Breaking the Cycle of Abuse

We live in a violent nation. The latest senseless killing of George Floyd seems to have united many to stand up against police violence against African Americans. But there is another cycle of violence we also need to focus on—the cycle of abuse in our homes.

If we ever hope to bring more peace into our world, we must start by ending the emotional, physical, and sexual violence that occurs in our homes. Having made the connection between childhood abuse and adult abuse and violence, we need only expand this knowledge to help us understand the violence that occurs in our communities.

Children who are neglected or abused in the home are far more likely to become either bullies in school or the victims of bullies. Many of the students who have taken up arms at school were found to have been the target of vicious bullying by their classmates. And we know that a majority of those in prison for violent crimes were either emotionally, physically, or sexually abused as children.

Those who are mistreated perpetuate a culture of violence that affects us all. Therefore, the work we do on breaking the cycle of abuse in our own families will have even greater ramifications for society at large.

Even though many people recognize the cyclical aspect of neglect and abuse, not enough is being done to break the cycle. Those who come from abusive or neglectful backgrounds are generally not offered courses or therapeutic programs that will help them to clear up the debris of their childhood before embarking on a new life with a husband or wife. Neither are there such programs for potential parents. Most programs are offered only to those who have already begun to abuse their spouse or their children.

Shame is a significant factor in the continuation of the cycle of abuse. It is not only one of the emotions that cause the cycle to continue but it often prevents people from getting help. It is time to stop blaming and shaming those who do to others what was done to them. It does no good to make monsters out of those who continue the cycle of violence by abusing their children or their partner. This only serves to harden them even more and make them less inclined to reach out for help.

It has become overwhelmingly clear that people don’t just “get over” child abuse. They continue to suffer and even more importantly, they pass on the abuse to other people. If you were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused as a child or adolescent, or if you experienced neglect or abandonment, it isn’t a question of whether you will continue the cycle of abuse or neglect, it is a question of how you will do so—whether you will become an abuser or continue to be a victim.

Although this may sound unnecessarily negative to you, it is the truth. Research clearly shows that those who have been abused either absorb abuse or pass it on. In the past 25 years, studies on abuse and family assaults strongly suggest that abused children often become abusers themselves and that child victims of violence become violent adults. Individuals with a history of childhood abuse are four times more likely to assault family members or sexual partners than are individuals without such a history. Females who have a history of being abused in childhood are far more likely to continue being victimized as adults.

But we don’t need research to tell us what we know intuitively. If abuse and neglect were not passed down from generation to generation, we simply would not have the epidemic of childhood abuse and neglect we are experiencing today. “But I know plenty of people who were abused or neglected as children who did not grow up to be abusers or victims,” you might counter. Even though I’m sure there are a number of survivors you can think of who seem, on the surface, to be leading normal, healthy lives, I can assure you that there are many things that go on behind closed doors that the average bystander never knows about.

If you could be a fly on the wall, you might see the cycle of abuse being repeated in the way a husband talks to his wife in the same dismissive, condescending tone in which his father spoke to his mother or in the way his wife passively concedes to her husband’s demands, just as her mother did. You might see it in the way one or both parents has an inordinate need to dominate and control their children. Or, one or both parents may repeat the cycle by neglecting their children in much the same way they were neglected, by constantly putting their own needs before those of their children, not paying attention to or being affectionate toward their children, or being emotionally or physically unavailable to their children because they are abusing alcohol or drugs.

If one spouse was physically abused as a child, you would likely see that kind of abuse repeated as well. Even the most well-meaning person will find himself or herself exploding in the same kind of rages he or she witnessed or experienced as a child. His rage is likely to surface when he drinks too much, when he feels provoked, or when he is reminded of, or “triggered” by memories of his own abuse. Or, the reverse may be true: If she was battered as a child or witnessed her mother being abused she may have grown up to marry a man who physically abuses her or her children. She will be rendered helpless—unable to defend herself or to leave, just as her mother before her.

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Many people who were abused or neglected in childhood know that there is a risk that they may become abusive or neglectful themselves unless they take definitive steps to prevent it. But not everyone knows the more subtle legacies of abuse and neglect. For example, those with such a history often view their children or partner through a distorted lens of fear, distrust, anger, pain, and shame. They see ridicule, rejection, betrayal, and abandonment when it really isn’t there. Their low self-esteem may cause them to be hypersensitive and to take things far too personally. And they will likely have control issues causing them to either have a need to dominate others or to be far too easily dominated by others. Those who become parents often find it difficult to see their own children’s needs and pain without being reminded of their own. And they may also find it difficult to allow their children to make a mistake without taking it as a personal affront or a sign that they are not a good parent.

Think about the way the abuse or neglect has affected the way you view yourself and others. What kind of a legacy are you going to pass on to your children? While these may be depressing or even frightening thoughts, there is a way out of the seemingly endless cycle of abuse and neglect. There are ways to make up for the personality deficits that often accompany experiences of neglect and abuse. There are ways for you to confront your pain, anger, fear, and shame directly so you do not have to transfer it to your partner or your children.

Based on the information in my book, Breaking the Cycle: Moving Beyond Your Past to Create an Abuse-Free Future, I will be offering a five-part series that can help those of you who experienced neglect or abuse as a child to break the cycle once and for all. It is possible to transform the legacy of pain into a legacy of hope.