Evolution of the Self

On the paradoxes of personality

How to Talk to—and Tame—Your Outdated Defenses

What’s the best way to dialogue with your maladaptive defenses, so that they’ll be more willing to back off and allow you to more freely be yourself?

Could Harmony in a Relationship Be No More Than a “Cop-Out”?

Most people would probably agree that fighting all the time with their mate is worse—it may be much worse—than taking pains to avoid such arguments.

What Words Will Instantly Increase Your Self-Compassion?

There are times when we can be really hard on ourselves. This is what therapists typically refer to as having a harsh inner critic.

The Word “Should” May Hurt Both You and Your Relationship

What’s the crucial, and rarely recognized, reason that you—and just about everyone else—can’t abstain from using the word "should"? And how does this undermine your relationships?

The Dalai Lama on COVID-19: Compassion as the Best Weapon?

A particular individual can do only so much to protect us from calamity but, collectively, we can save this planet for many, many generations to come.

COVID-19 Hate Crimes: Anger > Indignation > Hatred > Revenge

In times of social upheaval, even subtle, dimly recognized prejudices can be blown out of proportion and lead us to think and act in unprecedented ways.

7 Ways to Meet the Marital Challenges of COVID-19

During COVID-19, how many adjustments and adaptations can we make without getting so overcome with frustration and annoyance that we turn on those closest to us—like our partner?

Parents: Beware How You React to Your Teen’s Rebelliousness

You never want to get into a power struggle with your teen. Even if you win, the price of your victory could be the relationship itself.

When Your Partner No Longer Views You as Their Best Friend

Once the honeymoon period is over, you can expect to experience a certain amount of disillusionment. Here’s what to do about it.

Exaggerating Can Reveal Deeper Truths—Here’s How

It’s been said that “truth is shrouded in contradiction and paradox.” And this ambiguity can make strategic hyperboles essential in helping us grasp what contains deeper meanings.

Punishing Your Child for Lying Can Prompt More Lying

There’s a vast difference between teaching children what’s crucial for them to learn and, however unintentionally, actually traumatizing them.

Should “I Don’t Know” Be Taken Literally? 5 Reasons Not To

How can you tell when someone’s admission of ignorance is truthful and when it’s merely an excuse, equivocation, or out-and-out lie?

Apologizing: What Can Go Wrong When You Say You’re Sorry?

Have you ever regretted apologizing to someone? What was the result of your possibly misguided apology?

Can Anger Help You Heal From Past Trauma?

Does righteous, self-vindicating anger about past hurts and indignities function to heal them—or cover them up? It’s complicated.

When a Man’s Impotence Is Purely Psychological

To the degree that you, or someone you know, has had problems with impotence or erectile dysfunction, it’s key to correctly identify its origins—or it won't get resolved.

How to Get from Resignation to Acceptance to Affirmation

In many situations resignation would seem to make sense. If someone knocks you down, it may be safer not to get up and risk gong down again. And yet ...

When Someone Won’t Own Up to Their Bad Behavior

It’s rarely effective to fault someone directly for not taking responsibility for their misbehavior, especially if they’re fiercely defensive when blamed.

Seven Reasons to Live Your Life in Pencil

Writing in pencil suggests caution, flexibility, openness, resiliency, and more.

Hurt Feelings Come From Hurt Thoughts

The way you gain control over negative emotions isn’t by denying them, or battling them. It’s by grasping the frequently irrational beliefs that underlie them.

Subconscious vs. Unconscious: How to Tell the Difference

Quite on its own, your mind manages to remove from consciousness anything that felt like a threat to your very survival—physical, mental, or emotional.

When Your Best Judgment Ends Up Flat Out Wrong

When you’re pressed to make a decision, rarely is the evidence you have on hand sufficient to guarantee you’ll make the right one. So what if you get it wrong?

Have You Ever Had a Fair- or Foul-Weather Friend?

There are three kinds of asymmetrical, or unbalanced, friendships. Do you know what they are, and how best to avoid them?

To Get What You Choose, Choose What You Get

Once you decide you can’t simply walk away from a burdensome situation, you can creatively, and proactively, search for ways to make it less disagreeable.

The Strategy That Can Solve Almost All Couple Conflicts

This relatively simple intervention has been more effective in restoring harmony to combative partners than any other method I’ve employed in 40 years of working with couples.

Have You Ever Felt Like a Misfit?

Growing up, did you ever feel like you couldn’t relate very well to your peers? That they kept their distance from you? If so, how do you think this affected your self-esteem?

How White Are Your White Lies?

Telling the unvarnished truth can be cruel, whereas imparting a “diplomatic” untruth can be kind. But that’s not always the case, just as truisms aren’t always true.