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I don’t often write about cultural nonverbals, after all there are so many cultures in the world and it is often difficult to generalize. The behaviors one sees in New York City are quite different than those one might see in the American Southwest. But last year I was invited to speak in Paris and of course, people watching was in order. With my friend Eric Goulard (expert lecturer and author of several nonverbal communications books), looking down L'Avenue des Champs Elysée I was prompted to ask, “What behaviors do most Americans get wrong when they visit Paris?”
Over some delicious coffee he answered, “The kiss and the hug.” Eric explained, “People come to France and think that because they see us do a greeting-kiss, instead of a handshake that we like to hug. Oddly we don’t. We may kiss two, three, four, times but no hug.” For a second I had to stop and register that – but it is true, you don’t see a lot of hugging in France. “And not just Americans, people from South America who are use to an abrazo feel that a hug would automatically be welcome here but it is not,” Eric added looking about for examples. Pointing to a group of teens he said, “Look they all know each other, they all kiss to greet, but no hug.” Over and over Eric showed me how people will lean in and air kiss, no lips on the cheek (that is a no, no), and definitely no hugging.
I mentioned how in the US hugging has changed over the years – men do it now more than ever before. “Yes I have noticed that,” answered Eric “but it is just something that has not caught on in France though it is heartily practiced nearby in Italy.”
Eric then pointed out that a mere 250 kilometers north, in Belgium where he use to live, about the distance from Miami to Orlando, there the rules of greeting change. In Belgium people only give one kiss when they meet unlike France where you may get three or even four kisses. “So, at least that’s easy,” I said. No need to count or ask yourselves if you did it right. “Yes, but,” countered Eric, “the problem in Belgium is not about the number of kisses, but about who to kiss and when to kiss!” “This is complicated,” I said. “It is complicated for us here also.”
After thinking about if for a while, Eric summarized it: “The safest rule in Europe is that in business you offer a handshake and if you are fortunate and find they want to give you a kiss on the cheek, you are in luck, this means they trust you enough or feel comfortable and that is a good sign in any setting so be ready to act on it.
“So what do we do if we get it wrong?” Eric smiled, “Let the locals figure it out for you. No one wants to make you uncomfortable and if you don’t know handshake, one kiss, two kiss, or even three, or four it’s ok, they will tell you.” A little later in the day, the editors for the French edition of “Dangerous Personalities” joined us at our hotel. I had already forgotten our previous conversation. As we greeted I offered my hand and she whisked it away with a broad smile and said, “a kiss is called for” so I did and then she said, with a lovely laugh, “Ici, c’est trois” (here, it’s three) – so three kisses were given. Her partner then leaned in and said, also with a smile, “Je préfère quatre bises” (I prefer four kisses) and so we did – that’s what she preferred. And Eric was right, let them guide you – but be flexible; be ready to adjust to the culture and to personal preferences.
France is what anthropologists call a “context rich culture,” there are many subtleties: a kiss where the lips don’t touch the cheek, once, twice, three, four, times, works for them but not a hug – so be it; when in Rome we do as the Romans. So next time you are in France on vacation or for work, you know one more cultural trait that will enrich your experience – it did for me and yes do sit outside, relax, enjoy the view wherever you are - C'est magnifique.
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Eric Goulard is an author and lecturer and he can be contacted at his web site or on twitter: @non_verbal_info and his books are available on Amazon and Amazon France.
Joe Navarro is the author of several books, including the International bestseller, What Every Body is Saying and Louder Than Words. His latest book Dangerous Personalities (Rodale), is now available in 11 languages. He can be reached www.jnforensics.com or on Twitter: @Navarrotells. Copyright © 2015 Joe Navarro
