Bowing: the perfect #MeToo "hello"

Walking into a gathering recently, a man I know peripherally greeted me by thrusting his cheek frightening near my lips. Did I want to kiss this man? No. Did I comply? Yes, grudgingly. I gave him a grazing fly-by. Next – the split-second decision whether to heed the edict of the Gospels. I did and was soon grazed back. Yuck.

Source: Deborah Cabaniss

And then I went to Japan. Before I even boarded at JFK, six Japan Airlines flight attendants approached the staff working the podium. Facing one another, the two teams bowed. Tethered to my charging station, I choked up. I was going to a very different place. A place of respect. A place of personal space.

The bowing was continuous. The group that loaded my suitcase onto the Friendly Limousine bus at Narita bowed as we pulled away from the curb. Every head leaned in slightly at the hotel, in cabs, in public bathrooms – everywhere. Within a day, I started to bob automatically. Whether seated, or standing, facing an honored teacher or the person who made some extra room for me on the subway. Meeting new people, the way was clear – no handshake, no hug, no kiss. A bow. I honor you, you honor me, and we get to keep our personal space. Phew!

Greeting with a kiss is a very ancient tradition. Sheril Kirshenbaum, author of “The Science of Kissing,” notes that the greetings kiss is referenced in the old Testament, Homer and Ovid. Perhaps the most famous mandate for kissing hello comes from Paul, who, in Corinthians 16, says, “Greet one another with a holy kiss.” Some people kiss hands, perhaps derived from ring kissing, while others kiss cheeks. Aside from the Eiffel Tower, there’s nothing as French as the two-cheek kiss – as suitable for a perfect stranger as for your grand-mère.

But the world has changed. Some scoffed at this winter’s condemnation of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” but consent is now an absolute requirement for touching of any kind. Even Joe Biden realizes that he can’t just bury his nose in someone’s hair without asking.

So how did that guy get away with sticking his face into mine?

Some traditions die hard. The consent directive clearly hasn’t fully trickled down to Upper West Side cocktail parties. Should it? What about graduations? I went to one recently and watched a dean, who had probably sat through hours of Title IX training, kiss everyone who got a diploma. What’s up with that? And is this just about kisses? What about the hug, that 70’s hold-over and teenage staple? Hugs are full-on body to body contact. Is consent needed for that, too?

I was 6 years old when the term Ms. was reintroduced to mainstream American culture. Naysayers said it was a fad. Now, no one would dream of calling anyone “Miss,” and “Mrs.” seems to be reserved solely for female British prime ministers. Women realized that the time had come to eschew an anti-feminist yoke. Perhaps the same is true of the greetings kiss.

We could go back to handshakes. They’re not bad. The friendly reach that says, “I’m not carrying a weapon,” had a good run, but smacks of fedoras. High fives are interesting as well – they’re buoyant and casual. But even these hand-to-hand greetings involve touch, which today has political valence. If someone puts out their hand to shake or slap and you refuse, it has a negative meaning. Should we be putting each other in the position of seeming unfriendly because we don’t want to touch people we don’t know?

For my money, bowing is the way to go. Graceful, respectful, it communicates so much without the slightest physical contact. Anyone from a child to an elderly person can bow easily, and there’s no worry about consent. I have never felt so warmly greeted as I did when I was welcomed with bows. Interestingly, young people in Japan, feeling the full-force of globalization and turning away from their own ancient traditions, are now increasingly hugging. But no matter. Aside from the cherry trees and omakase, there’s nothing I miss more about Japan than the bows. Conveying honor, warmth and personal space – they are the perfect #MeToo hello.