4 Keys to Setting Effective Boundaries

"What are boundaries?" I threw my head back asking my partner as I typed the word into an online dictionary. I talk with people about boundaries every day, I've worked in mental health for 11 years, 8 as a therapist. Yet, I was genuinely looking for some fresh thoughts on this.

A boundary is a border. Everything has one. States and countries have boundaries. A space exists that separates my hands from this keyboard.

We know what it looks like when boundaries fall apart in a relationship: That individual nature is lost. We might feel like our rights have been ignored or trampled over.

Few would argue that boundaries are not important. It has become a buzzword in relationship and self-help circles. Yet the truth is that the word means a million things to a million different people, making the effective setting of boundaries essential. Some boundaries are set for us, like laws. Yet most need to be individually determined and communicated effectively.

Following are four steps to this.

1. Consider the Boundaries You Have. You might think this goes without saying, but it's all too easy to disregard our boundaries until they have been crossed. Take a moment and reflect on what matters to you. You might outline boundaries in different areas of your life with a direct line between each one and your values. For example, I value truth and as such, a boundary I have is that I am not comfortable being asked to lie. That's a boundary in communication.

2. Determine the Strength of Your Boundaries. Each boundary has a certain level of strength. The lightest of these are what we might call preferences. I might prefer that someone not grab a soda from my fridge, but it's not a huge deal if they do. The strongest of our boundaries are non-negotiable. My boundary against physical violence, for example, is non-negotiable. Most boundaries fall in the middle: They are somewhat flexible. I'm not one to stay out past 11 pm, but I will for a wedding or a trip to the ER.

3. Make Your Boundaries Known. In most cases, it can't be expected that someone will respect boundaries that haven't been communicated to them. The most basic of boundaries—laws—are written in spaces that are accessible to others. Of course, most of our boundaries do not involve the law. Still, our preferences, needs, histories, and joys vary widely. One person might have a boundary of not answering calls or texting while out with friends, while another might need to be accessible to their kids by phone. Making boundaries known ahead of time gives us a better chance of being heard.

4. If a Boundary Is Broken, Communicate This as Soon as Possible. Sometimes in the service of avoiding conflict or being 'nice,' we hesitate to share that something has crossed us. Still, it's vital to do this. If we don't, a precedent is set and it's likely to happen again. Letting someone know when they have gone against a boundary we have, then, is a compassionate and friendship-preserving act.

Conclusion

Boundaries has become a buzzword, yet what the term means in real life varies widely from person to person. Taking time to reflect on your own boundaries and to communicate them is worthwhile. In fact, it is a compassionate and relationship-preserving practice.