3 Things a Love-Bomber Says

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Love bombing is routine for a narcissist who wants to quickly “reel in” a new partner. Love bombing is a form of idealization that gives the narcissist emotional control. When you are idealized, you are put on a pedestal and treated as if you are “perfect.” If you are a person who grew up with emotionally abusive parents, the draw of idealization can be powerful because you have always longed to be really loved.

Yet, being put on a pedestal is a precarious place to be because the narcissist can “drop” you at any time. Often, this fall from grace is painful and traumatic, so you wish to avoid it at any cost. You may find yourself clamoring to appease and placate the narcissist so you do not lose their “love.” At this point in the relationship, the narcissist has successfully used this manipulation to gain emotional control over you. In order to protect yourself from love-bombing, it may be necessary to learn how to distinguish it from sentiments that convey true closeness. Three examples of love-bombing, as well as their opposites, follow.

1. "I've never met anyone like you." If this sentiment occurs within the first few days of a new relationship, it may be a red flag. The statement is very general and makes you think that you are at an elevated status compared to your partner’s past romantic partners. This may be a problem because the generality indicates the narcissist may not see you in a realistic, nuanced, and grounded manner.

Authentically getting to know someone takes a great deal of time and requires a deep understanding of the person’s gifts. For example, “I admire your ability to stick with the things that you care about even when you don’t get the outcome you want. You are a fighter.” This is a specific and meaningful comment that is only possible for a partner to recognize after knowing you for many months.

Also, the “I have never met anyone like you” statement makes you think you are safe because the narcissist puts you above everyone else. However, it may be a trick. They may also be saying this to others in order to collect as many “hearts” as possible. Often, a narcissist feels more secure in the relationship if they have someone behind the scenes to run to. It may also be a way for them to hurt you before you hurt them.

2. "You're the only person who has ever really understood me." Again, if your partner says this at the beginning of the relationship, it may be a problem for several reasons. First, they are immediately giving you more status than anyone else in their life, which is unrealistic. Second, it signifies an absence of deep attachments in their life. Third, they are putting you in an awkward spot. You may feel obligated to continually rush to their aid because you think that you are the only person who can help. Frequently, a person caught in this dynamic will continually neglect their own responsibilities to save and rescue their partner.

Conversely, a more authentic validation may be, “Thank you for being such a good listener. I feel so much better after I talk to you.” Instead of demanding that you fix their problem, this type of partner is appreciative and accepting of the empathy that you provide.

3. "I'll never ever love anyone else like I love you. You are the only one for me." Like sentiments one and two, this declaration is somewhat extreme and grandiose if spoken within days and weeks of dating someone. It is also narcissistic. The partner seems to be saying, “You are the only one in the world good enough for me.” As if they are an elite human being who is granting you the ultimate privilege of being with them.

In addition, there may be an element of control embedded in this proclamation. They are telling you that you will be with them forever instead of a more egalitarian sentiment that asks you for your thoughts and feelings about the matter. For example, “It’s funny, but even though we’ve only been dating a few months, I cannot imagine my life without you. I am so happy, and I hope you are too. How would you feel about sharing a front porch swing with me in 50 years?”

Love-bombing statements can be enticing and intoxicating because they seem like the words you have longed to hear. Yet, a person who love-bombs (idealizes) is usually manipulative and deceptive. Typically, a person who idealizes general, dramatic, grandiose, and one-sided sentiments early in the relationship. Distinguishing idealization from authentic validations may help you dodge a narcissist before it’s too late.

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