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Body Image
Unhung Heroes: Overcoming Small-Penis Shame
Shaming a man's genital size reinforces the patriarchy and toxic masculinity.
Posted January 16, 2024 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- Men who they think are too small often are so ashamed that they don't use urinals or shower at gyms.
- Penis size has little to do with whether a man is more masculine or less.
- Accepting who you are, as you are, is an important part of finding joy in life.
I recently ran across a post on X (formerly Twitter) about a 42-year-old guy down in Leeds, Alabama, who went into the Bass Pro Shop there, stripped naked, and cannonballed into the store’s huge aquarium. Several shoppers posted video of the fellow and, granted, it was a bizarre and memorable act by someone who likely is bipolar, but what struck me the most about it was the many rude comments viewers made about the small size of the man’s penis.
It got me thinking about how ubiquitous the idea that the size of a man’s penis indicates the extent of his masculinity, and how false this is. It’s at least as hurtful and mean as when women are body-shamed for being too fat, too skinny, too whatever. It’s man-shaming and just restates and reinforces the whole patriarchal, toxic masculinity problem in our society: Masculinity is seen as strong, dominant, and powerful, and, thus, is entitled. Femininity is seen as weak, submissive, and even incompetent, and deserves to be dominated by the masculine.
So, if someone isn’t seen as being masculine—gays, transgender persons, bisexuals, someone who may be shy or even likes to dance and so doesn’t fit the image of the patriarchal male—they become othered, looked down upon, and objects of ridicule, the brunt of jokes. They are judged less worthy of respect, less consequential as men. This is the power and harm of patriarchy.
Consider the terms that have recently become so popular that now they’re in the Urban Dictionary—big-dick energy (BDE) and small-dick energy (SDE). BDE can be defined as displaying qualities of leadership and confidence without cockiness, an alpha male. SDE, on the other hand, exemplifies someone who overcompensates for deep-seated insecurity by acting rude, bigoted, or that they are better than others, projecting a sense of confidence that rings hollow. These traits likely have nothing to do with penis size, but you can see how the idea is so unconsciously engrained in our culture. You could even say we’re obsessed with penis size as a marker of manhood and strength.
This is especially true in some parts of the gay community where penis size is talked about relentlessly and judgmentally as if it were a measure of the whole man. The bigger the penis, the more masculine, and thus more desirable you are thought to be.
Kink and fetish erotic orientations
I strongly suspect that such an attitude has helped create the small penis humiliation (SPH) fetish in which a man gets turned on by being judged or ridiculed over the size of his penis, especially by a woman who cuckolds him by having sex with someone with a larger penis while forcing her man to watch. And what about the men with small penises who take refuge in being infantilized by their sexual partners?
Men who they think are too small often are so ashamed that they won’t use urinals, won’t go to nudist camps, won’t take showers with other men present, or won’t go into hot tubs with others. All this comparison and judgment can have little basis in reality. Realistically, it’s mostly in the mind.
Eye of the beholder
Back in the 1960s, Alfred Kinsey and his researchers at the Kinsey Institute had the courage to examine and report on the various taboo aspects of sexuality in America. One of their projects was to determine the average size of men’s penises. They found that 80 percent of fully erect penises measured between 5 and 7 inches long, with most of those falling in the 6- to 6½-inch range. If you’re looking at ads on gay websites or videos on gay porn sites, you might be surprised to learn that less than 1 percent of penises exceed these limits. Why? Well, for one thing, it’s because everyone exaggerates.
Why is it that when we are comparing ourselves to other men, we tend to see our own penis as being too small when in fact we are the same size as most other men? Why do men so often fall prey to ads that “guarantee” a bigger penis in X number of weeks? Or to feel inadequate in intimate situations, whether with men or with women? When in a shower with other men, do we consider that some men are growers and others are showers? In other words, while some flaccid penises may seem large, maybe that’s as big as they get when erect. On the other hand, a penis that looks like a stunted mushroom when flaccid may grow into a mighty tree when erect. Surely the fellow who jumped into the cold aquarium tank in Alabama experienced major penile shrinkage, and yet the ruthless commenters on X didn’t give him any slack.
More recently, the new generation typically no longer fully undresses in locker rooms, so younger men never see the sizes of other men because it is all hidden. Also, there is a lack of sex education in Western culture, so men of today are comparing themselves to what they see in Hollywood movies, porn, and what other people say about penis size.
I remember in 2005 reading an article about Robert Woodworth, the gay director of institutional services at New York’s Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Community Center. Woodworth led a series of discussions and a support group for gay men who felt that their penises were too small. I thought “Bravo!” To me, these men were “unhung heroes” for being willing to disclose their genital size and come out of their fly, as well as the closet. Truthfully, I know of gay men who prefer someone with a small penis. When it comes to sexual preferences, there is no end to variety.
Getting over it
Today, there are Facebook groups for these men and a place to talk and feel good about themselves.
The truth is, penis size has little to do with whether a man is more masculine or less. Nor does being more masculine have to do with what kind of sexual or life partner he can be. Being a passionate and competent lover doesn’t require owning a large penis or having other outward qualities such as height, wealth, stoicism, athletic prowess, etc. It has more to do with one’s inner qualities, sense of confidence, integrity, humor, responsibility, talents, eloquence, and caring nature, especially if one is seeking anything more than a quick hookup.
For men who struggle with this social construct of penis size being a marker of worthiness, I might suggest going to a nudist beach or camp and practice being naked in front of others, learning to be comfortable in their bodies. Hiding oneself is not an answer. Accepting who you are, as you are, is an important part of feeling alive and finding joy in life. Of course, I believe that therapy is a powerful means to achieve such self-acceptance and confidence. Working on our outer self, our appearance, etc., can only go so far (and, in fact, can be dangerous, as in penis surgery and taking steroids), but inner work has infinitely more potential to bring us what we hope for in life.
