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Key points
- Interruptions for people with ADHD often reflect weaker verbal impulse control and working memory.
- Anxiety will exacerbate any nervousness about connecting or worries about embarrassment.
- Manage interruptions with key practical strategies including watching out for overwhelming feelings.
- Make a plan for when you get distracted, space out or feel awkward to avoid embarrassment.
Conversations can be tough for folks with ADHD: tracking the flow, staying focused on the subject, or talking about a topic that seems relevant and related to you but tangential to others. Then there’s the volume and tone of your voice, reading facial expressions, difficulty gauging physical proximity (standing too close or too far away), or worrying what someone is thinking about you rather than being present with what’s going on.
People with ADHD often have weaker verbal impulse control and issues with working memory and metacognition. You may interrupt and not remember to wait your turn because you don’t trust yourself to remember what you want to say later. It might be tough to discern a pause in the conversation when you can jump in. Perhaps you are afraid of forgetting. You may also be unaware that you are interrupting until someone lets you know. Sometimes, it's tough to manage your excitement about a topic that interests you so you are eager to share.
The urge to interrupt is also affected by anxiety. The more anxious you feel in a social situation, the more you are likely to interrupt. Anxiety will exacerbate any nervousness about connecting or worries about embarrassment. When flooded with these intense feelings, people with ADHD are naturally more impulsive and less capable of monitoring their words or actions.
Take a moment and reflect on how you feel when someone interrupts you. Does it seem like they aren’t listening but just waiting for their turn to talk? How does that make you feel? Even though interrupting can reflect challenges with impulse control that occur naturally for folks with ADHD, other people may not understand this and become irritated or impatient.
Many people with ADHD talk on tangents when telling a story or sharing what’s on their mind. This is an understandable part of having many ideas simultaneously. One of my clients recited aloud for me what he was thinking and it was a nonstop train of observations, interpretations, ideas, and curiosity. These many ideas may lead to sidetracking or oversharing in conversations, with others looking away or confronting you when it's too much and you've missed the cues to stop talking.
Some strategies for reducing interruptions:
- Write things down: Use your phone or a small pad of paper that you keep with you to jot down a few keywords that will cue you to recall what it is that you want to say. Whether you are in a meeting or hanging out with friends, let other folks know that you don’t want to interrupt so taking some notes while others are talking helps you remember your thoughts better. This prepares them and wards off judgment.
- Be candid about memory challenges: If you don’t want to write things down, say ‘I have something to share but don’t want to interrupt you. I’m just afraid that I will forget it.” This warns people of why you are interrupting. Doing this more than a few times in a conversation is probably too much. If you happen to forget something, don’t worry. It will probably come back to you later and you can text them.
- Watch out for overwhelming feelings: Indoor parties, gatherings at a park or beach, or eating dinner at a busy restaurant, all of these environments can be distracting. It will be harder to track what’s being said by whom and stay with the conversation. If you can’t hear or focus on what someone is telling you, ask if you can move somewhere else or step away from the noise for a few moments to take a break.
- Listen and ask questions: People like to talk about themselves and want to feel heard. Use reflective listening: (‘I heard you say X, tell me more about that’). Ask yourself, why am I talking now?
Now that you know how to manage your interruptions, let’s look at strategies for participating in conversations effectively with ADHD:
- Consider personal space, volume, and body language: First, consider physical proximity. It’s common for people to stand about three feet apart. You also want to monitor hand gestures and touching others. Some people might be uncomfortable when they are touched casually during an exchange; keep your gestures small and close to your body. Secondly, check out the conversation volume: Are you speaking louder or quieter than the people around you? How can you match what they are doing? Finally, observe the body language and facial expressions of the folks around you. Interest and engagement look open and calm (relaxed posture, eye contact, leaning forward); judgment and discomfort look more closed (crossed arms and legs, looking away).
- Reflect on your behavior: Build self-awareness and work with your challenges. Find acceptable alternatives to eye contact if that’s uncomfortable for you. Perhaps engage in an activity during a conversation so people aren’t looking right at you: walking, bicycling, shopping, going to a baseball game, or visiting a museum. Pause and observe before you enter a room. Get a sense of what’s going on instead of jumping in and asking “what’s going on” or interrupting to say something.
- Make a plan for when you get distracted, space out, or start interrupting: If you lose focus when someone is talking, watch their mouth or hand gestures to follow along. Ask open-ended questions that begin with how and what more than why. How will you get back into the conversation? Could anyone assist you?
- Learn to feel awkward without judgment: Everyone has insecurities whether they show them or not. Just because you might be uncertain about something or worried about how other people perceive you doesn’t mean you should avoid social interactions. We learn by taking risks and seeing what happens. Yes, it can be scary or uncomfortable to talk to strangers or even people you know sometimes. That's okay. Do it anyway, in small doses. This is how you build necessary social skills and self-esteem. Remember to focus on what’s happening around you instead of the made-up conversation in your head about what you think others are thinking about you. Be present and participate in the here and now.
Armed with the tools and strategies described here, you can feel more confident and courageous in meeting new people and making lasting friendships. Rather than expecting perfection in your interactions, aim to do the best you can with the resources you have. Accept that you will probably stumble and forgive yourself when you do.
