Are There Ever Times When We Should Avoid Conflict?

I recently spent some time travelling with my father. We haven’t lived together for a long time and are both rather set in our ways. As one would expect, we had a fight. My typical manner of resolving fights is to attempt to talk them through. However, my father is an Indian man in his 60s, and was born in a socio-political era in which people simply did not talk about emotions or discuss conflict openly.

I texted my sister to ask how to resolve things, and she told me to let it go and start afresh tomorrow.

"So just sweep it under the rug?" I asked.

"Yep!" she said.

This incident got me thinking about the way psychologists typically approach conflict resolution. It is common for us to talk about assertive communication, expressing feelings, and active listening — these are all skills designed to help people communicate their views and feelings and openly receive the views of another. Our thinking about conflict resolution is largely predicated on problem-solving and communication.

Are there ever times when we might instead need to avoid conflict, or where this might be the better way to manage a conflict? In other words, are there times when we should sweep conflict under the rug?

In general, the practice of avoiding conflict or pretending that it doesn’t exist can lead to indirect and passive communication and may mean that issues in relationships are not resolved, sometimes reducing the satisfaction people feel.

However, in many cultures and social situations, conflict avoidance is seen as a valid conflict management strategy and may actually benefit people by creating greater social cohesion, acceptance by peers, and group harmony. At times, avoidance may be used as a deliberate strategy, while other people may default to using this strategy as a means of avoiding the discomfort of the emotion which might arise during a conflict.

When deciding whether to approach or avoid conflict, it may be helpful to hold a few things in mind.

The cultural backgrounds of all parties

Certain collectivist cultures are likely to value social cohesion highly and may thus avoid conflict as a way of maintaining peace. It is useful to think about the backgrounds of those involved in the conflict to determine whether cultural influences might make it more likely that they prefer to engage in conflict avoidance as a means of keeping peace.

Safety

It can be dangerous to approach conflict if one, or both parties are aggressive or violent. As an example, the risk of harm to women in violent relationships is highest at the time of separation. It is important to carefully consider safety when deciding whether to approach or avoid conflicts.

The context

There are times when it is more difficult to approach or resolve conflicts, such as if one of the parties is very emotionally heightened, attacking, or defensive. Good conflict resolution relies on problem-solving, which involves self-regulation and emotional regulation. When emotions are heightened, or if the context is otherwise unsupportive (e.g., if there is no space or time to explore a situation in detail) it may be more beneficial to postpone conversations or attempts to approach conflicts.

If the conflict appears unresolvable

It is important to keep in mind that most systems (e.g., families, workplaces or couples) have issues that will not be easily resolved or agreed on. When considering approaching conflict it is useful to think about what the argument or conflict is about. If the issue is one that can be meaningfully discussed (with or without a resolution), then approaching the conflict is likely to be beneficial. If the issue is one that has been discussed before without resolution, or is one where the parties involved will clearly disagree (such as about the importance of vaccinations), then it may be more helpful to avoid the conflict.

Oh, and my father and I? We are fine. I apologised for my role in the conflict and told him what I didn't like about his behaviour. While he didn't respond (thus avoiding the conflict), I was able to briefly approach it in a way that felt right, but was then able to drop it — allowing us both the capacity to move past it.