How to Be Poor, Broke, Jobless, and Content

Noah slumped into my couch, staring at the floor in front of his well-worn sneakers. "I just can't stop ruminating, man."

He had lost his six-figure executive banking job a few months before at the exact same time his life savings went under with his venture investment side project. He had gone from a huge house, four cars, and a very cushy life to credit card debt just to survive and put bread on the table for his two young kids.

"I can't believe it. I blew it!" he shook his head, eyes still fixated on my favorite coffee stain on the blue-grey carpet, almost in the shape of Abe Lincoln.

It's like, I can't sleep... My thoughts are just racing–all the things I could have done differently! Warning signs I should have paid attention to, people I shouldn't have trusted... And no one could have seen the layoff coming, I mean, the bank was doing great! The bank still is doing great! They just said, 'it's nothing personal, just cutbacks.' Cutbacks!

He spit the word out like venom more than language.

He shot me a darting glance as if to say, "And I know you can't do anything for me. You can't get me my job back or fix my financial situation."

Noah's situation is not uncommon.

With the pandemic and the economy, more and more people are suffering job losses and financial duress.

I decided to apply the five steps of radical emotional acceptance (REA) from my newly released book, Give a F*ck, Actually (Skyhorse 2023), with my client Noah. REA is a practical, action-oriented framework for embracing your emotions to live better. I could tell he was very much at odds with reality–not practical reality; it was obvious that he knew very well that his financial situation was ruined. Noah was in a battle with his emotional reality–with himself.

We have little control over the darts that will inevitably land right on our sides in life–the loss of a job, an unexpected and untimely death, or becoming a victim of extortion. Sadly, we inflict the majority of pain on ourselves that comes after these events.

As if a tragic event isn't bad enough, we can get stuck in a battle with reality by trying to deny it, undo it, go back in time, or somehow quickly fix it. In these disastrous situations, all of this struggle is futile and irrational. Although we know it intellectually and practically, somehow, we think we should be able to have control over the one thing inside of us that matters most–our emotions.

It's long been a manly (or womanly) trope to just power through, keep plugging away, soldier on, or stay tough. If we become stoic and strong, we can have power over how we feel–at least, that's the promise given to us by the previous generations.

I started with Step 1 (or the first, acceptance) with Noah:

• Step 1. Drop the shield. Recognize and look behind the defense mechanism or shield emotions.

"Noah, just name your emotions for me right now without explaining why."

"I'm furious! Angry, frustrated, irate, and I just don't care about going on!" He replied.

Exactly! The sincerity in your voice tells me it is true. Notice that these emotions are easy to get in touch with. Anger is empowering. No one will mess with you when you're angry cuz you look like you'd kill 'em! I'm feeling a bit intimidated myself right now, to be honest.

He gave me a little smirk and an eye roll.

"But that is why we call these shield emotions. They are "protecting" you from more vulnerable and painful emotions. Now, can you name those emotions behind the shield?"

• Step 2. Name the emotion. Simply list out the raw, visceral emotions without explanation.

Noah hesitated for a moment. "I feel sad, lost, disappointed, let down, helpless, weary, and most of all scared." He fought back a burst of tears as the sharp dagger of the mention of his deep fear left his mouth.

He was scared, and he should be. He could lose his home, family, and even his sense of value or purpose. Those are real, heavy things to be scared of.

• Step 3. Listen to the emotion. Tune into the wisdom of emotions with curiosity.

"Noah, it's really courageous of you to do what you just did–honestly telling me your painful emotions and validating your emotion of fear."

After holding space for him for several moments, I continued, "You should be afraid because you are. Your emotional wisdom is telling you some major truth about your reality right now, what is it saying?"

All this time stuck in insomnia, ruminating, regretting, and trying to deny his problem was currently unfixable was really a hopeless attempt to avoid feeling his deep truth, his very painful and dreadfully fearful emotions. Ironically, these emotions held the key the entire time for him to come back to peace with reality. To reclaim himself and re-orient to stand up and live again.

"Ha ha!" He unexpectedly laughed, "Oh my God. Yes. That's it. It hurts... and I'm afraid."

He gave an inwardly knowing smile, "Why do I feel this intense relief?"

"You just ended the war," I affirmed. "You just confronted and radically accepted your new best friends, your most painful emotions. They are just there to help you. They've been here the whole time."

"I know exactly what they are telling me."

I rarely need to give my patients any practical advice. My only job is to reconnect them with themselves and their sacred emotional compass; they know how to run with it.

Noah said, "They're telling me I've landed. And now I know that I can trust myself to trudge through this swamp to terra firma." He glanced up at me with a micro-chuckle.

(Terra firma means "firm ground, which is the name of a song by Chris Cunningham. He and I are both fans of Chris's folksy duo, Storyhill from Montana).

• Step 4. Act on the emotion. After fully tuning into your emotional landscape, it’s time to decide what to do (if anything).

"So what are you going to do?"

Noah said, "You know the funny thing? I don't really need to do anything at all; I guess–differently, than I'm already doing, that is."

Noah had already been working part-time as an Uber driver as he put his best foot forward applying for, what he calls, "crap jobs" to help him survive and get back on his feet.

In subsequent sessions, he came back a new man. I felt like he had just come out of a three-week Tony Robbins seminar! I couldn't shut him up from talking about all of the opportunities and ideas he was finding and gaining traction with. His venture fund was even unexpectedly revived with his old partners.

Emotional honesty with yourself clears the air so you can see and make peace with your reality as it now is so you can thrive in it.

• Step 5. Thank the emotion. Finding true gratitude for unpleasant emotions takes you back to peace amid the turmoil.

Only through embracing his most fearful and painful emotions had this frozen, ruminating man regained touch with his most sacred emotion: hope.

"Noah, have you done our homework since the last session? Were you able to find sincere gratitude for your painful emotions–for the fear and devastating sadness?"

Ya know. I didn't think it was possible actually to be thankful for them. After all, I'd been running from them my whole life. But one day, it hit me, without them, I would never have been fully aware of reality. The fear made me aware of the real threats out there against me. The sadness made me aware of how much I care about giving a good life to my wife and kids.

Noah didn't need my advice. All that he ever needed was Noah. He needed all of himself. By ending the losing battle of denying his feelings, he was able to be at peace with his external and emotional reality, and he was able to identify his desires with hope and creatively move towards them–even from the mires of the daunting swamp.