How Thinking Differently Can Help You Feel Differently

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One way to distinguish ordinary sadness or disappointment from depression and despair is to examine how you react to unfortunate events in life. One 32-year-old patient, Nicolle, an art director in an advertising firm, had difficulty handling rejection. She had given up dating, believing she could no longer tolerate potential rejection. Experiencing a rejection in a dating relationship thrust her into a tailspin, leading to a deep depression. Rejection by a man, any man, no matter how poorly matched he may have been, was proof positive of deep-seated flaws within herself and confirmation that no one would ever want her.

Nicolle's reaction was colored by faulty thinking that had the effect of turning disappointment and frustration into depression and despair. These errors in thinking, or cognitive distortions, included discolored patterns of thought we commonly see in people who are prone to depression in the face of disappointing or stressful life experiences. We can highlight at least three cognitive distortions that discolored her emotional response:

1. Personalizing the causes of a terminated relationship as reflecting upon deep-seated flaws in herself rather than other factors (e.g., a boyfriend's inability to form a committed relationship).
2. Catastrophizing the consequences of the break-up ("I'll never get over this.").
3. Misfortune telling, such as forecasting that “No one will ever want me."

Nicolle’s case illustrates a key principle that negative thoughts trigger negative feelings. These negative thoughts are typically distorted or irrational, often because they are exaggerated, catastrophic, or magnified out of proportion to the facts on the ground.

Think Differently, Feel Differently

It takes only a moment for a thought to pop into your head, and it can take but another moment to pick it out, chew on it, and spit it out. So patients will ask, “So you mean I need to change how I think to change how I feel?” Bingo.

Disappointment doesn’t become despair unless you make it so. The simple but elegant idea is to take a minute to replace distorted, negative thoughts as they occur with substitute, rational thoughts. In cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), clients are guided to question their assumptions, beliefs, and judgments, and then to sort out the distorted or irrational from the reasonable and rational.

Challenging Disturbing Thoughts

What might a rational response be in Nicolle’s case? One test is to determine whether her reaction was proportional to the situation at hand, asking of oneself questions of this sort:

• Are my romantic prospects really as bleak as they may seem at the moment?
• How does the break-up of a relationship prevent me from finding a more suitable partner in the future?
• Is the only possible cause of a break-up some immutable flaw in myself?

And what if she does have some personal flaws? Who among us is the embodiment of perfection? If only perfect people ever got married, wedding chapels would be as busy as a snow plow on July 4. Like any of us, Nicolle might benefit from taking a fresh look at herself, sizing up her assets and deficits, and working to become a better version of herself.

Looking Through a Glass Darkly

Taking stock of yourself helps identify thoughts and beliefs connected to self-defeating patterns of behavior and troubling emotions. Taking stock begins with learning to identify patterns in your beliefs you may wish to change.

Depression-prone people tend to look at their lives through a glass darkly. Molehills become mountains and disappointments turn into disasters. Frustrating events or setbacks become catastrophes. The depression-prone person may have skewed vision in which they only see the negative side of things. Rather than rebounding from disappointment, there is a singular focus on the negatives, thinking about how terrible things are, how they are to blame, and how unfortunate events necessarily forecast a never-ending series of negative events to come. Though not every depressed person thinks this way all of the time, these are some of the common themes I see come into play time and again in clinical practice.

To a person struggling with depression, simply feeling it is so makes it so. Perception dictates reality, and what we take to be real and truthful conforms to our perceptions rather than the other way around. Motivation and desire to change are also limited by perceptions. If we perceive things as helpless, we are unlikely to make any efforts to improve our life situation. The logic is compelling:

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a. The situation is truly hopeless, and

b. I am powerless to change the situation; so

c. It makes no sense to try.

The logic may seem compelling, but it rests on faulty premises:

a. The situation is not as hopeless as it may seem;

b. The future is not fixed but is a story that has yet to be written; and

c. You are not powerless to make changes in your life.

Feeling It Is So Doesn’t Make It So

When you feel depressed, you’re likely to think that things seem dark and dreary because that’s the way they truly are, not that your perceptions have distorted your field of vision. The basement dweller can go to the roof and feel the warmth of the sun. In a manner of speaking, people who are depressed need to step outside their perceptual boundaries to see things from another perspective. I liken the process to opening your mental shutters and letting rays of light pass through.

How, then, can we counter the tendency to mistake perceptions for facts? The ability to challenge the validity of one’s perceptions begins by asking thought questions of oneself of the sort, “Is it necessarily so? What am I saying to myself to bring myself down? How do my thoughts affect my moods?” Practicing a personal Q&A may be the first step toward removing the veil and seeing things more clearly.

Let me end by suggesting that if depression persists or you experience any thoughts of harming yourself, you should consult a professional for a more thorough evaluation. Depression can be treated successfully, but only if you take the first step to get professional help.

If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7 dial 988 for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

General Disclaimer: The content here and in other blog posts on the Minute Therapist is intended for informational purposes only and not for diagnosis, evaluation, or treatment of mental health disorders.

(c) 2023 Jeffrey S. Nevid