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Animal Behavior
How to Help Older Adults Grieve After Pet Loss
Pets remain at our sides through life’s ups and downs in ways that people don't.
Posted August 14, 2021 Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
Key points
- Losing a pet can be painful for older adults because the pet has been with them for a long time and through many emotional experiences.
- People should explore different options before rehoming the pet of an older loved one.
- Mementos, portraits, tributes, and memory boxes can help people honor their pet and process their grief.
A post I wrote here at Psychology Today a few years back on helping children grieve the loss of a beloved pet remains popular. I featured Roxanne Hawn, a longtime writer in the pet and veterinary space, and the author of Heart Dog — Surviving the Loss of Your Canine Soul Mate. I invited Roxanne back to talk specifically about older adults and pet loss.
Meredith: I love animals in general and dogs, in particular. Some people are less pet inclined. Can you explore with us what it is about a pet that makes it so very hard when an older adult loses one? Can you talk about the connection people and pets have, something some people may not understand?
Roxanne: Pets remain at our sides through life’s ups and downs and milestones in ways that people do not. They see it all, so to speak, so in many ways, we’re more emotionally exposed and bonded to pets.
All of us, as we get older, will go through times when we experience many deaths in our circle of friends and family. Suddenly, we know more people who’ve lost spouses, siblings, friends, and even children. That’s one reason, I think, older people may be more inclined to say "never again" when a pet dies.
Some likely experienced the first of such high-grief times during the pandemic. With typical grief-related rituals gone or greatly limited, many struggled even more with losses. So a major pet loss now feels even bigger and more devastating.
Meredith: Do you have any advice or perspective on how an adult child might be able to tell if a parent is no longer able to care for a pet? My thinking is to act sooner rather than later if a pet needs to be placed in a new home—but hopefully, accommodations can be made to keep the pet with the person. Either way, it is best to be proactive. The more time you have the better opportunity you have to find good solutions and help everyone make the transition to more help. Any tips or thoughts?
Roxanne: I would caution people not to underestimate the role and importance of a pet in an elder’s daily life and emotional health. While I support being proactive in asking about pet-care needs and how you can help, I think you need to tread lightly about rehoming pets because you think it’s the only solution.
For some, knowing their pets have good new homes will be a relief. Others may feel devastated and guilty about the pet being removed. In those cases, additional help and resources to keep the pet with the person or a solution such as the pet living with family or friends with frequent pet visits may make more sense. (Likewise, asking neighbors to check-in, contacting a church for a visiting volunteer, scheduling for a friend to walk the pet at night, asking a neighbor to accompany on vet visits...these are a few other ideas. Bottom line: get creative, ask for help, and encourage loved ones to accept help from trusted sources.)
Meredith: After a pet dies, one who was the main source of companionship for an older adult, what are some things that can be done to help them process the grief?
Roxanne: Give them opportunities to tell stories about the pet — funniest thing the pet ever did, toys they liked, their favorite snacks, etc.
Arrange for other pet visits, if the person is interested, including your own pets or visiting comfort pets.
Some ministry groups bring comfort dogs to disaster scenes or after mass casualty events, but between those big trips, they might be willing to make some visits. Some even do virtual visits during the pandemic.
If applicable, choose senior housing options that allow pets so that residents can benefit from facility pets or the pets of other residents.
Meredith: What are some meaningful ways to help a loved one honor their pet and honor their grief as well?
Roxanne: Memento. Allow them to choose a small memento item or create one that they can carry or wear to feel close to the pet.
Portrait. Ask for their favorite photos and get prints framed or arrange for an artist to create a painted portrait from the photo for the elder’s home or personal space.
Tribute. Create a tribute slideshow or video that’s set to a favorite song that they can watch again and again, assuming tech usage isn’t a barrier.
Memory Box. Encourage them to write down as many pet memories as they can and keep them in a pretty box so that they can pull out a memory anytime they want or to help work through times when the grief feels especially hard.
