4 Ways to Develop Emotional Self-Management at Work

Source: Mimage/Shutterstock

You’ve likely heard of emotional intelligence, or EI, a term made popular starting with Dan Goleman’s book first published in 1995. The concepts have become extremely popular, backed by a history of research demonstrating numerous benefits, both personally and professionally, for individuals who experience higher levels of EI. Fortunately, there is also good evidence for the case that EI can be developed with intentional practice.

The predominant model of EI encompasses four domains: self-awareness, self-management, interpersonal awareness, and relationship management. The self-awareness components are fundamental, as they serve as the foundation for the ability to effectively manage one’s own emotions and navigate interpersonal interactions and relationships. In a companion post, I wrote about four specific practices for developing greater emotional self-awareness at work. Here, let’s consider four ways you can develop greater emotional self-management.

1. Pause to Mentally Distance

In an emotionally charged situation, the path of least resistance is to follow your feelings. Instead, take conscious control of your attention and thereby automatically shift from allowing your limbic system to guide your behavior (reacting) to engaging your cerebral cortex (responding). Doing so provides you with choices as to how to act. Psychologists refer to this strategy as decentering, but we don’t need to know the name to make it work for us.

Of course, mentally stepping out of a strong whirlwind of emotion such as frustration, anger, or anxiety is easier said than done. As a first step, it can be helpful to begin noting your particular physical experiences that accompany troublesome emotions. Then use recognition of those as a trigger to get your attention, thereby providing you the opportunity to mentally shift from reacting to choosing how to act.

When you notice your typical physiological experiences associated with strong negative emotion, what should you do? Mentally step out of your immediate experience. Asking yourself any question, or imagining what you might look like to others right now, will do the trick. At that point, although still physiologically keyed up, you will be able to ask yourself, “What is the best course of action right now?” or “What advice would I give someone else who is in my shoes?” Stay focused on coming up with an answer and following through on it.

2. Take Control of Your Self-Talk

We’re frequently unaware of how much self-chatter is going on in the background of our minds. Such self-talk might not be in fully articulated words or phrases, but instead little flashes of thought regarding what is happening, what should be, how terrible something (or someone) is, or how right we are and wrong someone else is. The possibilities are nearly endless.

Becoming aware of your self-talk can be difficult, but is a possibility when you engage in decentering as described in the first strategy above. Why is this an important skill to develop? Because it is those background beliefs that fuel our emotional responses. To genuinely defuse a strong negative emotion requires tackling the source by examining the underlying belief and how accurate, rational, or useful it is.

There will be the temptation to justify the belief (e.g., “This situation/person should not be so difficult!”) but, instead, recognize that the situation is the way it is, no matter how much you want or wish otherwise. Also ask yourself, “How useful is it to me to continue to cling to this belief or self-talk?” You might also flex your conscious awareness to focus on asking, “Over what aspects of this situation do I have some degree of control? What do I need to do in that regard?”

3. Enlist Partners

Ask others you trust to help you recognize when your emotions seem to be getting the best of you. Explain your developmental goals and sincerely ask for help. Agree on a gesture or word that might serve as a signal that your trusted individual wonders whether you’re riding the led-by-your-limbic-system train.

Leadership Essential Reads

Why High-Potential Women Are Ambivalent About Leadership

Why Well-Being Is Foundational to Leading at Your Best

Of course, there will be times they’re wrong, and even if they’re right, it can feel irritating to be “called out” when the commentary running in the background of your mind is at full speed. So, it’s important to ask for help only if you’re committed to not responding defensively when you get the signal. Instead, focus on the fact that your professional development partner is offering a gift (that you asked for), and is taking a risk. Reacting with anything other than gratitude ensures that your partner won’t take that risk again and may tarnish your reputation or relationship with that person.

4. Cultivate Curiosity

Our brains are wired to draw conclusions and form judgments at lightning speed, and those are frequently the cause of our negative emotions. Those judgments are not necessarily accurate, but they feel like they are, and we tend to run with them, sparking the self-talk that follows. Generally working to be more curious about other peoples’ experiences, including their interpretations of events and their self-identified motives for their behavior, helps inhibit making hasty judgments.

To be able to apply the brakes on your strong emotional reaction when triggered, practicing curiosity in situations that are not nearly as emotionally charged is a good way to build that skill for when it’s most important. A side benefit of cultivating curiosity is that it also promotes a sense of empathy and deeper connection with those you better try to understand.

A common thread across the four strategies for cultivating emotional self-management is the ability to recognize being at the center of the limbic-system-induced emotional storm and deciding to shift to conscious intentionality rather than reaction. Like any skill, it requires practice, and there will be difficulties and lapses along the way. However, the benefits, both professionally and personally, can be immense. In what ways would your life be enhanced with greater emotional self-control?