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Understanding Twins
Rekindling Your Twin Relationship After Estrangement Subsides
Here's what can help twins to reconnect.
Posted January 13, 2024 Reviewed by Ray Parker
So often, I am asked by twins who read my research and thoughts on twin estrangement,
“Will my twin and I ever be able to get along? We haven't spoken for four months, and I miss talking to her. My girlfriend, who is a twin, has not spoken to her own sister in a year. I don’t want to prolong our anger at each other. But I am afraid we will have another huge mean-spirited and humiliating fight. I don’t know what to do. Is our relationship more common than I was led to believe? Most people who ask us questions think that all twins get along. We tell people who ask that we do not have a close relationship, and most people look at us as if we are weird.”
Cultural/Social Beliefs About Twin Closeness Creates Difficulty Developing a Twin Identity
In my personal and consulting experiences, I have heard and observed that a twin can be a special soulmate who can read your thoughts and feelings and support your dreams. But there is another side to this myth that I support and endorse. Being a twin is really emotionally challenging.
In other words, getting along with your twin sister or brother after serious arguments is no easy feat. Authentic closeness requires a lot of work. Competition and comparisons between twins are far too common and seriously trigger fighting and unhappiness, which can lead to estrangement. Learning to talk about ways that twins can communicate and work through fighting is the first option to ending resentment and trying to establish a peaceful relationship.
Still, there is no one answer to why getting along with your twin, which includes sharing, is such a huge problem because every set of twins has a unique relationship that is hard to disentangle. Words, thoughts, and feelings are exchanged rapidly and create anger and confusion. Which twin responds correctly to the problem or issue being discussed and debated? Why is the right answer so important? Why do twins have to have exactly the same gifts, toys, and attention when they are young and growing up?
These questions are hard to resolve. Maybe the twin who gets the best toy or the most attention feels like he or she is the favored twin. Possibly, it is just "normal" competition between twins that drives parents, grandparents, relatives, and friends a little crazy. I wish I knew exactly how to reply to these common issues.
However, some attitudes seem to reduce the intensity of wanting what your twin has. The following suggestions seem to help the twins I consult with get along better.
Embrace the Reality That You Are Different People
While this idea seems incredibly simple-minded it is truly a steep learning curve for twins to accept and enjoy being different. Based on the years twins spend with each other, being the same is more comfortable. Over-identification—thinking you and your twin are the same person (or half of a whole person)—in certain situations is quite common.
Seeing one another as copies of each other is related to the closeness twins share as they grow and develop into individuals. For example, wanting and thinking that you deserve to be friends with your twin's best friend is a form of over-identification. Or thinking that you will be good in math because your sister is good in math is another common form of over-identification.
Of course, what helps is being separated and developing your own interests. What also might help is trying to get along and being less insistent or bossy about what you need that your twin has acquired. Or better yet, take an even-handed approach where you give your sister or brother the benefit of the doubt by respecting their choices and decisions.
Respect for one another allows a sense of separateness to grow. To be respectful of your twin, you must accept that you are different people with different ideas and dreams. You might look the same, but you are not the same.
Avoid Criticism and Evaluation
Judgment is as common for twins as competition and comparison. Your twin is too critical of you and your family. Your twin has bought the wrong car, house, or vacation. I could go on, but you probably get my point. Avoiding judgment and being positive with proactive suggestions will lead to compassion and closeness with your sister or brother.
I am not suggesting keeping your opinion to yourself all of the time. But certainly, some discretion about what you evaluate is important and necessary. Saying "I told you so" does not work and should be avoided.
Sharing Should Be Limited Because It Limits Individual Development
While it is normal for twins to want what their twin has, be it toys, clothes, friends, or attention, the desperation to have what your twin has is a sign of a lack of identity in each twin in the pair. Obviously, it takes time to know what you want.
On the other hand, twins have to start to develop their interests. Sharing clothes, toys, and friends is easier for parents, but too much sharing is a way to limit choices for twins. As a parent, trying hard to understand how your twins are different and endorsing their differences is extremely important.
Often, twins will be jealous of what the other twin has. Parents must make and teach these rules for sharing and "what belongs to which twin" to reduce jealousy. Talking about the importance of differences will diffuse jealousy. From my own experience, I know this works.
My sister Margorie and I had very different tastes in travel and adventure. She wanted to go to Europe, and I was not so interested in the experience of travel. She judged me as a fraidy cat. But I was not that interested in seeing the world as she was.
Having Realistic Expectations Helps Arguing Twins Get Along
First, forget trying to recreate your special and friendly childhood relationship. You are developing an adult relationship. You are both individuals with separate needs and abilities. The harmony of childhood is possible in some situations but not in general.
For example, your brother acts outrageously at a party when you are 9, and you forgive him because it is normal and cute when he shows off. But if your brother shows off at your wedding or a special dinner party, you will not forgive him. Hopefully, you will figure out why he is showing off.
Can you think of situations where you were disappointed in your twin's behavior? Do you think it is possible to get along as an adult, similar to when you were young?
The companionship between twins changes because new people enter your life who need attention instead of your twin. Another problem for adult twins is anger over past fighting. For many twins, it is difficult to forgive their twin no matter how much the art of discussion is valued and used.
Also, it is hard to determine "who" your twin is as an adult. There is no "one answer" to making up with your twin. Some twins can, and other twins will never forgive their twin.
Suggestions to Start a Conversation With Your Unhappy Twin
1. Be serious. Your conversation will go on for a long time and over many days.
2. Be patient and a good listener.
3. Avoid bringing up stories that will trigger old memories or conflicts.
4. Make sure that you have a time frame planned for each conversation.
5. Respect your brother's or sister's point of view and remember and respect how you are different from each other.
