4 Not-So-Obvious Warning Signs of a Breakup

It’s sad but true: Many relationships may be doomed from the start. All too often, communication and satisfaction between intimate partners break down. They fail to meet each other’s needs. And the worst part is that in the beginning, these happy, full-of-hope couples weren’t just kidding themselves: They really did think they would make it, beat the odds, and spend the rest of their lives together, smiling for the most part.

So, what happens to us in relationships that kills those wonderful intentions? Why is it that so many of us, despite our best intentions and highest hopes, can’t seem to keep our relationship a healthy and living thing, or even keep it alive at all? Why do so many of us not see it coming and then eventually give up and break up, separate, or divorce?

Couples have shared with me many explanations for why their relationships have failed. There’s the classic “We just drifted apart.” Wood drifts apart; people don’t. Unresolved issues and communication problems cause distance between people in a relationship. When you say, “We just drifted apart,” what you really mean is, “We don’t love each other anymore,” or “We don’t have the same feelings for each other anymore.”

Or how about this one: “They turned out to be nuts.” Sorry. More often than not, this just doesn’t cut it either: We’re all weird and strange to some degree and there are very few saints and angels left in the world.

I also often hear, “We really don’t have much in common." Then why did you even get together? And why is it that so many couples have different interests and yet remain happy together?

Whatever the true reasons for people throwing in the relationship towel, it is better to see it coming rather than having it hit you smack in the face. Keep an eye out for these warning signs.

1. Toxic thoughts seep in. Most couples are simply unable to address their real problems because toxic thinking gets them so sidetracked that they can’t “see” those issues.

As I describe in my book, Why Can't You Read My Mind, toxic thinking (those invisible, highly negative, persistent thoughts) usually sends one or both partners off on an emotionally reactive mission to prove their innocence from the charges being leveled at them. For example, in the case of Robin and Dan, trapped in their toxic thoughts, their resulting toxic fight went something like this:

Dan: I’m not selfish. Just last week I did all the kitchen cleanup by myself every night so you could focus on your work presentation.

Robin: At least I don’t always wreck our good time. We had fun at your friend's dinner party until you started whining like a baby about how hard your life is.

Round and round it goes. Arguing this way is exhausting. Even if this couple can remember why they’re arguing in the first place, they will probably be too tired and fed up to even talk about it.

The distraction created by toxic thinking inevitably causes partners to become frustrated; this is one of the worst side effects of toxic thinking. This is the point at which I hear couples say things like, “He doesn’t understand me,” “She’s so unreasonable,” or “I can never get through to him.”

2. Inwardly, there is less desire to share personal happenings. Happy couples miss each other and want to share personal experiences. In couples in which one partner, or both, wants to end their relationship, the conversations become more scant and trivial, communication has less "feel-good" meaning, and when it occurs it is more about a sense of duty or obligation.

3. Disconnecting and disappearing. When partners become silently frustrated, they become distant. When a relationship is doomed, partners slowly start leading separate lives. This creates emotional and physical distance that is hard to close the gap on. They simply don’t like or value spending abundant time together anymore.

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4. Frequent breakups and make-ups. This may not seem to fit in the "not so obvious" theme of this post. But when couples go through breakups, they tend to minimize or forget them after making up. But as you head in the wrong relationship direction toward a dead end, these hurtful temporary endings are signs that you're cruising down the Breakup Expressway. Let's also not forget about those small breakup speeches you've already rehearsed in your head but not had the confidence to actually say. Rehearsing such breakup speeches, or even initiating actual fleeting breakups, are usually temporary, but can also act as mile markers that—one day—you will arrive at the final destination: We Are Really Done This Time City.