Managing Year-end Stress for Gifted Kids and Their Families

Who Is the Normal One at This Party?

Gifted children and their parents may feel awkward about the holiday season because very bright children often have unique and sophisticated interests that other children and their families cannot relate to or understand. Unfortunately and almost immediately, gifted children, because of their interests, are labelled “not normal”—abnormal or weird—and parents are accused of not knowing how to parent because their child or children are too sensitive and perhaps too particular. For example, at a party or gathering with new children, loud noises or strange foods that they have not tried before are frightening or repulsive. Unsolicited advice is given to parents in order to help gifted kids be “more normal” or more like the other children at school or in the neighborhood. This simple-minded approach is never helpful. Usually such spontaneous advice just causes shame and humiliation for the parent and child.

Friendly advice or just plain bossiness is off-putting. Suggestions on how to raise a smart child are humiliating and demoralizing for parents trying their best to keep their child intellectually engaged, curious, happy and calm. How to react to advice-givers, which might include grandparents or other relatives and friends, is a serious and important skill. My advice is to not over-react or overthink unsolicited advice—and to ask an expert when you need help.

Telling “know-it-alls” that they don’t understand your child’s behavior because their children are not gifted is not a good strategy, to say the least. It is a form of fighting or defensiveness that makes matters worse. In addition, being rude and acting out your anger will confuse your child, who most likely knows that they are getting negative evaluations from strange adults. Do your best to protect your child from rude remarks. If you feel compelled to talk to an advice-giving parent, give them a phone call after the party is over. Most importantly, try to listen to the advice that is given with an open and non-judgmental ear. Support your own decisions on how you want to raise your son or daughter.

“Enough Is Enough”

These are famous last words, that your spouse may share or scream at you when your holiday party gets out of control because there is too much food, people, gossip, or gifts. Plainly stated, too much commotion can create anxiety and competition that can grow into anger. Inappropriate overly personal questions can contribute to bad feelings among guests: “Who got the best presents?" "Who brought the most delicious food?" "Who is the best dressed?" "Who has the best-behaved children?" "Who went on the best trip this year?”

Compare-and-contrast issues are sure to create anxiety and regression for all involved in the sport of “Who is the best?” By the way, the winner will very likely soon become a loser in this competition, which in the end is meaningless and often destructive.

Taking seriously the enough is enough wisdom is a way to manage the stress of the holidays. You might suggest that your guests do not overdo the gifting and the fancy food that they bring for their children and other guests. Ask partygoers to avoid senseless questions that escalate competition. Make it a rule to ask curiosity seekers not to do the “compare and contrast” game that gifted onlookers enjoy playing at your child’s expense. For example, Auntie Edna might ask you: If your child is so smart, why can’t they read yet? Her remark shows her lack of knowledge about gifted children.

Avoid Talking About How Other Children Are Similar or Different from Your Own

I think that most people really look forward to end-of-the-year holidays. When expectations for parties, special food, presents, and a need for harmony are not overly grandiose or overly ambitious, a warm and caring holiday that is meaningful for all guests is possible. Try to appreciate what you have and what you have accomplished and lived through this year.

Conclusions

My objective advice follows:

1. Develop a positive attitude toward party-going over the holidays.
2. Put negative thinking about people, presents, and food at home in your trash can.
3. Memorize positive thoughts that you can share with others. For example, “I am so happy to get to spend time with you and your wonderful family.”
4. Hold off on retelling stories about things that did not work out last year and created resentment. For example, do not say, “I hope that your sister does not burn the chicken fingers and hot dog rolls again this year.” (She most assuredly does not want to make this mistake again.)
5. Welcome warmly all of your guests and try to introduce them to people with similar interests.
6. Do not suggest that your child is the smartest one at the party. It is an impossible belief to prove and will surely create defensiveness and hostility among the people you are meeting with. And you will be perceived as a braggart, naturally.
7. Try to make plans to meet up with parents you like. This strategy will help your child to have the opportunity to meet other new friends.
8. Plan activities that encourage children and adult guests to get along with each other.