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This is the latest post in the "Tough Problems" series. In each installment, I present two composite questions that my clients face and my response to each.
Dear Dr. Nemko: I lost my wife three months ago and I’m still very sad, crying often. I’ve been pretty inert. I’ve seen a grief counselor, read a lot about the need to process the grief, and have tried, yet I’m not moving forward. Any advice?
Marty Nemko: I’m rather the un-therapist. My clients have found that more than a little “processing” of the loss keeps the pain top-of-mind, and with little progress in moving forward.
There is no way to undo your loss or any regrets. The best you can do is to recall the good times and honor your wife with your behavior moving forward. For most loving wives, that would include, when you’re ready, looking for another partner.
No one can ever replace your wife, and there’s no advantage in comparing. But can you try to consider this a new chapter in your life and that a new romantic partner could bring new pleasures and new perspectives? When you’re ready, think about what the wise one within you would do to meet a good partner.
Relationships aside, you probably have more time available now than when she was alive, especially if you were the caretaker during the final illness. What would the wise one within you do with your time? Most people who have lost their spouses are older, so your own time, especially your healthy time, is limited.
What would wise uses be of your heartbeats regarding work, relationships, and recreation? Ready to take a baby step or two forward? Action builds momentum; inertia builds stuckness.
Dear Dr. Nemko: I know it sounds shallow, but I’ve just suffered the greatest loss of my life: My dog of 17 years just died. I cried in the vet’s office as she put down my Daisy. And the crying hasn’t stopped. I kick myself for grieving so deeply over a dog—I didn’t grieve as much even when my husband died.
I’m tempted to get another dog, both for companionship and to help me move forward, but I’m 70 and am afraid I’m too old to take on the responsibility—I could die or be unable to care for a dog before s/he dies or becomes infirm. Do you have any thoughts?
Marty Nemko: Many people grieve the loss of their dog at least as much as a person, perhaps because the dog provided unconditional love and was naïve about dying. So you’re certainly in the mainstream.
With regards to getting another dog, your instinct is probably right: It would help you move forward as well as provide the companionship you loved in your doggie. If you’re worried about outliving your dog, and there isn’t someone you can put in your will (plus funding) to take care of the dog if you’re incapacitated or have died, adopt an older dog. That’s a particularly charitable act because older dogs are much harder to place.
I’d suggest you sign up for alerts on rescue aggregators, such as Petfinder and Adoptapet, so that when an appropriate dog becomes available, you’ll be among the first to know. Good, sweet doggies, even older ones, may not last long.
I do hope you get another dog. As someone who has had a dog my entire life, I know that as long as you choose a kind one and put in the training time upfront, the joys outweigh the responsibilities. Plus, by adopting a dog from a rescue, such as those listed on the aforementioned sites, you may well save a life.
I read this aloud on YouTube.
