Anger, Estrangement Diminish as Twins Gain Independence

Separation and individuation for twins is a lifelong journey filled with hard-to-understand starts and stops. Non-twins including family and friends are most often really, really perplexed by the off-and-on nature of this crucial aspect of twin identity development. For twins, separation begins at birth, when infants cry because they are not as close to their brother or sister as when they shared their mother’s womb. Placing twins side by side in infancy when it is practical, but not all the time, is a way of calming their unspoken separation fears and helps them gradually develop a sense of self, with and without their twin's presence.

Bonding with their mother and/or primary caregivers gradually creates a new primary attachment for twins that quells their unease that their sister or brother is not next to them. Effective parents are able to manage the separation and individuation phase of infancy and toddlerhood by being aware of their sense of loss when the twin is alone without his brother or sister.

Giving special attention to times when twins will be separated from one another is completely necessary for healthy emotional development. As twins understand that they will be without each other for a set amount of time in early life, later on, as they mature, feelings of loss are minimized or coped with effectively. Understanding that twins will not always be together teaches them about predictability and unpredictability, and coping strategies for being alone.

Closeness in early life is a form of compassion and calm for twins. Gradually in the early months of life, a twin realizes she is separate from her sister. They are not one. And then with this nonverbal awareness, the desire to be always alike and have what their twin has begins at full speed ahead.

How twins resolve being different is very hard to summarize. Sometimes it seems to be an unending psychological process. Alongside measuring yourself against your twin, wanting and taking what the other twin has is a new phase that begins to enlighten, inspire, and torture twins who truly believe they have less.

All of the phases of separation and individuation that bring pride and satisfaction to twins and their families are also often coupled with anger and disappointment in each other. But the intensity of anger and sense of loss varies from one stage of development to another stage of development. In other words, as social, emotional, and cognitive growth develops, fighting over “who has what” changes.

The first phase of fighting is seen in baby twins who grab each other’s toys and food to get their way. Anger and crying are side effects of not getting what is wanted from their twin.

The second phase of fighting begins around 1½ years as twins learn to talk. They may ask their brother or sister for what they want and parents may try to negotiate a compromise to reduce anger and lack of harmony. Sometimes parents try to give one twin what the other twin has, to avoid anger. This approach is definitely a thankless task or a very temporary way to limit fighting and increases entitlement in the twin pair.

Endless arguments over “who gets what” are contained by distance between the twins and whatever limits are set by the parents concerning fighting. Because young children are small enough to physically manage, parents have some control over how hyper their children can get with one another. For example, a toy that is being fought over can be removed from the play area.

The next or third phase of fighting for twins begins when communication skills are developing. Twins can ask each other for the toys or food that they want to be shared. Parents can separate toys and other shareable items into different categories that are immediately visible. Still, the twin who has the treasured property can say no, which will create a great big fight. Parents or nannies are left to manage temper tantrums that seem to go on and on.

The fourth phase of separation begins in adolescence and involves the use of more complicated reasoning and persuasion. For example, teenage twins fight over friends, acquisitions, computer time, and phones. When a new romantic partner arrives, he or she brings up real differences in twin harmony. As well, marriage and children are sources of extreme conflict if one twin has issues with the newcomers. Fighting in adult twins can lead to estrangement when individuality and independence are not well-established. As each twin begins to find their authentic sense of self, fighting between twins will lessen. Anger and estrangement can be resolved depending on each twin's commitment to sharing and caring for each other.

Understanding Twins Essential Reads

The Unique Development of Twin Language

How Parental Indifference Affects the Twin Bond

The last phase of separation occurs in late middle age or senior life. Fighting is less serious because life experience has taught twins to not get stuck on their anger. Being able to put your “twin unhappiness” into a new perspective and getting distance from one another is essential. Unfortunately, twins in late middle age and seniors may have difficulty forgiving meanness and harassment from their twin, which is totally understandable. Working on creating a mature relationship helps bring twins together as individuals.

Conclusions

Twin fighting and even estrangement are predictable occurrences for twins when parenting has been inadequate and chaos has been a part of their emotional lives. Stability, talking about issues, and individual attention to each child seem to be the best parenting approaches when raising twins. Accepting that fighting occurs naturally as a side effect of individuation will help parents figure out ways to avoid twin temper tantrums with their children. Adult twins who try to not overreact to their co-twin have a chance of understanding each other without intense anger. Age and maturity contribute as well to a reduction of anger. But in many instances, very little can be done about fighting and even estrangement if the intensity of the twin anger has involved child abuse.

Advice on How to Get Along With Your Twin

1. Try to talk with your twin about what is bothering you instead of using anger that will provoke a fight about who caused the problem.
2. “Who is right and who is wrong” is a key disagreement area for twins. Try to avoid using “right and wrong” when you and your twin are unhappy. Talk to one another using feeling statements.
3. As a parent, respect your twins’ individual decisions about interests and friendships. Do not criticize or evaluate their decisions.
4. Spend time apart that is not discussed and evaluated.
5. Realize that twins are different people and that is why they make different decisions.
6. Make special times to be with your twin to do something “fun.” These times will give space to creating a new mature twin relationship that is not based on the evaluation of right and wrong.
7. Outsiders to the twin relationship will have strong opinions about how to deal with your twin. Try to listen to your own reaction to what an outsider is saying. For example, often twins are asked how their sister or brother is doing. You do not have to answer this question if it makes you uncomfortable. I answer these questions using deflection and avoidance: “I haven't talked with her” or “ask her yourself” are acceptable responses in my mind.
8. Advice-givers are plentiful. Try to check the “twin credentials” of those who offer assistance because some advice will be helpful and other advice can be destructive.