Lessons From a Marriage

Source: Matthias Zomer, Wikimedia, CC 1,0

This was written in consultation with my wife, Barbara Nemko.

Today is our 44th anniversary and we discussed what has made our marriage work. It’s not a marriage made in heaven but here's how we've made it work here on earth. Perhaps one or more of these might help your relationship:

• We have one enduring, major disagreement—about a family issue. But for the most part, we’ve kept the wound from oozing too much onto our marriage. How? I can’t help but bring up the issue periodically but Barb reminds me that we’ve argued about it ad nauseam, that it simply is an irreconcilable difference, and that we’re wise to just change the subject, which we almost always do. Looking back over lo these decades, we believe that has turned out to be wise.
• We try not to expect reciprocity. For example, one of us tends to be warmer by nature. We try to accept each other as a total package, with strengths and weaknesses. Of course, we're not above getting annoyed when the score is seeming lopsided. But we try to mention it just once, briefly, without too much anger, and then let it drop.
• Neither of us is possessive. For example, we each have friends of the opposite sex. Yet to my knowledge, we’ve both been monogamous.
• Despite our being mainstream in values, we’ve made one conspicuous exception: We’ve chosen to live separately, seeing each other often, when we both feel like it. That turns out to be a model that most of our friends admire, and some, if they could afford it, would choose.
• We maximize our time together doing what works pleasurably and easily for us: taking walks, playing gin, hosting a couple for dinner, going out to eat, playing with the dog, watching movies, and binge-watching TV series. Our long-time favorite, now in its 10th season: Call the Midwife, an honest yet ultimately kind exploration of life and death.
• ·Where we differ in recreational desires (e.g., I like gardening and dislike travel, and Barb is the opposite), we give each other the space to do those things separately.
• ·We’ve learned to shrug our shoulders, sometimes even laugh, at our deviations from the mainstream: She is fastidious about her home’s cleanliness and her appearance. I work long hours, which she (grudgingly) accepts.
• We don’t hold grudges. Rarely does an evening’s argument spill over to the next day, let alone to the next week.
• We’ve both earned a solid income throughout our long work span, so there has never been the power imbalance that derives from one person earning most of the income.
• We share core values. Neither of us is dishonest or lazy. We hold similar views on most political issues. We don't abuse substances. Both of us are culturally Jewish but not religious. She's more materialistic but we've compromised.
• ·Our aging rate seems about the same. Some of that is luck but some of it is that upfront, we recognized that, with women living five years longer than men and their later years in better health, that her being five years older than me is not only not the negative that society deems, but a plus.

So is there at least one thing on that list that you’d like to discuss with your partner?

I read this aloud on YouTube.