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Juan is a 20-year-old college junior from South Florida, a volunteer for my research on sexual and romantic development from birth into the future. Juan publicly identifies as straight but as bisexual only to himself and, now, to me. If he were to tell his parents, Juan feels fairly certain they would be supportive: “It would be like ‘Oh’ and then it would be like, “Okay, whatever. Water under the bridge.” Juan is far less certain his friends would be accepting or supportive: “One of my good friends isn’t ragingly homophobic but makes comments like, ‘I don’t want you looking at me like that.’”
More troubling to Juan is how he arrived at his bisexual identity, which really confuses him. He is certain that about 75% of his erotic, sexual fantasies involves men (he watches lots of gay porn), which contrasts with the 90% of his romantic crushes that have been with women. Juan is a sexual virgin (with both sexes) and has fallen in love with several young women (never men), including his current girlfriend.
Ideally, in the future Juan hopes he’ll be equally bisexual in sexual encounters, sexual and romantic attractions, and public/private identities. However, Juan reserves his future romantic relationships with women: “If I think about an actual relationship with a man, I am actually turned-off. As in, as attractive as a guy may be, I would not enjoy romantic aspects, such as spending time together and being affectionate with each other.”
This latter assessment was reinforced when Juan returned for a follow-up visit his senior year. He had fallen in love with a young woman and after 7 months he tried initiating sexual contact. When with her he experienced frequent erections, but she wanted to maintain her virgin status given her traditional family values. They limited their sexual contact to body rubbing with clothes on.
Then, just before leaving for graduate school, Juan came in to give me one last update. Over the summer he had spent considerable time with Ramón in the lab, who was his ideal physical turn-on (“A six pack and nice pecs and arms”). Ramón always remarked about hot guys he sees on campus, the size of his penis (takes two hands), butt sex, and the physique of guys. Juan realizes he would like to have sex with Ramón (but hasn’t) and though some low level of romantic feelings has emerged, no relationship between the two has been forthcoming. Juan is sufficiently satisfied to simply maintain their relationship as a guy/guy friendship.
During the update Juan has also spent considerable time talking about the young woman who broke up with him, how much he still loves her, and how he hopes to convince her to want him again. Juan feared he had been too forward with wanting sex with her. He loved cuddling with her but his real desire was “like to have gone all the way with her.” Eventually he believes they will reunite.
Is Juan bisexual? Yes, certainly in his personal identity and the dual nature of his sexual and romantic attractions and his desire for sexual contact. Though publicly identifying as bisexual might be of some political significance in terms of increasing bisexual visibility, I’m less certain that it would be a particularly useful label for researchers, educators, clinicians, or Juan. Indeed, the label itself simplifies a quite complex young man and mystifies his own understanding as he uses words such as “mostly gay” to describe his sexuality, “mostly straight” to describe his romantic self, and “bisexual” to split the difference. No one else I’ve interviewed has Juan’s exact pattern and to lump him in with others who identify as bisexual does not help us to understand either bisexuality or the complexity of Juan’s sexual and romantic self.
But this simplification is not unique to the bisexual label, as I will illustrate in future posts with young adults who identify as straight and lesbian/gay.
