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Key points
- Polyamorists and kinksters emphasize the importance of consent as it can help to ensure emotional and physical safety limits.
- Failing to establish consent can become a legal issue as some kinky acts are considered "serious bodily injury" under U.S. case law.
- Best practices for consent include getting written or verbal consent prior to specific activities and establishing a safe word or signal.
The first post in this series on the intersections between polyamorous people and communities with BDSM or kinky people explained the kinds of people who have these relationships, including their personal, social, and community characteristics. The second post focused on kinksters’ and polys’ shared emphasis on negotiation, honesty, and self-knowledge. This post will explore the reasons both communities emphasize consent, why it is especially important in kink communities, and the strategies kink communities use to craft and sustain consent among participants in BDSM scenes and lifestyles.
Defining Consent
Ideas around consent have changed over time. From “no means no” in the 1990s, which emphasized stopping when someone said no, consent has evolved to a more affirmative version. Today, consent requires not just the absence of resistance but the active acceptance and welcome of an interaction.
One of the leading organizations that has helped to conceive of, define, and measure both consent and consent violations among kinky folks is the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. NCSF, the advocacy organization for the kink and consensual non-monogamy communities, created their Consent Counts project to decriminalize sexual conduct between consenting adults, including BDSM. Part of that is to educate people about consent, which NCSF and its colleagues at the American Law Institute define as “explicit prior permission.”
The Importance of Consent
Why are poly and kinky folks so concerned with consent? And why is it especially important for kinky folks to be excruciatingly careful about establishing true consent? Not only do most polys and kinksters desire to treat their partners well, but establishing consent can help to ensure emotional and physical safety limits. Failing to adequately establish consent can become a legal issue, especially for kinky people.
Treating People Well
At the most basic level, getting consent prior to any interaction with another person’s bodily or psychic space is a great way to show people respect for their personal boundaries. Consent is important both ethically and practically, not only by treating others well but also by creating a more harmonious social environment in which people feel safe because their boundaries are respected.
Safety
When practiced with sobriety, consent, and skill, kinky sex is fairly safe. I do not mean safe from acute sensations – kinksters often experience intense pain/pleasure – but rather that the only lasting effects are commonly those that kinky people enjoy, such as the parallel marks left on skin by a brisk caning or a shape in the skin left by piercing, scarification, or branding.
Generally, kinksters do not require stitches, experience broken bones, or have any other lasting physical impacts from BDSM activities. When people “play” with kinky interactions beyond their experience or skill level, their partners can get hurt or even (rarely) die. One of the ways to avoid such tragedy is to clearly establish consent prior to engaging in kinky sex. Another way to protect kinky partners is to get education and practice skills with people who know what they are doing.
Legality
Currently, case law in the U.S. has established that kinky acts such as using nipple clamps or dripping hot wax on someone constitute “serious bodily injury.” Among many kinksters, however, these are relatively mild activities. NCSF spokesperson Susan Wright says that “NCSF assisted in creating a legal framework for consent to BDSM activities in the new Model Penal Code on Sexual Assault which was approved by the membership of the American Law Institute on June 7-8, 2021." (See Section 10: Explicit Prior Permission.)
Crafting and Sustaining Consent
Over the years, NCSF has compiled Best Practices for Consent to Kink, as well as some best practices for consensual nonmonogamy, based on input from its grassroots coalition partners and community-based consent discussions, as well as its own research on consent. These best practices include:
- Getting prior consent to specific activities by verbal or written agreement rather than through gestures, body language, or past behavior.
- Having a discussion of the risks involved in the activity and how one has reduced those risks through study, training, technique, and practice.
- Ensuring everyone is free to withdraw prior consent at any time during the activity by establishing a safe word or safe signal.
NCSF’s Consent Counts has a lot of educational resources for groups and individuals who want to know more about consent and dealing with consent violations, in particular for kinky and polyamorous folks. “Consent is what differentiates BDSM from abuse, and polyamory from cheating,” says Wright from NCSF. “Without consent, you’re harming your partners. With consent, you have the ability to explore your own sexuality as well as your partners’ in a way that is responsible and mindful, helping to build trust and growth.”
Why is all of this emphasis on consent and work to create and sustain it of such importance to poly and kinky folks? It shapes their relationships at every level. One benefit is that they get to have consensual sex that others might not generally be able to easily access.
Facebook image: Branislav Nenin/Shutterstock
References
Sheff, E. (2021). Kinky sex gone wrong: legal prosecutions concerning consent, age play, and death via BDSM. Archives of sexual behavior, 50(3), 761-771.
