The Trials and Tribulations of Teenage Twins

Teenagers and their parents will often experience the years of adolescence as turbulent and conflicted. Specifically, the teenage years for twins are more stressful than for non-twins. Twins face separation anxiety from their co-twin and their parents at the same time. Separation anxiety creates more conflict and more incentive to be different and unique from their twin. In other words, adolescence is a time when twins are intent on being their own person, which is extremely important for their long-range mental health.

Identity development issues for twins, no matter how difficult to contend with for everyone who is close, need to be worked through and respected as essential. Trying to ignore the turmoil of separation that twins face as teenagers will create more arguments. Twins (or other multiple births such as triplets) are beginning to reveal more openly their own unique sense of themselves in relation to their twin and their parents. No longer is the urge to be a copy of one another absolutely important. Thankfully, because unique identity is normal, natural, and essential to mental health, twins begin their journey of being different than their twin.

It is normal and expected that cognitive, hormonal, and social-emotional behaviors become unstable in the teenage years. This slow-moving identity transition is confusing for everyone involved. Hypersensitivity to everything that is going on around the twins may be coupled with extreme moodiness and fighting that is often not understandable to outsiders. Twins themselves often need help to understand what they are fighting about. There are some common underlying issues of most teenage fights, which tend to revolve around who is the best or the most deserving.

Searching tirelessly for how to create their own identity, teenage twins cycle through anger, fighting, disharmony, and tears based on disagreements about friends and interests. (They are happy at times too, of course.) It is critical that friendships and interests continue to be separate. Often, teenage twins become jealous and mean-spirited, which is not seen as prominently in elementary school-age twin children. Or twins can become overly attached to one another and unfortunately continue to share their lives and not seek out separate friends and interests. When twins want to share everything and do everything alike they are usually overly dependent on one another and have problems socializing. Parents can be confused, and rightly so, by twin closeness and over-involvement in each other’s lives in the midst of twins’ ongoing fighting. Helping twins keep some distance from one another will help promote harmony in the home and between twins. No matter what, teenage identity creation is a real challenge.

In the teenage years, twin dramatics can be hard to control. For example, twins may often decide to not talk to each other, hoping to show their anger using the silent treatment. Most parents are frightened by this behavior. Twins need to show and prove that they are right (all the time), and they sometimes just need or should take a break from one another. Fighting over friends, interests, clothes, and attention from parents and other supporters is intensified due to the developmental need for separation and independence.

Classic Symptoms of Angst and Helpful Strategies

Increased fighting over friends and interests should be discussed between parents and twins to keep separation developing and moving forward. Attachment neediness and longing for individuality go hand in hand. One moment twins are so happy to be away from one another. In the next few moments, they may miss and need each other desperately because they feel lonely and lost when their twin is not around.

Helpful ways to control and contain anger and loneliness for twins include the following:

Acknowledge that twins can be extremely and naturally ambivalent about each other. For example, you may hear loudly shouted, “I can’t stand my twin.” This will be followed by the sad statement, “I feel so lost and confused when I can’t consult with my sister or brother.”

1. Encourage twins to take regular time apart from one another.
2. Have a standing family time.
3. Be positive about each twin’s special interests.
4. Show that you value their twin attachment.
5. Avoid favoritism yourself and ask others not to do it.
6. Discourage sharing of friends and interests.