Twins' Goals for the New Year

Admit it or not, most twins would like to get along as they did as small children, especially on their birthday and the holidays. For twins who get along, the attention of feeling special and understood is profound and seriously important to their twin identity. Unfortunately, life struggles such as illness, marriage, and children can get in between twins and create distance, jealousy, and mistrust. For twins, avoiding these difficult angry feelings is very hard to do. Here are some thoughts that twins have shared with me about the desire to connect in a peaceful manner.

“I really want to get along with my twin but we just fight and make up. And the roller coaster ride starts all over again.” —Margo, age 53

“I wish I could tell my twin what he does that makes me so upset but he can't seem to listen to my problems.” —Josh, age 45

“I hate when people ask me how my brother is and don't ask how I am doing. I feel invisible.” —George, age 35

“My twin and our new baby get more attention from my Mom than I do.” —Martha, age 6

“Everybody, friends, family, teachers think that my sister is smarter than I am.” —Emily, age 14

I have heard in my consultations with twins that the above thoughts and feelings are common for twins. These hard-to-understand and unfortunate beliefs and feelings cause unhappiness, conflict, and stress. Twin misunderstandings are definitely hurtful and counterproductive. But getting out in the open about what is bothering twins can be extremely difficult for the many reasons that I list below.

1. Twins talk to each other so much that they sometimes have a hard time talking to non-twins and explaining themselves in detail so that they can be understood. On some level, twins believe that everyone can understand them like their twin.
2. Talking badly about your twin can create a great deal of shame and anxiety for twins because twins are supposed to have an ideal relationship. So twins will keep trying to grin and bear their unhappiness or blame themselves for not being able to cope with being a twin.
3. Admitting that you don't get along can be dangerous in certain situations. For example, in strict families, being negative or fighting with your twin leads to serious punishments.
4. Other people who are not twins seem to have no clue about how hard it is to be a twin, which is often very frustrating.
5. Parents and relatives are embarrassed that twins do not get along and insist that they do get along in front of family. This creates undo pressure on twins, which makes fear and dislike of each other more intense.

Will My Twin and I Ever Be Able to Get Along? Is This a Realistic Goal?

This is a very hard question to answer because it includes so many different important parts of the relationship to consider. “What is the problem between you and your twin?” is so critical to understand and try to agree upon. A simple but general explanation is based on the difficulty twins have being different from each other. They try directly and indirectly to be the right twin or the dominant twin. Tickets to ride this rollercoaster are free and always waiting for twins. Leaving the amusement park is a very different story.

Oftentimes there are more serious problems that create disharmony. For example, my sister was referred to as the good sister and I was known as the bad sister for reasons unknown to both of us. This favoritism did not help either of us. Eventually we understood this blatant division and talked about it, so some of our closeness was restored. Still, my sister's alliance with my father and brother lived on. The split in our identities in the family had a long-standing influence that others outside of the family could not understand. As hard as we tried we could not forgive each other.

Some Strategies That Promote Positive Experiences Between Twins

In general, if you have problems getting along, spend a short time with your twin. Too much time leads to going over past grievances. Lack of time and space creates the possibility that there is some hope or chance you can get along. Bringing a friend or relative to diffuse your interaction with your brother or sister will help. Talking with your twin about what triggers to avoid is also important and can help rekindle a positive relationship.

Specific plans always help diffuse what could go wrong when you see your twin next year. Having realistic goals and expectations is always important. Accepting that it is hard to get along and that reconciliation is a slow process is helpful (I have written about this extensively). It is possible to get along if you can make a commitment to understanding what behavior and attitudes cause unhappiness between you and your sister or brother. Try to develop ways to avoid hurting one another. And do not get over-the-top with the hope of getting along with your twin for the rest of your life, as this is a destructive strategy that I have never seen work out. Work slowly and carefully at making progress toward sharing some time together, which you can build upon. Remember that small actions can have a positive effect, so try to figure out what will help you connect with your sister or brother.

Recommendations

1. Keep the conversation short.
2. Be realistic.
3. Do not give advice.