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Understanding Twins
Understanding and Coping With Twin Loneliness
An emotion twins experience throughout life.
Posted July 11, 2023 Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer
Twin loneliness is a profound and persistent emotional state that is based on the early primary twin attachment, which is shared throughout life from twins’ time in the womb. Intense loneliness related to separation anxiety becomes apparent immediately to caregivers when twins cry or even scream when they are apart. Expressions of loneliness change as twins grow and mature.
In my professional and personal experiences, mean/hurtful words, fighting, and taking a possession such as a doll or car that belongs to the other twin are common “negative expressions of unhappiness” related to missing your twin. Older twins have more complicated possessions to consider for a gift or barter.
Young and old twins feel whole when they have what their twin has. With appropriate comfort from caregivers, including attention to the fear of being alone, the journey of learning to cope with “not having your twin by your side” begins. I question if the sense of being lonely can ever be totally erased from the inner life of a twin. Certainly, loneliness needs to be addressed on an ongoing basis, first by parents and teachers, and then by twins, their therapists and close family and friends.
For twins, missing one another can be painful, dreadful and overwhelming. While being comfortably apart may signify growth and independence—and it truly is a proud accomplishment—the opposite is also true. Loneliness can be an emotional cover-up for anger, disappointment and estrangement. While being a twin is sometimes idealized in novels and films as a perfect harmonious and affirming relationship, dealing with your twin’s absence and finding peace with the challenges of being a twin in a non-twin world can take a lot of time and suffering. Help from others such as twin friends can ease pain and should be sought out, in my opinion.
Understanding the underlying issues and the emotional energy of being apart is commonly not fully resolved until middle age for most twins who are interested in their own individuality. Some twins remain attached at the hip and do not individuate, but even overly close twins experience loneliness.
A symptom or sign of loneliness, emptiness, or disappointment is arguing over who is right and who is wrong. At first, this seems counter-intuitive; but not-agreeing is a sign of possible loneliness, as disagreement implies that twins are different. These “identity fights” are stressful, and in a sense truly and totally meaningless. Sometimes anger and estrangement are forgiven naturally or with the help of a therapist or mediator. Individual therapy that focuses on self-knowledge and individuality will also help contain the often traumatic feeling of missing your sister or brother.
For better or worse, it is hard for non-twins to understand what it means to miss your twin, even though you are often times very angry and disappointed in your twin’s behavior. Saying this in another way: Twins can be very confusing to non-twins. Fighting between twins is intense because it reflects the struggle to be an individual.
What makes twin loneliness so hard to deal with?
Non-twins are disappointing to a twin because they cannot understand what you need immediately, as your twin would. And what is just as bad or worse is that non-twins don't or won't care as much as your twin. As a twin, you learn that you have to make your own decisions and that standing on your own is very hard to do. Inevitably you look for a twin replacement without the knowledge and experience of what it means to be in a close non-twin relationship. When relationships don't progress or work out, not only are you disappointed in the inadequate soulmate, but you miss your twin even more profoundly and start feeling lonely.
As a twin, it is really hard to learn to talk very seriously with someone besides your twin. When I was growing up, friends often did not understand me and why I got so upset. I had a serious boyfriend who commented accurately that in his experience, I was confusing. This problem with explaining myself is common for other twins who want to be understood but cannot explain why they are not making themselves clear. Feeling misunderstood leads to loneliness.
Can feelings of missing your twin and even twin loss be reduced and managed?
As twins separate and individuate, loneliness—both emotional and physical—becomes noticeable. With appropriate help from close caregivers, including attention to varying states of mind—from sadness, to anger, frustration, happiness and anxiety—missing each other can be tolerated. Sometimes twins are happy being alone. At other times they are fearful of the psychological journey of learning “how to be yourself.”
In adult life, lonesomeness is often conjured up as feeling “alone in the mirror.” With time, coping strategies are developed to deal with loneliness, although I believe that “alone in the mirror” is a concept that only a twin can understand. For many years I avoided mirrors to protect myself from missing my twin or feeling that she would criticize me for being fat or wrongly dressed. Other twins who I have consulted with talk about this very issue openly and with the hope that I will understand.
Fortunately, I can understand the problem of being alone in the mirror. I have no simple advice on how to get over comparing yourself to your twin and feeling alone in the mirror. If it helps, I will let you know I am still trying.
Twin loneliness is unique and very unlike sibling loneliness and even parent-child separation anxiety. I have been asked countless times: Can loneliness be reduced and processed? My answer, which is based on my life experiences and talking with many lonely twins, is yes. But very slowly, one baby step at a time. The ability to redirect your painful longings for the past closeness you shared can be more tolerable. Developing new interests, friendships and family relationships helps. The struggle to overcome loneliness is very hard and painful. The reward varies from twin to twin but it is always a very worthwhile undertaking, which fosters happiness, health and new meaning in life.
Suggestions for how to overcome feeling empty and alone without your twin
- Prepare yourself: The almost-perfect affirmation and companionship of your twin won’t be easily found with casual friends or even family. Twin replacements do help with loneliness, but good twin substitutes are hard to find.
- Set up phone times and lunch or dinner times to meet new and old friends for comfort, advice and encouragement.
- Use text messages to connect with your twin in an emergency.
- Use a journal to write down your feelings and come up with ideas for coping with being alone. For example, exercise, sports, special interests, travel and creativity will take the sting away from missing your twin.
- Make the best decisions you can on your own without being perfectionist or critical of yourself.
- Seek out other people who will be your friend and companion but do not expect that they will replace your twin in their ability to understand you. New friends may teach you different ways of seeing the world that are exciting and valuable.
