how their children will interact with others. So modeling behavior that gives children the message, say, that incessant griping over small things is normal can, in turn, prompt them to become constant complainers. Obviously, mature adults take things in stride, can maintain their mental and emotional poise despite the frustrations that all of us are subject to daily. Those who haven't learned to accommodate themselves to such routine adversities aren't much fun to be around.
They can project a rather annoying sense that the world is personally unfair to them, as though they're entitled to a life without disharmony. Similarly, parents who impulsively buy themselves anything they desire—model, that is, instant gratification, or an unwillingness to be patient and wait for what they want—are inadvertently educating their children to follow in their own "entitled" footsteps.
Looked at as a whole, what most of the preceding points relate to are parents' taking too much responsibility for their children's feelings. In not wanting them to feel unhappy, angry, bored, resentful, unloved, or deprived, they act to alleviate the child's distress rather than helping the child learn how to effectively cope with unpleasant emotions on their own. With this exaggerated sense of responsibility, they implicitly believe they're to blame for the child's momentary misery. So they can't help but experience guilt as soon as they realize their child is upset.
And such guilt compels parents to intervene too quickly to alleviate the child's distress. To the extent they're successful, it's actually detrimental to their child's healthy development. For it's essential that children learn how to soothe themselves when they're experiencing uncomfortable emotions, rather than looking to their parents for relief every time they're in distress. But children can hardly be expected to undertake the difficult journey toward self-consolation and -reliance when it's so easy to turn to their parents for instant emotional support. Intuitively, they pick up on their parent's guilty concern for them and (whether consciously or not) devise increasingly creative ways to exploit these guilty tendencies.
Moreover, children—as children—are without any legitimate power in relationship to their parents. So it's almost inevitable that they'll try (however illegitimately) to engender or secure as much power with them as possible. After all, it's universal for humans—children and adults alike—to want to be in as much control of their life as possible. And children—"novices" at living, as it were, and so dependent on their parents simply to survive—can't really experience any authentic control in the relationship.
Consequently, when children learn they actually do have power—at least the power to make their parents feel uneasy or discomfited whenever they display negative emotions—their motive to dramatize their feelings is, regrettably, strengthened (sometimes to the point of becoming a personality trait). It might even be said that their parents' overly involved reactions toward them emboldens them to cultivate a certain unruly brattishness. (And it should probably be noted here that if parents don't know how to show love and concern emotionally—vs. materially—or if they work full time, have gotten divorced, etc., there are additional reasons they might effectively be "guilted" into capitulating to their ill-mannered child.)
On another level, the child's uncooperative or non-compliant behavior can lead, ironically, to increased compliance on the part of the adult. That is, to get the child to stop screaming, ranting, crying, sulking, etc., parents may not be able to resist "compliantly" going along with whatever their child may (calculatingly) be acting out for. So in fact the situation becomes one in which the child really does wield the power. And this reversal of normal family control dynamics can hardly help but induce in the child feelings of entitlement when—through repeated (and "illegitimate") manipulations—they're so triumphant in getting what they want.
Note: Here are links for Parts 1, 3, 4, & 5 of this multi-part post.
