How Talking to a Stranger Made My Day

Last Friday, I headed to work on a crowded subway car. Eyes glued to my phone, I clung to a pole. I hadn’t slept well, and the news I scanned was all bad. As the doors closed, I heard the overhead. I generally ignore the unintelligible announcements. But this one was different.

“Good morning,” said an energetic voice. It was such a nice voice, with such a nice tone, that I looked up, catching the eye of a fellow traveler. “Ninety-sixth street will be your next stop, your first opportunity to change for the two or three trains. It’s a new day, a new year, and a time for second chances. Please watch your step as you leave the train!”

I smiled, and the woman whose eye I’d caught smiled too. We laughed. Then we did the thing that no one ever does on a crowded subway car — we spoke to each other. “I love this guy!” said my eye-contact friend. “I’ve heard him before.”

“Second chances,” I replied, “Very poetic for 7 a.m.!”

Other people smiled as well. Our smiles lasted as the train pulled into 96^th street. Together, we dashed to the very train our guide thought we might have the opportunity to catch. On this train, I kept my phone in my bag. I stood up straight and I thought about second chances. Then I got off at my stop and started my day. I had a little skip in my step as I walked to the office. My mood was good, and my outlook was bright. That lasted all day.

What happened? Could it be that an unusually upbeat overhead announcement and exchanging scant words with a stranger changed my mood? Yes, say researchers, that could be exactly what happened!

In their aptly titled paper, “Social Interactions and Well-Being: The Surprising Power of Weak Ties,” research psychologists Gillian Sandstrom and Elizabeth Dunn suggest that talking to people with whom you have what they call “weak ties” — like the woman on the subway car — can make you feel better. To show that the effect of socializing extended to interactions with people you don’t know well, they asked undergraduates to count the number of in-person interactions they had with classmates before and after class and to answer the question, “How are you feeling right now?” on a scale from 1-100. Students who had more in-person interactions — even minimal interactions with people they barely knew – reported greater happiness. Next, Sandstrom and Dunn had students count their social interactions for three days using two clickers – one for “strong-tie” interactions and one for “weak-tie” interactions and then assess their well-being. Once again, people who had more “weak-tie” interactions rated themselves as happier than others.

As Sandstrom and Dunn note, these studies were correlational, meaning that the results can’t be used to say that the interactions caused a better sense of well-being. And it could just be that happier people tend to talk to relative strangers, although the results were the same for people with different personality types. Regardless, this kind of data was clearly compelling enough for the University of Sussex to establish a “Centre for Research on Kindness.” That piece of information alone made my day.

So my mood-brightening morning moment may not have been a fluke. Maybe I felt noticed. Maybe I enjoyed the smile, the laugh, and the unexpected bit of philosophy. It’s the connection, though, that feels most important. Even my morning wave to the neighborhood baker as he kneads dough behind his shop window, and his wave back to me, lifts me a little. Although I couldn't see him, the conductor on the train was trying to make a connection, too. Rather than just saying, “96^th street next,” he offered me a greeting, called out to me by saying, “you,” and offered me a few very good pieces of advice. In his own way, he was trying to reach me, and I felt it.

So yes, I’m going to end this post with a call to connect to others. And, as Sandstrom and Dunn remind us, not just your loved ones. The policeman on the corner, the kid with the cute dog, the woman you offer a seat to on the bus, and the neighbor you see as you take out the evening trash. Just saying “hello” might make you feel unexpectedly good.