Does Risk of Losing a Partner Increase Romantic Attraction?

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Acknowledged in many ways, from song lyrics to life lessons, we often don't realize what we have until it is gone. Looking back, many people wish they had cherished the time they spent with an ex-partner, whom they took for granted at the time. Taking a partner for granted can change the way we interact, impact the amount of effort invested in relational maintenance behaviors, or lessen the desire to cherish time spent together.

In today's busy world, many partners find themselves burnt out with so many other responsibilities, both personal and professional, that they sometimes neglect their partners in the interest of saving time. Unfortunately, that time lost may translate into reduced relational stability, which over time could lead to relational dissolution. Why don't couples realize this risk at the time? Perhaps because research suggests that when the perceived risk of a breakup is low, romantic feelings may be lower as well.

At the other end of the spectrum, rocky relationships may also dampen romantic feelings. Perhaps it is difficult to fully invest in a relationship that does not seem to have a good chance of long-term success.

What happens, however, when within an established relationship, one partner is faced with the presence of a romantic rival, a perception of disinterest from their paramour, or another type of relational threat? In such cases, some partners who were previously content with what was perceived as a stable relationship, when faced with relationship-threatening events or risk factors, report intensified attraction to their partner. Why does this happen?

Romantic Feelings and Risk of Breakup

Simona Sciara and Giuseppe Pantaleo (2018) demonstrated that manipulating the risk of ending a romantic relationship impacted both the intensity of romantic affect as well as commitment.¹ They explain their results within the context of emotional intensity theory (EIT), noting how romantic feelings varied as the risk of relationship breakup was manipulated. Their data also showed that the results of manipulated risk on romantic commitment were mediated by romantic affect.

They begin by recognizing objective risk factors that adversely impact relationship success. They give the examples of living together before engagement, early marriages stemming from a teenage romance, as well as factors such as the number of children, education, years of marriage, and genetic components.

They also note that prior research, attempting to link the perception of relational risk and lower relational stability, has demonstrated that romantic partners who fear rejection or betrayal tend to perceive lower relational quality and are less attracted to their partners.

Sciara and Pantaleo observe that prior research demonstrated paradoxical results regarding the types of situations that enhance relational attraction and commitment. On the one hand, they describe research finding that factors that can damage a long-term relationship include a lack of social support, social disapproval generally, and interference by parents. They also note, however, that other studies show that these types of interfering forces, in moderation, were associated with relational benefits in terms of enhanced romantic feelings. These include moderate amounts of social disapproval, parental interference, and family opposition or lack of support.

Their main focus, however, was on studying the impact which the perceived risk of ending a romantic relationship had on romantic intensity and relational commitment.

Romantic Relational Risk

Sciara and Pantaleo recognize their research as one of only a few studies that are focused on perceived risk factors in romantic relationships. Specifically, they found the intensity of romantic affect to be strong under two conditions: when breakup risk was not mentioned or was moderate. They found intensity to be significantly reduced when breakup risk was low or high. They found that the intensity of romantic commitment varied according to the same pattern.

In discussing their study's manipulating the risk of a breakup, they note, “Any potentially stressful event, any negative partner's characteristic, or any actual risk factor can act as a deterrent to the extent that it is perceived as 'risky' for the fate of the relationship.”

Relational Investment: How to Avoid Losing That Loving Feeling

These findings suggest that taking a relationship for granted, where it results in viewing the risk of a breakup as low, might lessen the intensity of romantic feelings one has for a partner. Ironically the same result may stem from partners perceiving their relationship to be “on the rocks.”

What's the best practice here? Nurturing a relationship at all times under all circumstances, even when things are going well, can contribute to relational health at all stages of romantic involvement, which in turn can increase romantic feelings and relational commitment. In many cases, such intentional investment can help avoid relational turbulence and ensure smooth sailing.