Parents, Scared Children, and Accidental Emotional Abuse

This post is Part 2 of a series.

Part 1 of this series focused on the universality of gaslighting children, describing the phenomenon in detail. This follow-up post goes beyond gaslighting to explore the emotional abuse of kids in a much broader context.

But, as a caveat, it should be added that the intent of the so-called abuser is far less hostile than might at first appear. True, whatever they’ve tried to reassure their upset child may have badly missed the mark. But, in the mind of the wrong-headed “perpetrator,” what they said, did, or didn’t do was, sincerely, “for their (child’s) own good.”

That’s why it’s key such individuals learn to think not moralistically but clinically, coming to conclusions based on scientific research and, thereby, less subjectively biased. For what is helpful—versus hurtful—to a child is frequently contrary to what most people assume.

What Worries Children, and Why

Depending on their age, children can feel distressed by all sorts of things. To selectively provide some examples, they can be threatened by

• New faces and strangers generally
• Parental separation
• Darkness and frightening images lurking there—ready to possess or attack them
• Imagining (without any basis in fact) anything they experience as real and menacing
• Loud noises, whether from nature (e.g., thunder) or human-invoked (e.g., fireworks)
• Aggressive or violent individuals
• Having to accept certain risks
• Receiving poor school grades; speaking in front of class; being ridiculed, picked on by bullies, or betrayed by friends; starting a new school, etc.

Why, Literally, Parents Don’t Know Any Better

Frankly, the common tendency for caregivers to look at things judgmentally represents the greatest hindrance to effective, more caring, and more humane parenting.

Many of the so-called “emotional abusers” were themselves routinely abused in growing up. Victimized by such contentiously high standards—modeled regularly by their parents (and, almost for sure, by their parents’ parents)—such abuse became their norm.

The dominant defense mechanism of denial plays a major role here since parents, out of touch with their own reactions as a child, may not be able to understand, identify, or empathize with their child’s kindred experience.

Mistakenly, they may also believe that if they simply ignore the child’s emotions, those emotions will eventually be displaced or disappear.

Moreover, parents can disidentify from their child’s feelings and moods to avoid being “infected” by them. However unconsciously, to short-circuit being reminded of their own unresolved childhood feelings of frustration, embarrassment, guilt, or shame, they’ll resist reexperiencing what’s now causing their child distress. That’s how they escape the threat of emotional contagion.

Being Frightened by the Dark

To offer one example of benign parental ignorance, consider the well-nigh universal fear of the dark afflicting very young children. Almost certainly, their parents suffered from this same trepidation when they were their children’s age and failed to get the kind of reassurance that would have eased such fears.

Without telling the child that their fears are really age-appropriate and, so, “reasonable”—that is, absent validating the underlying insecurities understandably giving rise to such fears—their solace will fall flat.

Alternatively, if parents can share their own childhood fears of the dark (e.g., imagining ghouls in the shadows of their bedroom) and in that context assure the child that over time they realized their fears were unwarranted, it’s likely their child’s apprehensions will be assuaged.

Obviously, merely telling the child they’re being, well, childish, foolish, or silly (“Oh, grow up already!”) won’t provide them with much—if any—comfort. For your present-day reality is hardly theirs.

How Parental Insensitivities Can Harm a Child

Here’s a list of the different ways that heedlessly replying to a child’s troubling concerns can degrade, versus optimize, their development. As opposed to parents’ getting on their wavelength and responding compassionately to them, regularly reacting impatiently or critically can, at its worst, have the longer-term, more general effects of making their now-grown child

• Feel alone in the world—weak, confused, misunderstood, unsupported—and maybe even abandoned and unacceptable
• Doubt themselves: their perceptions, viewpoints, and decision-making
• Feel abnormal, deviant, or inferior
• Unable to soothe themselves when upset, for that ability typically derives from their parents’ repeatedly demonstrating the capacity to comfort them
• Reluctant or refusing to confide in others, because they couldn’t trust their original listeners to validate or confirm their experience
• Feel disapproved of or deprecated by others—or that they’re failures
• Experience difficulty moderating or regulating their emotions
• Develop a negative self-image

Tips for Becoming a More Mindful Parent

More often than not, when a child needs your understanding and support, it’s because of fear (and that fear might not be outwardly displayed). Nonetheless, they sometimes come to you to vent anger or share their sadness.

But, in all instances, what the child requires is that, nonjudgmentally, you validate (and maybe even honor) their experience. For they’ve yet to grow the resources to validate themselves.

Consequently, you want to speak to them in a calm, soothing way—plus do everything you can to help them verbalize their feelings, an important first step in helping them regain some sense of control over whatever’s disturbing them.

Also, when they’ve been coping successfully, make sure to reinforce this non-avoidant behavior by verbally or materially praising and rewarding them for showing the courage to confront what they couldn’t earlier.

Here’s a small sample of what to say when your young child needs your assistance:

“I know that feels scary, and at your age that’s perfectly normal. But you’re totally safe with me. Nothing’s going to harm you ’cause I’ll protect you. And I can be really strong for you” (and saying this while warmly embracing them will amplify your consolation).

“I know you don’t know this person, and strangers can feel scary. But I know them well enough to let them be in the same room with us, so soon they won’t still feel threatening to you" (and if it’s your preverbal baby, simply hold them to physically address their nervousness).

“I’ll only be gone for a while, and I’m completely comfortable with your babysitter. So no need to worry. I’ll be back. Remember, I always come back to you, right?” (and link these words with a reassuring hug, realizing children need to adapt to your not being present for them 100 percent of the time).

“I know you’re scared of the dark, but just get comfortable in bed as I read you a story I think you’ll like. Or we can sing some of your favorite songs together before it’s ‘lights out’ and you fall comfortably asleep” (returning to this primal fear, clearly give them the message that you love them and, if absolutely necessary, you’ll be “on call” to safeguard their welfare).

As a caveat, be aware that some of your child’s worries are entirely justified—like school shootings, global warming, getting into a bad accident, or becoming pregnant. So it won’t be helpful simply to tell them they have no reason to concern themselves with anything that’s unpredictable.

Rather than offer them circuitous reassurances, be honest and let them know their fears (though maybe exaggerated) are valid. Additionally, suggest specific ways they could deal as effectively as possible with such worries should they come true.

There are almost always actions to take (e.g., familiarizing themselves with their school’s exits or engaging in environmentally sensitive recycling) that will empower them and make them feel resilient, despite whatever in the future they might be exposed to.

© 2024 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.