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“You can’t be Elsa,” a 6-year-old White child told her Black classmate. “Your skin is the wrong color.” It didn’t matter that the White child didn’t have long white hair and pale skin like Queen Elsa in Frozen; she had already internalized race as a difference that matters. The other little girl was devastated. She felt excluded and embarrassed about something she hadn’t noticed before.
We’re experiencing a time of heightened awareness of the racism that corrodes our society and undermines life experience for us all, no matter our own racial heritage. The killings of Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, and too many others, along with the protests that have been happening around the world since then, are highlighting the urgent necessity of changes in our collective consciousness and behavior.
Infants recognize skin color differences as young as three months. By two and a half years old, a child can observe and learn racial biases. By four or five, kids can exhibit obvious bias, or begin to feel discriminated against because of their skin color. By 12, their biases can be ingrained.
What Can You Do to Raise an Anti-Racist Child?
1. It starts with you. Your most important anti-racism teaching tool is your own behavior. Are you more comfortable with certain races, and less comfortable with others? Your child will observe subtle differences in your body language and behavior. Be mindful of your own attitudes and behavior, and work to be as warm, patient, and respectful with people of one race as those of another.
2. Expand your child’s world. Do what you can to ensure your child experiences diversity of background, color, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, religion, and political opinion. Be honest and open about differences they observe. “Yes, that boy’s skin is a different color than yours. People come in a lot of different colors and shapes and sizes, don’t they?” Supplement any deficits in your environment with books, videos, and experiences that include a wide range of people.
3. Get comfortable with talking about race and racism. Like sex education, race education is stressful for some parents. Start by reading and talking to other adults about what you need to say, what questions you might expect, and how you want to respond.
4. Start where your child is at. If you’ve read a book together or seen a video that introduces racism topics (e.g., The Undefeated by Kwame Alexander, or The Proudest Blue by Ibtihaj Muhammad), ask them what they think about it. If your child has been hearing about anti-racism protests, ask them what they think about that. Be accepting and respectful of whatever their position is. Make no judgment (children can pick up racist attitudes very young). Instead, use their questions or observations to talk about the fact that every human has the same range of feelings and desires as they have.
5. Go slowly. Don’t try to cover everything at once. Address your child’s questions as they come up, at the level and complexity they’re ready for. Expose them to media and situations where they’ll experience diverse people. Discuss issues in the world around you, but don’t push the topic too hard or at too high a level of complexity for their understanding.
6. Focus on the positive. Talk with your child about what you can do as individuals and as a family to rectify the problems, at a level that makes sense to them. Let them know how good it is that so many people are involved in protests and other actions, helping to make a difference. Be honest about the complexity and enormity of the situation, but help them realize how all change happens with the small steps each person takes. Even the smallest person can be the change that needs to happen.
7. Challenge racism where you see it. Even subtle actions and apparently harmless language can support racism. Just as early feminists challenged media stereotypes of women, it’s important for anti-racist parents to challenge the stereotypes all around us. Point out racial differences in jobs and income when you encounter them in media and real life with your child. Emphasize issues of fairness, and ask them if they think it’s okay that there are so many more White people than Black in positions of wealth and authority, that there are so many more Black and Indigenous people in prisons, or so many more Black and Latinx kids not going to college.
8. Discuss peer pressure. We’ve learned a lot in recent years about anti-bullying. The same lessons can be applied to anti-racism. Help your child see the importance of standing up against racism when they see it happening, whether or not they are the target. Talk about the bystander effect, showing your child why it`s important to speak out against injustices they encounter in their daily lives.
9. Help your child become an ally. You might start with IntersectionAllies: We Make Room for All, by Chelsea Johnson, LaToya Council, and Carolyn Choi. Ask your child how they can be an ally in their own life.
10. Advocate for anti-racism programs at school. Parents have been effective advocates for anti-bullying programs, and most educators will be receptive to your interest in seeing anti-racism activities implemented at your child’s school.
Resources
Here are a few ideas to get you started, and there are more great book lists and resources being published every day:
“Research Findings: Children Notice Race,” by PRIDE Team
“Talking to Children about Racial Bias,” by Ashaunta Anderson & Jacqueline Dougé
“How to Talk to Kids About Racism,” by Anna North
“13 Children’s Books about Race and Diversity,” by PBS Kids
“Children’s Books that Tackle Race and Ethnicity,” by Maria Russo
