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Understanding Twins
Strategies to Reduce Fighting and Anguish in Twins
Why do twins want to wear each other’s clothes?
Updated February 6, 2024 Reviewed by Pam Dailey
Key points
- Twins face challenges establishing their own identity.
- Differences in perceived physical attractiveness and clothing choices can be sources of conflict for twins.
- Parents (and others) should avoid making comparisons between the twins or commenting on their appearance.
Fighting Over Clothes Is Very Common for Twins
I know from my own twin experiences sharing clothes with my sister that having and wearing different clothes was a big, big deal. Growing up, there was anguish when she and I did not have and wear exactly the same outfits. We dressed alike until we went to middle school, which kept the clothing identity problem in control because there was no need to fight about who looked best. Once, my mother had to buy us Mary Jane party shoes to go to a Bar Mitzvah. The shoes were ever so slightly different because the buckles were not the same. Mother carefully talked us through the issue of who got the best pair and how their being different would not be noticed. We were 9 years old at the time, but I can still remember the whole event as if it happened this afternoon. (My sister and I eventually overcame this problem of wearing clothes that were not exactly the same.)
What was worse was when clothes fit differently on us, and we looked different. Who was fatter and looked chubby, and who was exactly the right size? And it was always better to not be seen as the fat twin. I know because I was always the fatter twin by a few pounds. And I wish I could say we got over this problem. But oh no! Whenever my sister saw me in later life she had to look painfully thin, which made her feel better about herself and better than me. And her need to be so thin made me feel that she was ill and that I should try to help her. I have spoken with many adult twins who have the same concerns when their twin looks as if they are starving themselves. Eating disorders are common for both male and female twins.
The Myth of the Thin Twin
“The thin twin is the better twin” is a disturbing story that I hear about time after time when adult twins discuss personal issues with me. In young twins, the question of who is thinner often results in a fight over who gets the best outfit to wear, which is always a subjective twin decision, as there is no reliable authority figure to decide what is the best outfit. But anyone watching twins fight over who has the right to wear the best shirt or jeans knows how serious the wearing of what is perceived as best can be and the hellacious fights that can be provoked.
In the worst of times, competition over which twin looks best can lead family members to pull their hair out or at least take a really long walk. I am not exaggerating this identity problem. To be fair, other people outside of the twinship—family and friends—will contribute their opinions, which makes the fighting and shame worse. My advice when you see twins together: Do not make comparisons.
I used to think that only female twins, both identical and fraternal, suffered from the side effects of not having the best clothes, but I was wrong. Twin brothers also want their own style and will take their twin’s clothes if they think they can get away with it. Parents who can afford to buy doubles of everything might use the duplicate-clothes strategy. In my experience, duplicates do not solve the problem but actually make closets more over-stuffed. The best long-term option is to support the idea that an individual’s clothes do not represent their identity. Well-dressed is just well-dressed.
What Is the Real Issue With Fighting Over Clothes?
The real issue is that twins often attempt to clarify their own identity confusion by using clothing because they have been stared at and identified as the “twin in the red dress” (or the black dress, etc.). Maybe some twins, but not all, come to believe that their identity is fixed by what they are wearing. When too much attention is paid to how twins appear in public and not enough communication is valued, the twin competition over who is more attractive will not be resolved. And this painful nonsense will become a lifelong problem, as twin comparison between the pair and from outsiders never stops. For example, there is a big fancy birthday party to attend. Both twins are invited. Twin A is more affluent than Twin B and has outfitted herself in a fancy designer get-up. Twin B is practical because her funds are limited when it comes to clothing and feels comfortable dressing more simply. Most guests notice and talk about how different they look and how different they are because of what they are wearing. There are very few questions from hosts or guests about how the twins being compared feel that they are different from one another or how alike they are. Looks (appearance) becomes too important to outsiders, and twins can react aggressively to comments.
Can the Clothing Competition Be Solved?
The “who is most attractive” problem and the ensuing competition are very hard to break up and resolve. Parents and twins get tangled up in this non-winnable contest. While not all twins have horrendous problems looking different in public, others can become terrorized by looking different or alike. Often this problem is acted out dramatically at weddings because one twin decides to not go. Fear of comparisons is so difficult that not attending one's twin’s wedding is a better solution than going to the event looking different and being compared. I know that this idea or experience may be hard to believe, but it is really true. I have consulted with many twins who choose to miss their sister’s or brother’s wedding. I wore my sister’s wedding dress when I got married because she was out of the country. I did not want or need my own dress, which is really, really sad and telling. And it was a way of looking the same, even if my twin sister M. was not at my wedding.
Conclusions
Unfortunately, twins are compared to one another by family and friends and even casual onlookers. Clothing or how they look alike or different is just one aspect of their twin identity problem, which should be talked about and taken seriously by parents and the twins. Talking about comparisons is extremely helpful and healing to twins. Ignoring or avoiding the attention given to this part of their identity can cause long-term problems for family and friends who are close to the twins. Comparison problems will not disappear. A twin who can accept a comparative comment will have a more peaceful life.
Solutions: What Can Be Done Objectively to Reduce Twins' Fighting About Clothing
1. Parents should seriously limit dressing their infant and toddler twins alike.
2. Parents should talk to their twins about how being and looking different is important to their individuality.
3. Twins might need to talk about clothing issues in therapy.
4. Twins should talk to each other about how comparisons about their physical appearance are hurtful, and they should give each other advice and compassion when it happens.
5. Outsiders or onlookers should keep their comparisons to themselves when they encounter twins. It is not easy to ignore the excitement that seeing twins can provoke, but give it a try.
