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Key points
- Belonging is a core human need.
- Lacking a sense of belonging can exacerbate mental health challenges.
- Therapy can be healing, especially for mental health conditions, but it is no replacement for community.
- We can seek and give support as friends and community members while still maintaining boundaries.
As a therapist, I often feel both honored and limited. Therapy is a space for healing. Therapists can utilize skill and presence to assist individuals in working toward specific goals and objects. Still, it is limited.
Therapy is not a replacement for community.
As far back as 1943, when Maslow first wrote about his "hierarchy of needs" (Maslow, 1943), belonging has been identified as a core need. In 2005, suicidologist Dr. Thomas Joiner identified "thwarted belonging" and sense of burden as two of three major risk factors for thoughts of suicide (Joiner, 2005).
As humans, we need to feel a part of something greater than ourselves. Therapy can be a space to feel heard and connect. Still, it is not enough to meet this need alone.
In my experience, some of the best gains from therapy often require some greater connection to the community—whether it's group therapy, family interventions, or individual therapy focused on relationships. Psychodynamic psychotherapies offer a "corrective relationship" where a person may break what have been harmful patterns in their relationships to go on to create new healthy relationships with others. Similarly, gains from cognitive and behavioral therapies and interpersonal therapies often involve changes in how we relate to ourselves and others.
Specialized psychotherapy can treat mental health conditions—but even then, recovery often involves reconnection with others.
Within the last decade, I have celebrated as psychotherapy has played a more central role in our lives. We are talking more openly about mental health than ever before, and we are reaching out for help when needed while rejecting shame.
Still, people are also reporting a greater sense of isolation and loneliness leading psychologists and public health experts to raise concerns regarding a loneliness epidemic (Hong et al., 2024). Unfortunately, rates of suicide are also at an all-time high (Centers for Disease Control, 2024).
I have wondered about how we can fight this as a society and how therapists may also help to strengthen the community.
Seeking Support vs. Trauma Dumping
In recent years, the term "trauma dumping" has become increasingly popular. With it, we are acknowledging that it can be problematic not to seek professional help when needed, or to ask friends to play the role of a therapist.
Still, I think it is important that we not confuse trauma dumping with seeking support. We should not encourage anyone to reserve talk of tough things for just therapy. Showing up for each other is an important part of friendships. People need people, and building some sense of community is vital to thriving.
3 Ways to Show Up for Each Other Without Trauma-Dumping
1. Ask first when seeking support.
If you need to talk to someone about something heavy, it is important to ensure they are in a space to show up for you. Asking questions such as, "Do you have space to talk to me about something heavy right now?" gives your friend an option to share if they are able to show up for you as you need. If they aren't up to talking, you can seek support from another source.
2. Express concern when necessary, but stick around.
If you are concerned about your friend's mental health and feel they need to seek out a professional, let them know. You may even help them reach out to someone. It's OK to set limits regarding what you feel comfortable talking to them about.
Still, when your friend shows up with challenges, try not to leave them hanging. A support system beyond therapy is just as vital as having one within psychotherapy. They are still your friend.
3. Vocalize your boundaries.
Boundaries are most likely to be crossed when they are not shared. If you are finding that you are not up to talking at certain times (such as late at night) or about certain topics, let your friend know directly. They may not be aware of where your limits are, and this can be a friendship-preserving act.
In Closing
Our communities are struggling through a phase of transition, and this has been taxing on mental health. Seeking therapy is courageous and often productive in moving toward growth. Still, you don't have to be a therapist to show up for someone. Practicing setting clear boundaries while providing support and encouraging each other may help our communities flourish.
To find help near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
Center for Disease Control and Prevention (2024). Suicide Data and Statistics. Suicide Data and Statistics | Suicide Prevention | CDC
Hong, J. H., Nakamura, J. S., Sahakari, S. S., Chopik, W. J., Shiba, K., VanderWeele, T. J., & Kim, E. S. (2024). The silent epidemic of loneliness: Identifying the antecedents of loneliness using a lagged exposure-wide approach. Psychological Medicine, 1-14.
Joiner, T. (2005). Why people die by suicide. Harvard University Press.
Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4), 370–396. https:// https://doi.org/10.1037/h0054346 ;
