Verified by 
Understanding Twins
Helping Twins Develop Individual Identities and Friendships
The parents’ most serious and crucial responsibility
Posted January 24, 2024 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Twins often find it difficult to develop identities and friendships separate from one another.
- Sharing friends is a difficult issue that can persist well into adulthood.
- Parents can help twins establish healthy boundaries starting at a young age with some of these tips.
Sharing Is Difficult for Twins and Has a Steep Learning Curve
Parents and other significant caregivers have a complicated and long-lasting responsibility to contend with as they get to know and understand their twin children. Really knowing “who is who” within your twin pair, both physically and personality-wise, is no easy feat. Truly, parents’ ability to see their twins as individuals who are unique in personality, behavior, and intellectual abilities is critical to the development of their singular identities. Also, the look-alike factor, coupled with their natural inclination to rely on one another, is a large part of what makes developing individual identity a monumental task. Add in the common cultural belief that twins “can and should agree” makes the situation even more complicated.
In other words, for twins, making a decision about which parent will read them a story, who will get to play on the computer first, or who is the primary person to a new friend is very difficult because most people believe that twins can and will agree on most things. And, in my experience, twins, more often than not, do not agree and will fight to the end of time to win whatever idea, acquisition, or friend is at stake or “up for grabs.”
For example, twins will play together nonstop as toddlers, and fights will break out that can be very over-the-top, loud, and chaotic. But who started the fight and what it is about is really hard to figure out. One twin wants a new computer game or a new outfit that the other twin has.
Why is having what the other twin has so important? If I had the answer to this question, I could help many frustrated parents.
I can still remember wanting what my twin had, no matter what, as a younger person. As I got older, some of her friends, acquisitions, and ideas were less important to me, which was definitely hard for her. In reality, my twin wanted me to want what she wanted because it made what she had very important.
When I talk in person with young twins about separation issues and identity development, I always bring doubles of everything, such as toys and cookies, to avoid extra fighting. I really don’t have the exact answer to why twins want what their twin has. Most likely, twins want to be the same, and so they need to have the same things. Or they have similar likes and dislikes, which they want to be respected. Or getting different toys or clothes might signal favoritism on the part of the particular provider, be it Mom, Dad, Grandma, or older sister, to name a few.
Drawing boundaries for what belongs to which twin is often a thankless task that seems to go on and on. Recently, I have been working with pairs of teenage twins who cannot keep their opinions about their twin’s girlfriend to themselves. Twin A thinks that his assessment of his brother’s choice is correct—his advice about his twin’s girlfriend is to “forget her.” Also, he thinks that his advice should be followed dogmatically.
However, twin B does not want to follow twin A’s advice. Without a doubt, both twins will not agree, and discussions and fights may become rampant and create unhappiness. Often, problems completing school work and acting civilized at home are side effects of twins’ arguments (and decisions or choices).
Who Is Going to Make the Decision About a New Friend?
The problem between twins as to who is going to make decisions about a possible new friend relationship is a conscious and unconscious identity issue related to who is/was the primary person to connect with a friend. Parents and other support people who try to deal with this new friend issue will have a steep learning curve as they try to understand what is going on. Early in life, teaching twins boundaries and keeping possessions separate may help to keep this problem of what belongs to which twin under control. Logical decisions may be made with the help of adults.
Conclusions
Acquisitions and arguments over food, clothes, toys, and electronics are much easier issues to work through with twins. The idea of the final choice in friendships may sound like a ridiculous question. But this question is a real concern for twins. If your brother or sister does not like your new friend, there will be arguments.
And sharing friends is a huge problem that seems to persist into adulthood and the senior years. I think that the only way to handle this competition or sharing of friends problem is for parents and significant others to see it as a serious identity issue. Twins can try very hard to respect who their twin likes, but it is often very hard to do because of jealousy and over-identification between the pair.
Practical Advice
1. Talk with your twin children about how they are similar and how they are different. Emphasize how important it is for each of them to respect each other’s differences.
2. Ask your twin children why they have to have what their twin has. Try to use their answers when settling a fight. For example, you might say: “You told me that it makes you angry that your brother gets to sit in the front seat all of the time because he is smaller than you. I will make sure that you both get the same amount of time in the front seat.”
3. Talk about how twins do not always want what the other twin wants. Use this idea if it is clear that there is a strong difference of opinion. Twins have different interests and different levels of interest. One twin may like Harry Potter books, and the other is disinterested. Everyone should accept that twins see the world differently.
4. Favoritism is something that makes twins jealous and competitive. Explain to your children that you try to give each child what they need.
